Mr.  DOOLEY  SAYS 


. 


Mr.  DOOLEY  SAYS 


BY   THE   AUTHOR   OF 

"MR.    DOOLEY    IN    PEACE    AND     IN    WAR" 

"MR.    DOOLEY   LN    THE   HEARTS    OF 

HIS   COUNTRYMEN,"   ETC. 


NEW  YORK 
CHARLES    SCRIBNER'S    SONS 

1910 


Copyright,  1907,  1908,  1909,  1910,  by 
H.  H.  McClure  &r  Co. 


Copyright,  1910,  by  Charles  Scribner's  Sons 


t 


CONTENTS 

PAGE 

Divorce 1 

Glory 14 

Woman  Suffrage 25 

The  Bachelor  Tax 40 

The  Rising  of  the  Subject  Races       .     .  50 

Panics 59 

Ocean  Travel 67 

Work 78 

Drugs 89 

A  Broken  Friendship 100 

V 


vi  CONTENTS 

PAGE 

The  Army  Canteen 110 


Things  Spiritual 123 

Books 134 

The  Tariff 144 

The  Big  Fine 158 

Expert  Testimony 168 

The  Call  of  the  Wild 180 

The  Japanese  Scare 193 

The  Hague  Conference 204 

Turkish  Politics 214 

Vacations 227 


Mr.  DOOLEY   SAYS 


MR.  DOOLEY  SAYS 

DIVORCE 

"Well,  sir,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "I  see 
they've  been  holdin'  a  Divoorce  Congress." 

" What's  that?"  asked  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"Ye  wudden't  know,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 
"Divoorce  is  th'  on'y  luxury  supplied  be  th' 
law  that  we  don't  injye  in  Ar-rchey  Road. 
Up  here  whin  a  marrid  couple  get  to  th'  pint 
where  'tis  impossible  f'r  thim  to  go  on  livin' 
together  they  go  on  livin'  together.  They 
feel  that  way  some  mornin'  in  ivry  month, 
but  th'  next  day  finds  thim  still  glarin'  at  each 
other  over  th'  ham  an'  eggs.  No  wife  iver 
laves  her  husband  while  he  has  th'  breath  iv 
life  in  him,  an'  anny  gintleman  that  took  a 
thrip  to  Reno  in  ordher  to  saw  off  th'  house- 
keepin'  expinses  on  a  rash  successor  wud  find 
throuble  ready  f'r  him  whin  he  come  back  to 
Ar-rchey  Road. 


2  MR.  DOOLEY 

"No,  sir,  whin  our  people  grab  hands  at 
th'  altar,  they're  hooked  up  f  river.  There's 
on'y  wan  decree  iv  divoorce  that  th'  neigh- 
bors will  recognize,  an'  that's  th'  wan  that 
entitles  ye  to  ride  just  behind  th'  pall  bearers. 
That's  why  I'm  a  batch.  'Tis  th'  fine  skylark 
iv  a  timpraiy  husband  I'd  make,  bringin' 
home  a  new  wife  ivry  Foorth  iv  July  an'  dis- 
chargin'  th'  old  wan  without  a  charackter. 
But  th'  customs  iv  th'  neighbors  are  agin  it. 

"But  'tis  diff'rent  with  others,  Hinnissy. 
Down  be  Mitchigan  Avnoo  marredge  is  no 
more  bindin'  thin  a  dhream.  A  short  mar- 
rid  life  an'  an  onhappy  wan  is  their  motto. 
Off  with  th'  old  love  an'  on  with  th'  new  an' 
off  with  that.  'Till  death  us  do  part,'  says 
th'  preacher.  'Or  th'  jury,'  whispers  th' 
blushin'  bride. 

"Th'  Divoorce  Congress,  Hinnissy,  that 
I'm  tellin'  ye  about  was  assembled  to  make 
th'  divoorce  laws  iv  all  th'  States  th'  same. 
It's  a  tur-rble  scandal  as  it  is  now.  A  man 
shakes  his  wife  in  wan  State  on'y  to  be 
grabbed  be  her  an'  led  home  th'  minyit  he 


DIVORCE  3 

crosses  th'  border.  There's  no  safety  f'r 
anny  wan.  In  some  places  it's  almost  im- 
possible f'r  a  man  to  get  rid  iv  his  fam'ly  on- 
less  he  has  a  good  raison.  There's  no  regu- 
larity at  all  about  it.  In  Kentucky  baldness 
is  grounds  f'r  divoorce;  in  Ohio  th'  inclem- 
ency iv  th'  weather.  In  Illinye  a  woman  can 
be  freed  fr'm  th'  gallin'  bonds  iv  mathrimony 
because  her  husband  wears  Congress  gaiters; 
in  Wisconsin  th'  old  man  can  get  his  maiden 
name  back  because  his  wife  tells  fortunes  in 
th'  taycup. 

"In  Nebrasky  th'  shackles  ar-re  busted  be- 
cause father  forgot  to  wipe  his  boots;  in  New 
York  because  mother  knows  a  Judge  in  South 
Dakota.  Ye  can  be  divoorced  f'r  annything 
if  ye  know  where  to  lodge  th'  complaint. 
Among  th'  grounds  ar-re  snorin',  deefness, 
because  wan  iv  th'  parties  dhrinks  an'  th' 
other  doesn't,  because  wan  don't  dhrink  an' 
th'  other  does,  because  they  both  dhrink,  be- 
cause th'  wife  is  addicted  to  sick  headaches, 
because  he  asked  her  what  she  did  with  that 
last  $10  he  give  her,  because  he  knows  some 


4  MR.  DOOLEY 

wan  else,  because  she  injyes  th'  society  iv 
th'  young,  because  he  f'rgot  to  wind  th' 
clock.  A  husband  can  get  a  divoorce  be- 
cause he  has  more  money  thin  he  had;  a  wife 
because  he  has  less.  Ye  can  always  get  a  di- 
voorce f'r  what  Hogan  calls  incompatibility 
iv  temper.  That's  whin  husband  an'  wife 
ar-re  both  cross  at  th'  same  time.  Ye'd  call 
it  a  tiff  in  ye'er  fam'ly,  Hinnissy. 

"But,  mind  ye,  none  iv  these  raisons  go  in 
anny  two  States.  A  man  that  wants  to  be 
properly  divoorced  will  have  to  start  out 
an'  do  a  tour  iv  our  gr-reat  Republic. 
An'  be  th'  time  he's  thurly  released  he  may 
want  to  do  it  all  over  agin  with  th'  second 
choice  iv  his  wild,  glad  heart. 

"It  wud  be  a  grand  thing  if  it  cud  be 
straightened  out.  Th'  laws  ought  to  be  th' 
same  ivrywhere.  In  anny  part  iv  this  fair 
land  iv  ours  it  shud  be  th'  right  iv  anny  man 
to  get  a  divoorce,  with  alimony,  simply  be 
goin'  befure  a  Justice  iv  th'  Peace  an'  makin' 
an  affydavit  that  th'  lady's  face  had  grown 
too  bleak  f'r  his  taste.     Be  Hivens,  I'd  go 


DIVORCE  5 

farther.  Rather  than  have  people  endure 
this  sarvichood  I'd  let  anny  man  escape  be 
jumpin'  th'  conthract.  All  he'd  have  to  do  if 
I  was  r-runnin'  this  Governmint  wud  be  to  put 
some  clothes  in  th'  grip,  write  a  note  to  his 
wife  that  afther  thinkin'  it  over  f'r  forty  years 
he  had  made  up  his  mind  that  his  warm  nature 
was  not  suited  to  marredge  with  th'  mother 
iv  so  manny  iv  his  childher,  an'  go  out  to 
return  no  more. 

"I  don't  know  much  about  marrid  life,  ex- 
cept what  ye  tell  me  an'  what  I  r-read  in  th' 
pa-apers.  But  it  must  be  sad.  All  over  this 
land  onhappily  mated  couples  ar-re  sufferin' 
almost  as  much  as  if  they  had  a  sliver  in  their 
thumb  or  a  slight  headache.  Th'  sorrows  iv 
these  people  ar-re  beyond  belief.  I  say, 
Hinnissy,  it  is  th'  jooty  iv  th'  law  to  marci- 
fully  release  thim. 

"Ye  take  th'  case  iv  me  frind  fr'm  Mud 
Center  that  I  was  readin'  about  th'  other  day. 
There  was  a  martyr  f'r  ye.  Poor  fellow!  Me 
eyes  filled  with  tears  thinkin'  about  him. 
Whin  a  young  man  he  marrid.      He  was  a 


6  MR.  DOOLEY 

fireman  in  thim  days,  an'  th'  objict  iv  his 
etarnal  affection  was  th'  daughter  iv  th'  most 
popylar  saloon  keeper  in  town.  A  gr-reat 
socyal  gulf  opened  between  thim.  He  had 
fine  prospects  iv  ivinchooly  bein'  promoted 
to  two-fifty  a  day,  but  she  was  heiress  to  a 
cellar  full  iv  Monongahela  rye  an'  a  pool  table, 
an'  her  parents  objicted,  because  iv  th'  diff- 
rence  in  their  positions.  But  love  such  as  his 
is  not  to  be  denied.  Th'  bold  suitor  won. 
Together  they  eloped  an'  were  marrid. 

1 1 F'r  a  short  time  all  wint  well.  They  lived 
together  happily  f'r  twinty  years  an'  raised 
wan  iv  th'  popylous  fam'lies  iv  people  who 
expect  to  be  supported  in  their  old  days.  Th' 
impechuse  lover,  spurred  on  be  th'  desire  to 
make  good  with  his  queen,  slugged,  cheated, 
an'  wurruked  his  way  to  th'  head  iv  th'  rail- 
road. He  was  no  longer  Greasy  Bill,  th'  Oil 
Can,  but  Hinnery  Aitch  Bliggens,  th'  Prince 
iv  Industhree.  All  th'  diff'rent  kinds  iy 
money  he  iver  heerd  iv  rolled  into  him,  large 
money  an'  small,  other  people's  money, 
money  he'd  labored  f'r  an'  money  he'd  wished 


DIVORCE  7 

P r.  Whin  he  set  in  his  office  countin'  it  he 
often  left  a  call  f'r  six  o'clock  f'r  fear  he  might 
be  dhreamin'  an'  not  get  to  th'  roundhouse  on 
time. 

"But,  bein'  an  American  citizen,  he  soon 
felt  as  sure  iv  himsilf  as  though  he'd  got  it  all 
in  th'  Probate  Coort,  an'  th'  arly  Spring  saw 
him  on  a  private  car  speedin7  to  New  York,  th' 
home  iv  Mirth.  He  was  received  with  open 
ar-rms  be  ivry  wan  in  that  gr-reat  city  that 
knew  the  combynation  iv  a  safe.  He  was 
taken  f'r  yacht  rides  be  his  fellow  Kings  iv 
Fi-nance.  He  was  th'  principal  guest  iv 
honor  at  a  modest  but  tasteful  dinner,  where 
there  was  a  large  artificyal  lake  iv  champagne 
into  which  th'  comp'ny  cud  dive.  In  th'  on'y 
part  iv  New  York  ye  iver  read  about — ar-re 
there  no  churches  or  homes  in  New  York,  but 
on'y  hotels,  night  resthrants,  an'  poolrooms? 
— in  th'  on'y  part  iv  New  York  ye  read  about 
he  cud  be  seen  anny  night  sittin'  where  th' 
lights  cud  fall  on  his  bald  but  youthful  head. 

"An'  how  was  it  all  this  time  in  dear  old 
Mud  Center?  It  is  painful  to  say  that  th'  lady 


8  MR.  DOOLEY 

to  whom  our  frind  was  tied  f'r  life  had  not 
kept  pace  with  him.  She  had  taught  him  to 
r-read,  but  he  had  gone  on  an'  taken  what 
Hogan  calls  th'  postgrajate  coorse.  Women 
get  all  their  book  larnin'  befure  marredge, 
men  afther.  She'd  been  pretty  active  about 
th'  childher  while  he  was  pickin'  up  more  id- 
dycation  in  th'  way  iv  business  thin  she'd 
iver  dhream  iv  knowin'.  She  had  th'  latest 
news  about  th'  throuble  in  th'  Methodist 
Church,  but  he  had  a  private  wire  into  his 
office. 

"A  life  spint  in  nourishin'  th'  young, 
Hinnissy,  while  fine  to  read  about,  isn't  anny 
kind  iv  a  beauty  restorer,  an'  I've  got  to  tell 
ye  that  th'  lady  prob'bly  looked  diff'rent  fr'm 
th'  gazelle  he  use  to  whistle  three  times  f'r 
whin  he  wint  by  on  Number  Iliven.  It's  no 
aisy  thing  to  rock  th'  cradle  with  wan  hand 
an'  ondylate  th'  hair  with  another.  Be  th' 
time  he  was  gettin'  into  th'  upper  classes  in 
New  York  she  was  slowin'  down  aven  f'r  Mud 
Center.  Their  tastes  was  decidedly  dissimilar, 
says  th'  pa-aper.    Time  was  whin  he  carrid 


DIVORCE  9 

th'  wash  pitcher  down  to  th'  corner  f'r  a 
quart  iv  malt,  while  she  dandled  th'  baby  an' 
fried  th;  round  steak  at  th'  same  time.  That 
day  was  past.  She  hadn't  got  to  th'  pint 
where  she  cud  dhrink  champagne  an'  keep  it 
out  iv  her  nose.  Th'  passin'  years  had  im- 
paired all  possible  foundations  f'r  a  new  crop 
iv  hair.     Sometimes  conversation  lagged. 

"Mud  Center  is  a  long  way  fr'm  th'  Casino. 
Th'  last  successful  exthravaganza  that  th' 
lady  had  seen  was  a  lecture  be  Jawn  B.  Gough. 
She  got  her  Eyetalian  opry  out  iv  a  music 
box.  What  was  there  f'r  this  joynt  intelleck 
an'  this  household  tyrant  to  talk  about?  No 
wondher  he  pined.  Think  iv  this  Light  iv  th' 
Tendherloin  bein'  compelled  to  set  down  ivry 
month  or  two  an'  chat  about  a  new  tooth  that 
Hiven  had  just  sint  to  a  fam'ly  up  th'  sthreet! 
Nor  was  that  all.  She  give  him  no  rest. 
Time  an'  time  again  she  asked  him  was  he 
comin'  home  that  night.  She  tortured  his 
proud  spirit  be  recallin'  th'  time  whin  she 
used  to  flag  him  fr'm  th'  window  iv  th'  room 
where  Papa  had  locked  her  in.    She  aven 


10  MR.  DOOLEY 

wint  so  far  as  to  dhraw  on  him  th'  last 
cow'rdly  weapon  iv  brutal  wives — their  tears. 
One  time  she  thravelled  to  New  York  an'  wan 
iv  his  f rinds  seen  her.  Oh,  it  was  crool,  crool. 
Hinnissy,  tell  me,  wud  ye  condim  this  gr-reat 
man  to  such  a  slavery  just  because  he'd  made 
a  rash  promise  whin  he  didn't  have  a  cent  in 
th'  wurruld?  Th'  law  said  no.  Whin  th' 
Gr-reat  Fi-nanceer  cud  stand  it  no  longer  he 
called  upon  th'  Judge  to  sthrike  off  th'  chains 
an'  make  him  a  free  man.  He  got  a  divoorce." 

"I  dare  ye  to  come  down  to  my  house  an' 
say  thim  things,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"Oh,  I  know  ye  don't  agree  with  me,"  said 
Mr.  Dooley.  "Nayether  does  th'  parish 
priest.  He's  got  it  into  his  head  that  whin 
a  man's  marrid  he's  marrid,  an'  that's  all 
there  is  to  it.  He  puts  his  hand  in  th' 
grab-bag  an'  pulls  out  a  blank  an'  he  don't 
get  his  money  back. 

" '  Ill-mated  couples? '  says  he.  '  Ill-mated 
couples?  What  ar-re  ye  talkin'  about?  Ar-re 
there  anny  other  kinds?  Ar-re  there  anny 
two  people  in  th'  wurruld  that  ar-re  perfectly 


DIVORCE  11 

mated?'  he  says.  'Was  there  iver  a  f rind- 
ship  that  was  annything  more  thin  a  kind 
iv  suspension  bridge  between  quarrels?'  he 
says.  'In  ivry  branch  iv  life,'  says  he,  'we 
leap  fr'm  scrap  to  scrap, '  he  says.  'I'm  wan 
iv  th'  best-timpered  men  in  th'  wurruld,  am 
I  not?  ('Ye  are  not,'  says  I.)  I'm  wan  iv 
th'  kindest  iv  mortals,'  he  says,  'but  put  me 
in  th'  same  house  with  Saint  Jerome, '  he  says, 
'an'  there'd  be  at  laste  wan  day  in  th'  month 
whin  I'd  answer  his  last  wurrd  be  slammin' 
th'  dure  behind  me,'  he  says.  'Man  is  nach- 
rally  a  fightin'  an  quarrelin'  animal  with  his 
wife.  Th'  soft  answer  don't  always  turn 
away  wrath.  Sometimes  it  makes  it  worse,' 
he  says.  'Th'  throuble  about  divoorce  is  it  al- 
ways lets  out  iv  th'  bad  bargain  th'  wan  that 
made  it  bad.  If  I  owned  a  half  in  a  payin' 
business  with  ye,  I'd  niver  let  th'  sun  go  down 
on  a  quarrel,'  he  says.  'But  if  ye  had  a  bad 
mouth  I'd  go  into  coort  an'  wriggle  out  iv 
th'  partnership  because  ye'ar  a  cantankerous 
old  villain  that  no  wan  cud  get  on  with,'  he 
says. 


12  MR.  DOOLEY 

"  'If  people  knew  they  cudden't  get  away 
fr'm  each  other  they'd  settle  down  to  life, 
just  as  I  detarmined  to  like  coal  smoke  whin 
I  found  th'  collection  wasn't  big  enough  to 
put  a  new  chimbley  in  th'  parish  house. 
I've  acchally  got  to  like  it/  he  says.  'There 
ain't  anny  condition  iv  human  life  that's  not 
endurable  if  ye  make  up  ye'er  mind  that  ye've 
got  to  endure  it,'  he  says.  'Th'  throuble  with 
the  rich/  he  says,  'is  this,  that  whin  a  rich 
man  has  a  perfectly  nachral  scrap  with  his  be- 
loved over  breakfast,  she  stays  at  home  an' 
does  nawthin'  but  think  about  it,  an'  he  goes 
out  an'  does  nawthin  but  think  about  it,  an' 
that  afthernoon  they're  in  their  lawyers' 
office,'  he  says.  'But  whin  a  poor  gintleman 
an'  a  poor  lady  fall  out,  the  poor  lady  puts  all 
her  anger  into  rubbin'  th'  zinc  off  th'  wash- 
boord  an'  th'  poor  gintleman  aises  his  be 
murdhrin'  a  slag  pile  with  a  shovel,  an'  be  th' 
time  night  comes  ar-round  he  says  to  himself: 
"Well,  I've  got  to  go  home  annyhow,  an'  it's 
no  use  I  shud  be  onhappy  because  I'm  mis- 
judged," an'  he  puts  a  pound  iv  candy  into 


DIVORCE  13 

his  coat  pocket  an'  goes  home  an'  finds  her 
standin'  at  th'  dure  with  a  white  apron  on  an' 
some  new  ruching  ar-round  her  neck/  he  says. 
"An'  there  ye  ar-re.  Two  opinions." 
"I  see  on'y  wan,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy. 
"What  do  ye  raaly  think?" 

"I  think,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "if  people 
wanted  to  be  divoorced  I'd  let  thim,  but  I'd 
give  th'  parents  into  th'  custody  iv  th' 
childher.    They'd  larn  thim  to  behave." 


GLORY 

"Hogan  has  been  in  here  this  afthernoon, 
an'  I've  heerd  more  scandal  talked  thin  I  iver 
thought  was  in  the  wurrld." 

"Hogan  had  betther  keep  quiet,"  said 
Mr.  Hennessy.  "If  he  goes  circulatin'  anny 
stories  about  me  I'll " 

"Ye  needn't  worry/'  said  Mr.  Dooley. 
"We  didn't  condiscend  to  talk  about  anny- 
wan  iv  ye'er  infeeryor  station.  If  ye  want  to 
be  th'  subjick  iv  our  scand'lous  discoorse  ye'd 
betther  go  out  an'  make  a  repytation.  No, 
sir,  our  talk  was  entirely  about  th'  gr-reat  an' 
illusthrees  an'  it  ran  all  th'  way  fr'm  Julius 
Cayzar  to  Ulysses  Grant. 

"Dear,  oh  dear,  but  they  were  th'  bad  lot. 
Thank  th'  Lord  nobody  knows  about  me. 
Thank  th'  Lord  I  had  th'  good  sinse  to  re- 
tire f'rm  pollyticks  whin  me  repytation  had 
spread  as  far  as  Halsted  Sthreet.     If  I'd  let 

14 


GLORY  15 

it  go  a  block  farther  I'd've  been  sorry  fr  it 
th'  rest  iv  me  life  an'  some  years  afther  me 
death. 

"I  wanted  to  be  famous  in  thim  days,  whin 
I  was  young  an'  foolish.  'Twas  th'  dhream 
iv  me  life  to  have  people  say  as  I  wint  by: 
'There  goes  Dooley,  th'  gr-reatest  statesman 
iv  his  age/  an'  Lave  thim  name  babies, 
sthreets,  schools,  canal  boats,  an'  five-cent 
seegars  afther  me,  an'  whin  I  died  to  have  it 
put  in  th'  books  that  'at  this  critical  peeryod 
in  th'  history  of  America  there  was  need  iv  a 
man  who  combined  strenth  iv  charackter 
with  lo  -e  iv  counthry.  Such  a  man  was 
found  in  Martin  Looley,  a  prom'nent  retail 
liquor  dealer  in  Ar-rchey  Road.' 

"That's  what  I  wanted,  an'  I'm  glad  I 
didn't  get  me  wish.  If  I  had,  'tis  little  at- 
tintion  to  me  charackter  that  th'  books  iv 
what  Hogan  calls  bi-ography  wud  pay,  but 
a  good  deal  to  me  debts.  Though  they  min- 
tioned  th'  fact  that  I  resked  death  fr  me 
adopted  fatherland,  they'd  make  th'  more 
intherestin'  story  about  th'  time  I  almost  met 


16  MR.  DOOLEY 

it  be  fallin'  down  stairs  while  runnin'  away 
fr'm  a  polisman.  F'r  wan  page  they'd  print 
about  me  lcve  iv  counthry,  they'd  print  fifty 
about  me  love  iv  dhrink. 

"Th'  things  thim  gr-reat  men  done  wud 
give  thim  a  place  in  Byrnes's  book:.  If  Julius 
Caysar  was  alive  to-day  he'd  be  doin'  a  lock- 
step  down  in  Joliet.  He  was  a  corner  loafer 
in  his  youth  an'  a  robber  in  his  old  age.  He 
busted  into  churches,  fooled  ar-round  with 
other  men's  wives,  curled  his  hair  with  a  poker 
an'  smelled  iv  perfumeiy  like  a  Saturday  night 
car.  An'  his  wife  was  a  suspicyous  charack- 
ter  an'  he  turned  her  away. 

"Napolyon  Bonypart,  impror  iv  th' 
Fr-rinch,  was  far  too  gay  aven  f'r  thim  friv'- 
lous  people,  an'  had  fits.  His  first  wife  was  no 
betther  than  she  shud  be,  an'  his  second  wife 
didn't  care  f'r  him.  Willum  Shakespeare  is 
well  known  as  an  author  of  plays  that  no  wan 
can  play,  but  he  was  betther  known  as  a  two- 
handed  dhrinker,  a  bad  actor,  an'  a  thief. 
His  wife  was  a  common  scold  an'  led  him  th' 
life  he  desarved. 


GLORY  17 

"They  niver  leave  th'  la  "es  out  iv  these 
stories  iv  th'  gr-reat.  A  w  nan  that  mar- 
ries a  janius  has  a  fine  cha_.ce  iv  her  false 
hah*  becomin'  more  immortal  thin  his  gr-reat- 
es  deed.  It  don't  make  anny  diff'rence  if  all 
she  knew  abo  .  her  marital  hero  was  that  he 
was  a  consistent  feeder,  a  sleepy  husband,  an' 
indulge  it  to  his  childher  an'  sometimes  to 
himsilf,  an'  that  she  had  to  darn  his  socks. 
Nearly  all  th'  gr-reat  men  had  something  th' 
matther  with  their  wives.  I  always  thought 
Mrs.  Wash'nton,  who  was  th'  wife  iv  th' 
father  iv  our  counthry,  though  childless  her- 
silf,  was  about  right.  She  looks  good  in  th' 
pitchers,  with  a  shawl  ar-round  her  neck  an'  a 
frilled  night-cap  on  her  head.  But  Hogan 
says  she  had  a  tongue  sharper  thin  George's 
soord,  she  insulted  all  his  frinds,  an'  she  was 
much  older  thin  him.  As  f'r  George,  he  was 
a  case.  I  wish  th'  counthry  had  got  itsilf  a 
diff'rent  father.  A  gr-reat  moral  rellijous 
counthry  like  this  desarves  a  betther  parent. 

"They  were  all  alike.  I  think  iv  Bobby 
Burns  as  a  man  that  wrote  good  songs,  aven 


18  MR.  DOOLEY 

if  they  were  in  a  bar'brous  accint,  but  Hogan 
thinks  iv  him  as  havin'  a  load  all  th'  time  an' 
bein'  th'  scandal  iv  his  parish.  I  remimber 
Andhrew  Jackson  as  th'  man  that  licked  th' 
British  at  Noo  Orleans  be  thro  win''  cotton 
bales  at  thim,  but  Hogan  remimbers  him  as 
a  man  that  cudden't  spell  an'  had  a  wife 
who  smoked  a  corncob  \  )e.  I  r  nimber 
Abraham  Lincoln  f'r  freei^'  th'  slaves,  but 
Hogan  remimbers  how  he  used  to  cut  loose 
yarns  that  made  th'  bartinder  s^^ake  th' 
stove  harder  thin  it  needed.  I  1  >nim  er 
Grant  f'r  what  he  done  ar-round  Shi,  jh  whai 
he  was  young,  but  Hogan  remimbers  him  f'r 
what  he  done  arr-ound  New  York  whin  he 
was  old. 

"  An'  so  it  goes.  Whin  a  lad  with  nawthin' 
else  to  do  starts  out  to  write  a  bi-ography 
about  a  gr-reat  man,  he  don't  go  to  th'  war 
departmint  or  th'  public  library.  No,  sir,  he 
begins  to  search  th'  bureau  dhrawers,  old 
pigeon-holes,  th'  records  iv  th'  polis  coort,  an' 
th'  recollections  iv  th'  hired  girl.  He  likes 
letters    betther    thin    annything    else.     He 


GLORY  19 

don't  care  much  f'r  th'  kind  beginnin ' : '  Dear 
wife,  I'm  settin'  in  front  iv  th'  camp  fire 
wearin'  th'  flannel  chest  protector  ye  made 
me,  an'  dhreamin'  iv  ye,'  but  if  he  can  find 
wan  beginnin':  'Little  Bright  Eyes:  Th'  old 
woman  has  gone  to  th'  counthry,'  he's  th' 
happiest  bi-ographer  ye  cud  see  in  a  month's 
thravel. 

"Hogan  had  wan  iv  thim  books  in  here  th' 
other  day.  'Twas  written  by  a  frind,  so  ye 
can  see  it  wasn't  prejudiced  wan  way  or  an- 
other. 'At  this  time,'  says  the  book,  'an 
ivint  happened  that  was  destined  to  change 
th'  whole  coorse  iv  our  hero's  life.  Wan  day, 
while  in  a  sthreet  car,  where  he  lay  dozin' 
fr'm  dhrink,  he  awoke  to  see  a  beautiful 
woman  thryin'  to  find  a  nickel  in  a  powder 
puff.  Th'  brutal  conductor  towered  over  her, 
an'  it  was  more  thin  th'  Gin'ral  cud  bear. 
Risin'  to  his  feet,  with  an  oath,  he  pulled 
th'  rope  iv  th'  fare  register  an'  fell  off  th' 
car. 

"'Th'  incident  made  a  deep  impression  on 
th'  Gin'ral.    I  have  no  doubt  he  often  thought 


20  MR.  DOOLEY 

iv  his  beautiful  Madonna  iv  th'  throlly, 
although  he  niver  said  so.  But  wan  night 
as  he  staggered  out  iv  th'  dinin'-room  at  th' 
German  Ambassadure's,  who  shud  he  run 
acrost  but  th'  fair  vision  iv  th'  surface  line. 
She  curtsied  low  an'  picked  him  up,  an'  there 
began  a  frindship  so  full  iv  sorrow  an'  happi- 
ness to  both  iv  thim.  He  seldom  mintioned 
her,  but  wan  night  he  was  heard  to  mutter: 
'Her  face  is  like  wan  ivRembrand's  saints.' 
A  few  historyans  contind  that  what  he  said 
was:  'Her  face  looks  like  a  remnant  sale,' 
but  I  cannot  believe  this. 

"They  exchanged  brilliant  letters  f'r 
manny  years,  in  fact  ontil  th'  enchanthress 
was  locked  up  in  an  insane  asylum.  I  have 
not  been  able  to  find  anny  iv  his  letters,  but 
her's  fell  into  th'  hands  iv  wan  iv  his  faith- 
ful servants,  who  presarved  an'  published 
thim.  (Love  an'  Letters  iv  Gin'ral  Dhread- 
naught  an'  Alfaretta  Agonized;  Stolen,  Col- 
lected an'  Edited  be  James  Snooper.)  *  *  * 
Next  year  was  mim'rable  f'r  his  gloryous 
victhry  at  Punkheim,  all  th'  more  wondher- 


GLORY  21 

ful  because  at  th'  time  our  hero  was  sufferin, 
fr'm  deleeryyum  thremens. 

"'It  shows  th'  fortitude  iv  th'  Gin'ral  an' 
that  he  was  as  gr-reat  a  liar  as  I  have  indi- 
cated in  th'  precedin'  pages;  that  with  th' 
cheers  iv  his  sojers  ringin'  in  his  ears,  he  cud 
still  write  home  to  his  wife:  'OP  girl — I 
can't  find  annything  fit  to  dhrink  down  here. 
Can't  ye  sind  me  some  cider  fr'm  th'  farm.' 
*  *  *  In  1865  he  was  accused  iv  embezzle- 
ment, but  th'  charges  niver  reached  his  ears 
or  th'  public's  ontil  eight  years  afther  his 
death.  *  *  *  In  '67  his  foster  brother,  that 
he  had  neglected  in  Kansas  City,  slipped  on 
his  ballroom  flure  an'  broke  his  leg.  *  *  *  In 
70  his  wife  died  afther  torturin'  him  f'r  fifty 
years.  They  were  a  singularly  badly  mated 
couple,  with  a  fam'ly  iv  fourteen  childher, 
but  he  did  not  live  long  to  enjoy  his  happi- 
ness. F'r  some  reason  he  niver  left  his  house, 
but  passed  away  within  a  month,  one  of  th' 
gr-reatest  men  th'  cinchry  has  projooced. 
For  further  details  iv  th'  wrong  things  he 
done  see  th'  notes  at  th'  end  iv  th'  volume.' 


22  MR.  DOOLEY 

"It  seems  to  me,  Hinnissy,  that  this  here 
thing  called  bi-ography  is  a  kind  iv  an  offset 
f'r  histhry.  Histhry  lies  on  wan  side,  an' 
bi-ography  comes  along  an'  makes  it  rowl 
over  an'  lie  on  th'  other  side.  Th'  historyan 
says,  go  up;  th'  bi-ographer  says,  come  down 
among  us.     I  don't  believe  ayether  iv  thim. 

"I  was  talkin'  with  Father  Kelly  about  it 
afther  Hogan  wint  out.  'Were  they  all  so 
bad,  thim  men  that  I've  been  brought  up 
to  think  so  gloryous?'  says  I.  'They  were 
men,'  says  Father  Kelly.  'Ye  mustn't  be- 
lieve all  ye  hear  about  thim,  no  matther  who 
says  it,'  says  he.  'It's  a  thrait  iv  human 
nature  to  pull  down  th'  gr-reat  an'  sthrong. 
Th'  hero  sthruts  through  histhry  with  his 
chin  up  in  th'  air,  his  scipter  in  his  hand  an' 
his  crown  on  his  head.  But  behind  him 
dances  a  boot-black  imitatin'  his  walk  an' 
makin'  faces  at  him.  Fame  invites  a  man 
out  iv  his  house  to  be  crowned  f'r  his  gloryous 
deeds,  an'  sarves  him  with  a  warrant  f'r 
batin'  his  wife.  'Tis  not  in  th'  nature  iv 
things  that  it  shudden't  be  so.    We'd  all 


GLORY  23 

perish  iv  humilyation  if  th'  gr-reat  men  iv 
th'  wurruld  didn't  have  nachral  low-down 
thraits.  If  they  don't  happen  to  possess 
thim,  we  make  some  up  f'r  thim.  We  allow 
no  man  to  tower  over  us.  Wan  way  or  an- 
other we  level  th'  wurruld  to  our  own  height. 
If  we  can't  reach  th'  hero's  head  we  cut  off 
his  legs.  It  always  makes  me  feel  aisier  about 
mesilf  whin  I  r-read  how  bad  Julius  Cayzar 
was.  An'  it  stimylates  compytition.  If 
gr-reatness  an'  goodness  were  hand  in  hand 
'tis  small  chance  anny  iv  us  wud  have  iv 
seein'  our  pitchers  in  th'  pa-apers.' 

"An'  so  it  is  that  the  battles  ye  win,  th' 
pitchers  ye  paint,  th'  people  ye  free,  th' 
childher  that  disgrace  ye,  th'  false  step  iv 
ye'er  youth,  all  go  thundherin'  down  to  im- 
mortality together.  An'  afther  all,  isn't  it 
a  good  thing?  Th'  on'y  bi-ography  I  care 
about  is  th'  one  Mulligan  th'  stone-cutter  will 
chop  out  f'r  me.  I  like  Mulligan's  style,  f'r 
he's  no  flatthrer,  an'  he  has  wan  model  iv 
bi-ography  that  he  uses  f'r  old  an'  young, 
rich  an'  poor.     He  merely  writes  something 


24  MR.  DOOLEY 

to  th'  gin'ral  effect  that  th'  deceased  was  a 
wondher,  an'  lets  it  go  at  that." 

"  Which  wud  ye  rather  be,  famous  or  rich?  " 
asked  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"I'd  like  to  be  famous,"  said  Mr.  Dooley, 
"an'  have  money  enough  to  buy  off  all 
threatenin'  bi-ographers." 


WOMAN  SUFFRAGE 

"I  see  be  th'  pa-apers  that  th'  ladies  in 
England  have  got  up  in  their  might  an'  de- 
manded a  vote." 

"A  what?"  cried  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"A  vote,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 

"Th'  shameless  viragoes,"  said  Mr.  Hen- 
nessy.    " What  did  they  do?" 

"Well,  sir,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "an  immense 
concoorse  iv  forty  iv  thim  gathered  in  Lon- 
don an'  marched  up  to  th'  House  iv  Commons, 
or  naytional  dormytory,  where  a  loud  an' 
almost  universal  snore  proclaimed  that  a  de- 
bate was  ragin'  over  th'  bill  to  allow  English 
gintlemen  to  marry  their  deceased  wife's 
sisters  befure  th'  autopsy.  In  th'  great  hall 
iv  Rufus  some  iv  th'  mightiest  male  intellecks 
in  Britain  slept  undher  their  hats  while  an 
impassioned  orator  delivered  a  hem-stitched 
speech  on  th'  subject  iv  th'  day  to  th'  attin- 

25 


26  MR.  DOOLEY 

tive  knees  an'  feet  iv  th'  ministhry.  It  was 
into  this  here  assimbly  iv  th'  first  gintlemen 
iv  Europe  that  ye  see  on  ye'er  way  to  France 
that  th'  furyous  females  attimpted  to  enter. 
Undaunted  be  th'  stairs  iv  th'  building  or 
the'  rude  jeers  iv  th'  multichood,  they  ad- 
vanced to  th'  very  outside  dures  iv  th'  idifice. 
There  an  overwhelmin'  force  iv  three  polis- 
men  opposed  thim.  '  What  d'ye  want,  mum? ' 
asked  the  polis.  'We  demand  th'  suffrage,' 
says  th'  commander  iv  th'  army  iv  freedom. 
"The  brutal  polis  refused  to  give  it  to  thim 
an'  a  desp'rate  battle  followed.  Th'  ladies 
fought  gallantly,  hurlin'  cries  iv  'Brute,' 
'Monster,'  'Cheap,'  et  cethry,  at  th'  con- 
stablry.  Hat  pins  were  dhrawn.  Wan  lady 
let  down  her  back  hair;  another,  bolder  thin 
thJ  rest,  done  a  fit  on  th'  marble  stairs;  a 
third,  p'raps  rendered  insane  be  sufferin'  f'r 
a  vote,  sthruck  a  burly  ruffyan  with  a  Japan- 
ese fan  on  th'  little  finger  iv  th'  right  hand. 
Thin  th'  infuryated  officers  iv  th'  law  charged 
on  th'  champeens  iv  liberty.  A  scene  iv 
horror  followed.     Polismen  seized  ladies  be 


WOMAN  SUFFRAGE  27 

th'  arms  and'  led  thim  down  th'  stairs;  others 
were  carried  out  fainting  by  th'  tyrants.  In 
a  few  minyits  all  was  over,  an'  nawthin'  but 
three  hundhred  hairpins  remained  to  mark 
th'  scene  iv  slaughter.  Thus,  Hinnissy,  was 
another  battle  f'r  freedom  fought  an'  lost." 

"It  sarves  thim  right,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy. 
"They  ought  to  be  at  home  tindin'  th' 
babies." 

"A  thrue  statement  an'  a  sound  argymint 
that  appeals  to  ivry  man.  P'raps  they 
havn't  got  any  babies.  A  baby  is  a  good 
substichoot  f'r  a  ballot,  an'  th'  hand  that 
rocks  th'  cradle  sildom  has  time  f'r  anny  other 
luxuries.  But  why  shud  we  give  thim  a  vote, 
says  I.  What  have  they  done  to  injye  this 
impeeryal  suffrage  that  we  fought  an'  bled 
f'r?  Whin  me  forefathers  were  followin' 
George  Wash'nton  an'  sufferin'  all  th'  hard- 
ships that  men  endure  campin'  out  in  vaca- 
tion time,  what  were  th'  women  doin'?  They 
were  back  in  Matsachoosetts  milkin'  th'  cow, 
mendin'  socks,  followin'  th'  plow,  plantin' 
corn,  keepin'  store,  shoein'  horses,  an'  pur- 


28  MR.  DOOLEY 

sooin'  th'  other  frivvlous  follies  iv  th'  fair 
but  fickle  sect.  Afther  th'  war  our  brave  fel- 
lows come  back  to  Boston  an'  as  a  reward  f'r 
their  devotion  got  a  vote  apiece,  if  their  wives 
had  kept  th'  Pilgrim  fathers  that  stayed  at 
home  fr'm  foreclosin'  th'  morgedge  on  their 
property.  An'  now,  be  hivens,  they  want  to 
share  with  us  what  we  won. 

"Why,  they  wudden't  know  how  to  vote. 
They  think  it's  an  aisy  job  that  anny  wan 
can  do,  but  it  ain't.  It's  a  man's  wurruk, 
an'  a  sthrong  man's  with  a  sthrong  stomach. 
I  don't  know  annything  that  requires  what 
Hogan  calls  th'  exercise  iv  manly  vigor  more 
thin  votin'.  It's  th'  hardest  wurruk  I  do 
in  th'  year.  I  get  up  befure  daylight  an' 
thramp  over  to  th'  Timple  iv  Freedom,  which 
is  also  th'  office  iv  a  livery  stable.  Wan 
iv  th'  judges  has  a  cold  in  his  head  an' 
closes  all  th'  windows.  Another  judge  has 
built  a  roarin'  fire  in  a  round  stove  an'  is 
cookin'  red-hots  on  it.  Th'  room  is  lit  with 
candles  an'  karosene  lamps,  an'  is  crowded 
with  pathrites  who  haven't  been  to  bed.      At 


WOMAN  SUFFRAGE  29 

th'  dure  are  two  or  three  polismen  that  maybe 
ye  don't  care  to  meet.  Dock  O'Leary  says  he 
don't  know  annything  that'll  exhaust  th'  air 
iv  a  room  so  quick  as  a  polisman  in  his  winter 
unyform.  All  th'  pathrites  an',  as  th'  pa-apers 
call  thim,  th'  high-priests  iv  this  here  sacred 
rite,  ar-re  smokin'  th'  best  seegars  that  th' 
token  money  iv  our  counthry  can  buy. 

"In  th'  pleasant  warmth  iv  th'  fire,  th'  har- 
ness on  th'  walls  glows  an'  puts  out  its  own 
peculiar  aromy.  Th'  owner  iv  th'  sanchoo- 
ary  iv  Liberty  comes  in,  shakes  up  a  bottle  iv 
liniment  made  iv  carbolic  acid,  pours  it  into 
a  cup  an'  goes  out.  Wan  iv  th'  domestic 
attindants  iv  th'  guests  iv  th'  house  walks 
through  fr'm  makin'  th'  beds.  Afther  a 
while  th'  chief  judge,  who  knows  me  well, 
because  he  shaves  me  three  times  a  week, 
gives  me  a  contimchous  stare,  asks  me  me 
name  an'  a  number  iv  scand'lous  questions 
about  me  age. 

"I'm  timpted  to  make  an  angry  retort, 
whin  I  see  th'  polisman  movin'  nearer,  so  I 
take  me  ballot  an'  wait  me  turn  in  th'  booth. 


30  MR.  DOOLEY 

They're  all  occypied  be  writhin'  freemen, 
callin'  in  sthrangled  voices  f'r  somewan  to 
light  th'  candle  so  they'll  be  sure  they  ain't 
votin'  th'  prohybition  ticket.  Th'  calico 
sheets  over  th'  front  iv  th'  booths  wave  an' 
ar-re  pushed  out  like  th'  curtains  iv  a  Pull- 
man car  whin  a  fat  man  is  dhressin'  inside 
while  th'  thrain  is  goin'  r-round  a  curve.  In 
time  a  freeman  bursts  through,  with  perspy- 
ration  poorin'  down  his  nose,  hurls  his  suffrage 
at  th'  judge  an'  staggers  out.  I  plunge  in, 
sharpen  an  inch  iv  lead  pencil  be  rendin'  it 
with  me  teeth,  mutilate  me  ballot  at  th'  top 
iv  th'  dimmycratic  column,  an'  run  f'r  me 
life. 

"Cud  a  lady  do  that,  I  ask  ye?  No,  sir, 
'tis  no  job  f'r  th'  fair.  It's  men's  wurruk. 
Molly  Donahue  wants  a  vote,  but  though  she 
cud  bound  Kamachatka  as  aisily  as  ye  cud 
this  precint,  she  ain't  qualified  f'r  it.  It's 
meant  f'r  gr-reat  sturdy  American  pathrites 
like  Mulkowsky  th'  Pollacky  down  th'  sthreet. 
He  don't  know  yet  that  he  ain't  votin'  f'r  th' 
King  iv  Poland.     He  thinks  he's  still  over 


WOMAN  SUFFRAGE  31 

there  pretindin'  to  be  a  horse  instead  iv  a  free 
American  givin'  an  imytation  iv  a  steam 
dhredge. 

"On  th'  first  Choosday  afther  th'  first  Mon- 
day in  November  an'  April  a  man  goes  ar- 
round  to  his  house,  wakes  him  up,  leads  him 
down  th'  sthreet,  an'  votes  him  th'  way  ye'd 
wather  a  horse.  He  don't  mind  inhalin'  th'  air 
iv  liberty  in  a  livery  stable.  But  if  Molly  Don- 
ahue wint  to  vote  in  a  livery  stable,  th'  first 
thing  she'd  do  wud  be  to  get  a  broom,  sweep 
up  th'  flure,  open  th'  windows,  disinfect  th' 
booths,  take  th'  harness  fr'm  th'  walls,  an' 
hang  up  a  pitcher  iv  Niagary  be  moonlight, 
chase  out  th'  watchers  an'  polis,  remove  th' 
seegars,  make  th'  judges  get  a  shave,  an' 
p'raps  invalydate  th'  iliction.  It's  no  job  f'r 
her,  an'  I  told  her  so. 

"'We  demand  a  vote,'  says  she.  'All 
right,'  says  I,  'take  mine.  It's  old,  but  it's 
trustworthy  an'  durable.  It  may  look  a  little 
th'  worse  f'r  wear  fr'm  bein'  hurled  again  a 
republican  majority  in  this  counthry  f'r  forty 
years,  but  it's  all  right.    Take  my  vote  an' 


32  MR.  DOOLEY 

use  it  as  ye  please/  says  I,  'an'  I'll  get  an 
hour  or  two  exthry  sleep  iliction  day  morninV 
says  I.  'I've  voted  so  often  I'm  tired  iv  it 
annyhow/  says  I.  'But/  says  I,  'why  shud 
anny  wan  so  young  an'  beautiful  as  ye  want 
to  do  annything  so  foolish  as  to  vote? '  says  I. 
'Ain't  we  intilligent  enough?'  says  she. 
'Ye'ar  too  intilligent/  says  I.  'But  intilli- 
gence  don't  give  ye  a  vote.' 

" ' What  does,  thin/  says  she.  'Well/  says 
I,  'enough  iv  ye  at  wan  time  wantin'  it 
enough.  How  many  ladies  ar-re  there  in 
ye'er  Woman's  Rights  Club?'  'Twinty/ 
says  she.  'Make  it  three  hundher/  says  I, 
'an'  ye'll  be  on  ye'er  way.  Ye'er  mother 
doesn't  want  it,  does  she?  No,  nor  ye'er 
sister  Katie?  No,  nor  ye'er  cousin,  nor  ye'er 
aunt?  All  that  iliction  day  means  to  thim  is 
th'  old  man  goin'  off  in  th'  mornin'  with  a 
light  step  an'  fire  in  his  eye,  an'  comin'  home 
too  late  at  night  with  a  dent  in  his  hat,  news- 
boys hollerin'  exthries  with  th'  news  that 
fifty-four  votes  had  been  cast  in  th'  third 
precint  in  th'  sivinth  ward  at  8  o'clock,  an' 


WOMAN  SUFFRAGE  33 

Packy  an'  Aloysius  stealin'  bar'ls  fr'm  th' 
groceryman  f'r  th'  bone-fire.  If  they  iver 
join  ye  an'  make  up  their  minds  to  vote, 
they'll  vote.     Ye  bet  they  will.' 

"  '  Ye  see,  'twas  this  way  votin'  come  about. 
In  th'  beginnin'  on'y  th'  king  had  a  vote,  an' 
ivrybody  else  was  a  Chinyman  or  an  Indyan. 
Th'  king  clapped  his  crown  on  his  head  an' 
wint  down  to  th'  polls,  marked  a  cross  at  th' 
head  iv  th'  column  where  his  name  was,  an' 
wint  out  to  cheer  th'  returns.  Thin  th' 
jooks  got  sthrong,  an'  says  they:  " Votin' 
seems  a  healthy  exercise  an'  we'd  like  to  thry 
it.  Give  us  th'  franchise  or  we'll  do  things 
to  ye."  An'  they  got  it.  Thin  it  wint  down 
through  th'  earls  an'  th'  markises  an'  th'  rest 
iv  th'  Dooley  fam'ly,  till  fin'lly  all  that  was 
left  iv  it  was  flung  to  th'  ign'rant  masses  like 
Hinnissy,  because  they  made  a  lot  iv  noise  an' 
threatened  to  set  fire  to  th'  barns.' 

" '  An'  there  ye  ar-re.  Ye'll  niver  get  it  be 
askin'  th'  polis  f'r  it.  No  wan  iver  got  his 
rights  fr'm  a  polisman,  an'  be  th'  same  token, 
there  ar-re  no  rights  worth  havin'  that  a  polis- 


34  MR.  DOOLEY 

man  can  keep  ye  fr'm  gettin'.  Th'  ladies  iv 
London  ar-re  followin'  the  right  coorse,  on'y 
there  ain't  enough  iv  thim.  If  there  were 
forty  thousand  iv  thim  ar-rmed  with  hat  pins 
an'  prepared  to  plunge  th'  same  into  th' 
stomachs  iv  th'  inimies  iv  female  suffrage,  an' 
if,  instead  iv  faintin'  in  th'  ar-rms  iv  th'  con- 
stablry,  they  charged  an'  punctured  thim  an' 
broke  their  way  into  th'  House  iv  Commons, 
an'  pulled  th'  wig  off  the  speaker,  an'  knocked 
th'  hat  over  th'  eyes  iv  th'  prime  ministher  it 
wudden't  be  long  befure  some  mimber  wud 
talk  in  his  sleep  in  their  favor.  Ye  bet!  If 
ye'er  suffrage  club  was  composed  iv  a  hun- 
dhred  thousand  sturdy  ladies  it  wudden't 
be  long  befure  Bill  O'Brien  wud  be  sindin'  ye 
a  box  iv  chocolate  creams  f'r  ye'er  vote.' 

"'Some  day  ye  may  get  a  vote,  but  befure 
ye  do  I'll  r-read  this  in  th'  pa-apers:  "A  hun- 
dhred  thousand  armed  an'  detarmined  women 
invaded  th'  capital  city  to-day  demandin' 
th'  right  to  vote.  They  chased  th'  polis 
acrost  th'  Pottymac,  mobbed  a  newspaper 
that  was  agin  th'  bill,  an'  tarred  an'  feath- 


WOMAN  SUFFRAGE  35 

ered  Sinitor  Glue,  th'  leader  iv  th'  opposition. 
At  10  o'clock  a  rumor  spread  that  th'  Prisi- 
dent  wud  veto  th'  bill,  an'  instantly  a  huge 
crowd  iv  excited  females  gathered  in  front  of 
the  White  House,  hurlin'  rocks  an'  cryin' 
'Lynch  him!'  Th'  tumult  was  on'y  quelled 
whin  th'  Prisident's  wife  appeared  on  th'  bal- 
cony an'  made  a  brief  speech.  She  said  she 
was  a  mimber  iv  th'  local  suffrage  club,  an' 
she  felt' safe  in  assuring  her  sisters  that  th'  bill 
wud  be  signed.  If  nicissry,  she  wud  sign  it 
hersilf.  (Cheers.)  Th'  Prisident  was  a  little 
onruly,  but  he  was  frequently  that  way.  Th' 
marrid  ladies  in  th'  aujeence  wud  undher- 
stand.  He  meant  nawthin'.  It  was  on'y 
wan  iv  his  tantrums.  A  little  moral  suasion 
wud  bring  him  ar-round  all  right.  At  prisint 
th'  Chief  Magistrate  was  in  th'  kitchen  with 
his  daughter  settin'  on  his  head. 

'"Th'  speech  was  received  with  loud 
cheers,  an'  th'  mob  proceeded  down  Pinnsly- 
vanya  Avnoo.  Be  noon  all  enthrances  to  th' 
capital  were  jammed.  Congressmen  attimpt- 
in'  to  enter  were  seized  be  th'  hair  iv  th'  head 


36  MR.  DOOLEY 

an'  made  to  sign  a  pa-aper  promisin'  to  vote 
right.  Immejately  afther  th'  prayer  th' 
Hon'rable  Clarence  Gumdhrop  iv  Matsa- 
choosetts  offered  th'  suffrage  bill  f'r  passage. 
'Th'  motion  is  out  iv  ordher/  began  th' 
Speaker.  At  this  minyit  a  lady  standin'  be- 
hind th'  chair  dhrove  a  darning  needle  through 
his  coat  tails.  'But/  continued  th'  Speaker, 
reachin'  behind  him  with  an  agnized  ex- 
pression, 'I  will  let  it  go  annyhow.'  'Mr. 
Speaker,  I  protest/  began  th'  Hon'rable 
Attila  Sthrong,  'I  protest — '  At  this  a  per- 
feck  tornado  iv  rage  broke  out  in  th'  gall'ries. 
Inkwells,  bricks,  combs,  shoes,  smellin' 
bottles,  hand  mirrors,  fans,  an'  powdher  puffs 
were  hurled  at  th'  onforchnit  mimber.  In 
the  midst  iv  th'  confusion  th'  wife  iv  Con- 
gressman Sthrong  cud  be  seen  wavin'  a  par'sol 
over  her  head  an'  callin'  out:  'I  dare  ye  to 
come  home  to-night,  polthroon.' 

'"Whin  th'  noise  partially  subsided,  th' 
bold  Congressman,  his  face  livid  with  emotion, 
was  heard  to  remark  with  a  sob :  '  I  was  on'y 
about  to  say  I  second  th'  motion,  deary.'    Th' 


WOMAN  SUFFRAGE  37 

bill  was  carried  without  a  dissintin'  voice,  an' 
rushed  over  to  th'  Sinit.  There  it  was  op- 
posed be  Jeff  Davis  but  afther  a  brief 
dialogue  with  th'  leader  iv  th'  suffrageites,  he 
swooned  away.  Th'  Sinit  fin'lly  insthructed 
th'  clerk  to  cast  th'  unanimous  vote  f'r  th' 
measure.  To-night  in  th'  prisince  iv  a  vast 
multichood  th'  Prisident  was  led  out  be  his 
wife.  He  was  supported,  or  rather  pushed, 
be  two  iv  his  burly  daughters.  He  seemed 
much  confused,  an'  his  wife  had  to  point  out 
th'  place  where  he  was  to  sign.  With  trem- 
blin'  fingers  he  affixed  his  signature  an'  was 
led  back. 

'"The  night  passed  quietly.  Th' sthreets 
were  crowded  all  avenin'  with  good-natured 
throngs  iv  ladies,  an'  in  front  iv  th'  dry 
goods  stores,  which  were  illuminated  f'r  th' 
occasion,  it  was  almost  impossible  to  get 
through.  Iv  coorse  there  were  th'  usual 
riochous  scenes  in  th'  dhrug  stores,  where  th' 
bibulous  gathered  at  th'  sody-wather  coun- 
thers  an'  cillybrated  th'  victory  in  lemon, 
vanilla,  an'  choc'late,  some  iv  thim  keepin'  it 
up  till  9  o'clock,  or  aven  later.'" 


38  MR.  DOOLEY 


u  c 


:Whin  that  comes  about,  me  child/  says 
I,  'ye  may  sheathe  ye'er  hat  pins  in  ye'er 
millinary,  f'r  ye'll  have  as  much  right  to  vote 
as  th'  most  ignorant  man  in  th'  ward.  But 
don't  ask  f'r  rights.  Take  thim.  An'  don't 
let  anny  wan  give  thim  to  ye.  A  right  that  is 
handed  to  ye  f'r  nawthin'  has  somethin'  th' 
matther  with  it.  It's  more  than  likely  it's 
on'y  a  wrong  turned  inside  out/  says  I.  'I 
didn't  fight  f'r  th'  rights  I'm  told  I  injye, 
though  to  tell  ye  th'  truth  I  injye  me  wrongs 
more;  but  some  wan  did.  Some  time  some 
fellow  was  prepared  to  lay  down  his  life,  or 
betther  still,  th'  other  fellows',  f'r  th'  right 
to  vote.'" 

"I  believe  ye're  in  favor  iv  it  ye'ersilf,"  said 
Mr.  Hennessy. 

" Faith,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "I'm  not  wan 
way  or  th'  other.  I  don't  care.  What  dif- 
ference does  it  make?  I  wudden't  mind  at  all 
havin'  a  little  soap  an'  wather,  a  broom  an'  a 
dusther  applied  to  pollyticks.  It  wudden't 
do  anny  gr-reat  harm  if  a  man  cudden't  be 
illicted  to  office  onless  he  kept  his  hair  combed 
an'  blacked  his  boots  an'  shaved  his  chin 


WOMAN  SUFFRAGE  39 

wanst  a  month.  Annyhow,  as  Hogan  says, 
I  care  not  who  casts  th'  votes  iv  me  counthry 
so  long  as  we  can  hold  th'  offices.  An'  there's 
on'y  wan  way  to  keep  the  women  out  iv 
office,  an'  that's  to  give  thim  a  vote." 


THE  BACHELOR  TAX 

"This  here  pa-aper  says/7  said  Mr.  Hen- 
nessy,  "that  they're  goin'  to  put  a  tax  on 
bachelors.  That's  r-right.  Why  shudden't 
there  be  a  tax  on  bachelors?  There's  one  on 
dogs." 

"That's  r-right;"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "An' 
they're  goin'  to  make  it  five  dollars  a  year. 
Th'  dogs  pay  only  two.  It's  quite  a  conces- 
sion to  us.  They  consider  us  more  thin  twice 
as  vallyable,  or  annyhow  more  thin  twice 
as  dangerous  as  dogs.  I  suppose  ye  expect 
next  year  to  see  me  throttin'  around  with  a 
leather  collar  an'  a  brass  tag  on  me  neck.  If 
me  tax  isn't  paid  th'  bachelor  wagon'll  come 
over  an'  th'  bachelor  catcher'll  lassoo  me  an' 
take  me  to  th'  pound  an'  I'll  be  kept  there 
three  days  an'  thin,  if  still  unclaimed,  I'll  be 
dhrowned  onless  th'  pound  keeper  takes  a 
fancy  to  me. 

40 


THE  BACHELOR  TAX  41 

"Ye'll  niver  see  it,  me  boy.  No,  Sir.  Us 
bachelors  ar-re  a  sthrong  body  iv  men  polyt- 
ickally,  as  well  as  handsome  and  brave.  If 
ye  thry  to  tax  us  we'll  fight  ye  to  th'  end.  If 
worst  comes  to  worst  we  won't  pay  th'  tax. 
Don't  ye  think  f'r  a  minyit  that  light-footed 
heroes  that  have  been  eludin'  onprincipled 
females  all  their  lives  won't  be  able  to  dodge 
a  little  thing  like  a  five-dollar  tax.  There's 
no  clumsy  collector  in  th'  wurruld  that  cud 
catch  up  with  a  man  iv  me  age  who  has 
avoided  the  machinations  iv  th'  fair  f'r  forty 
years  an'  remains  unmarrid. 

"An'  why  shud  we  be  taxed?  We're  th' 
mainstay  iv  th'  Constitution  an'  about  all 
that  remains  iv  liberty.  If  ye  think  th' 
highest  jooty  iv  citizenship  is  to  raise  a 
fam'ly  why  don' t  ye  give  a  vote  to  th'  shad? 
Who  puts  out  ye'er  fire  f'r  ye,  who  supports 
th'  Naytional  Governmint  be  payin'  most  iv 
th'  intarnal  rivnoo  jooties,  who  maintains  th' 
schools  ye  sind  ye'er  ignorant  little  childher 
to,  be  payin'  th'  saloon  licenses,  who  does  th' 
fightin'  f'r  ye  in  th'  wars  but  th'  bachelors? 


42  MR.  DOOLEY 

"Th'  marrid  men  start  all  th'  wars  with 
loose  talk  whin  they're  on  a  spree.  But  whin 
war  is  declared  they  begin  to  think  what  a 
tur-rble  thing  'twud  be  if  they  niver  come 
home  to  their  fireside  an'  their  wife  got 
marrid  again  an'  all  their  grandchildher  an' 
their  great-grandchildher  an'  their  widow  an' 
th'  man  that  marrid  her  an'  his  divoorced 
wife  an'  their  rilitives,  descindants,  friends, 
an'  acquaintances  wud  have  to  live  on  afther 
father  was  dead  and  gone  with  a  large  piece 
iv  broken  iron  in  his  stomach  or  back,  as  th' 
case  might  be,  but  a  pension  come  fr'm  th' 
Governmint.  So,  th'  day  war  is  declared  ye 
come  over  here  an'  stick  a  sthrange-lookin' 
weepin  in  me  hand  an'  I  close  down  me  shop 
an'  go  out  somewhere  I  niver  was  befure  an' 
maybe  lose  me  leg  defindin'  th'  hearths  iv  me 
counthry,  me  that  niver  had  a  hearth  iv  me 
own  to  warm  me  toes  by  but  th'  oil  stove  in 
me  bedroom.  An'  that's  th'  kind  iv  men  ye'd 
be  wantin'  to  tax  like  a  pushcart  or  a  cow. 
Onscrupulous  villain ! 

"Whin  ye  tax  th'  bachelors  ye  tax  valor. 


THE  BACHELOR  TAX  43 

Whin  ye  tax  th'  bachelors  ye  tax  beauty. 
Ye've  got  to  admit  that  we're  a  much  finer 
lookin'  lot  iv  fellows  thin  th'  marrid  men. 
That's  why  we're  bachelors.  Tis  with  us  as 
with  th'  ladies.  A  lady  with  an  erratic  face 
is  sure  to  be  marrid  befure  a  Dhream  iv 
Beauty.  She  starts  to  wurruk  right  away  an' 
what  Hogan  calls  th'  doctrine  iv  av'rages  is 
always  with  thim  that  starts  early  an'  makes 
manny  plays.  But  th'  Dhream  iv  Beauty 
figures  out  that  she  can  wait  an'  take  her 
pick  an'  'tis  not  ontil  she  is  bumpin'  thirty 
that  she  wakes  up  with  a  scream  to  th'  peril 
iv  her  position  an'  runs  out  an'  pulls  a  man 
down  fr'm  th'  top  iv  a  bus.  Manny  a  plain 
but  determined  young  woman  have  I  seen 
happily  marrid  an'  doin'  th'  cookin'  f'r  a 
large  fam'ly  whin  her  frind  who'd  had  her 
pitcher  in  th'  contest  f'r  th'  most  beautiful 
woman  in  Brighton  Park  was  settin'  behind 
th'  blinds  waitin'  f'r  some  wan  to  take  her 
buggy  ridin'. 

"So  it  is  with  us.     A  man  with  a  face  that 
looks  as  if  some  wan  had  thrown  it  at  him  in 


44  MR.  DOOLEY 

anger  nearly  always  marries  befure  he  is  old 
enough  to  vote.  He  feels  he  has  to  an'  he 
cultivates  what  Hogan  calls  th'  graces.  How 
often  do  ye  hear  about  a  fellow  that  he  is 
very  plain  but  has  a  beautiful  nature.  Ye 
bet  he  has.  If  he  hadn't  an'  didn't  always 
keep  it  in  th'  show-case  where  all  th'  wurruld 
cud  see  he'd  be  lynched  be  th'  Society  f'r 
Municipal  Improvement.  But  'tis  diff'rent 
with  us  comely  bachelors.  Bein'  very  beauti- 
ful, we  can  afford  to  be  haughty  an'  peevish. 
It  makes  us  more  inthrestin'.  We  kind  iv 
look  thim  over  with  a  gentle  but  supeeryor 
eye  an'  say  to  oursilves:  'Now,  there's  a  nice, 
pretty  atthractive  girl.  I  hope  she'll  marry 
well.'  By  an'  by  whin  th'  roses  fade  fr'm 
our  cheeks  an'  our  eye  is  dimmed  with  age  we 
bow  to  th'  inivitable,  run  down  th'  flag  iv 
defiance,  an'  ar-re  yanked  into  th'  multichood 
iv  happy  an'  speechless  marrid  men  that  look 
like  flashlight  pitchers.  Th'  best-lookin'  iv 
us  niver  get  marrid  at  all. 

"Yes,  Sir,  there's  no  doubt  we  do  a  good 
deal  to  beautify  th'  landscape.    Whose  pitch- 


THE  BACHELOR  TAX  45 

ers  ar-re  those  ye  see  in  th'  advertisemints  iv 
th'  tailorman?  There's  not  a  marrid  man 
among  thim.  They're  all  bachelors.  What 
does  th'  gents'  furnishing  man  hang  his  finest 
neckties  in  th'  front  window  f'r  but  to  glisten 
with  a  livelier  iris,  as  Hogan  says,  th'  bur- 
nished bachelor?  See  th'  lordly  bachelor 
comin'  down  th'  sthreet,  with  his  shiny  plug 
hat  an'  his  white  vest,  th'  dimon  stud  that  he 
wint  in  debt  f'r  glistenin'  in  his  shirt  front, 
an'  th'  patent-leather  shoes  on  his  feet  out- 
shinin'  th'  noonday  sun. 

"Thin  we  see  th'  marrid  man  with  th' 
wrinkles  in  his  coat  an'  his  tie  undher  his  ear 
an'  his  chin  unshaven.  He's  walkin'  in  his 
gaiters  in  a  way  that  shows  his  socks  ar-re 
mostly  darned.  I  niver  wore  a  pair  iv  darned 
socks  since  I  was  a  boy.  Whin  I  make  holes 
in  me  hosiery  I  throw  thim  away.  'Tis  a  fine 
idee  iv  th'  ladies  that  men  are  onhappy  be- 
cause they  have  no  wan  to  darn  their  socks 
an'  put  buttons  on  their  shirts.  Th'  truth 
is  that  a  man  is  not  onhappy  because  his 
socks  ar-re  not  darned  but  because  they  ar-re. 


46  MR.  DOOLEY 

An'  as  f'r  buttons  on  his  shirt,  whin  th'  but- 
tons comes  off  a  bachelor's  shirt  he  fires  it 
out  iv  th'  window.  His  rule  about  clothes  is 
thurly  scientific.  Th'  survival  iv  th'  fit,  d'ye 
mind.  Th'  others  to  th'  discard.  No  marrid 
man  dares  to  wear  th'  plumage  iv  a  bachelor. 
If  he  did  his  wife  wud  suspict  him.  He  lets 
her  buy  his  cravats  an'  his  seegars  an'  'tis  little 
difference  it  makes  to  him  which  he  smokes. 
"Twud  be  villanous  to  tax  th'  bachelors. 
Think  iv  th'  moral  side  iv  it.  What's  that? 
Ye  needn't  grin.  I  said  moral.  Yes,  Sir. 
We're  th'  most  onselfish  people  in  th'  wurruld. 
All  th'  throubles  iv  th'  neighborhood  ar-re  my 
throubles  an'  my  throubles  ar-re  me  own.  If 
ye  shed  a  tear  f'r  anny  person  but  wan  ye  lose 
ye'er  latch-key,  but  havin'  no  wan  in  par- 
tiklar  to  sympathize  with  I'm  supposed  to 
sympathize  with  ivry  wan.  On  th'  conthry 
if  ye  have  anny  griefs  ye  can't  bear  ye  dump 
thim  on  th'  overburdened  shoulders  iv  ye'er 
wife.  But  if  I  have  anny  griefs  I  must  bear 
thim  alone.  If  a  bachelor  complains  iv  his 
throubles  people  say:    'Oh,  he's  a  gay  dog. 


THE  BACHELOR  TAX  47 

Sa'ves  him  right.'  An'  if  he  goes  on  com- 
plainin'  he's  liable  to  be  in  gr-reat  peril.  I 
/udden't  dare  to  tell  me  woes  to  ye'er  wife, 
if  I  did  she'd  have  a  good  cry,  because  she 
injyes  cryin',  an'  thin  she'd  put  on  her  bon- 
net an'  r-run  over  an'  sick  th'  widow  O'Brien 
on  me. 

"Whin  a  lady  begins  to  wondher  if  I'm  not 
onhappy  in  me  squalid  home  without  th' 
touch  iv  a  woman's  hand  ayether  in  th'  tidy 
on  th'  chair  or  in  th'  inside  pocket  iv  th'  coat, 
I  say:  'No,  ma'am,  I  live  in  gr-reat  luxury 
surrounded  be  all  that  money  can  buy  an' 
manny  things  that  it  can't  or  won't.  There 
ar-re  Turkish  rugs  on  th'  flure  an'  chandy- 
leers  hang  fr'm  th'  ceilins.  There  I  set  at 
night  dhrinkin'  absinthe,  sherry  wine,  port 
wine,  champagne,  beer,  whisky,  rum,  claret, 
kimmel,  weiss  beer,  cream  de  mint,  curaso, 
an'  binidictine,  occas'nally  takin'  a  dhraw  at 
an  opeem  pipe  an'  r-readin'  a  Fr-rinch  novel. 
Th'  touch  iv  a  woman's  hand  wudden't  help 
this  here  abode  iv  luxury.  Wanst,  whin  I 
was  away,  th'  beautiful  Swede  slave  that 


48  MR.  DOOLEY 

scrubs  out  me  place  iv  business  brok :  into  th' 
palachal  boodoor  an'  in  thryin'  to  set  straight 
th'  ile  paintin'  iv  th'  Chicago  fire  burnir. 
Ilivator  B,  broke  a  piece  off  a  frame  that  cost 
me  two  dollars  iv  good  money.'  If  they  knew 
that  th'  on'y  furniture  in  me  room  was  a 
cane-bottomed  chair  an'  a  thrunk  an'  that 
there  was  nawthin'  on  th'  flure  but  oilcloth 
an'  me  clothes,  an'  that  'tis  so  long  since  me 
bed  was  made  up  that  it's  now  a  life-size 
plaster  cast  iv  me,  I'd  be  dhragged  to  th' 
altar  at  th'  end  iv  a  chain. 

"Speakin'  as  wan  iv  th'  few  survivin' 
bachelors,  an  old  vethran  that's  escaped 
manny  a  peril  an'  got  out  iv  manny  a  diffi- 
cult position  with  honor,  I  wish  to  say  that 
fair  woman  is  niver  so  dangerous  as  whin  she's 
sorry  f'r  ye.  Whin  th'  wurruds  'Poor  man' 
rises  to  her  lips  an'  th'  nurse  light  comes  into 
her  eyes,  I  know  'tis  time  f'r  me  to  take  me 
hat  an'  go.  An'  if  th'  hat's  not  handy  I  go 
without  it. 

"I  bet  ye  th'  idee  iv  taxin'  bachelors 
started  with  th'  dear  ladies.    But  I  say  to 


THE  BACHELOR  TAX  49 

thim:  'Ladies,  is  not  this  a  petty  revenge  on 
ye'er  best  frinds?  Look  on  ye'er  own  hus- 
bands an'  think  what  us  bachelors  have  saved 
manny  iv  ye'er  sisters  fr'm.  Besides  aren't 
we  th'  hope  iv  th'  future  iv  th'  instichoochion 
iv  mathrimony?  If  th'  onmarrid  ladies  ar-re 
to  marry  at  all,  'tis  us,  th'  bold  bachelors, 
they  must  look  forward  to.  We're  not  bache- 
lors fr'm  choice.  We're  bachelors  because 
we  can't  make  a  choice.  Ye  all  look  so 
lovely  to  us  that  we  hate  to  bring  th'  tears 
into  th'  eyes  iv  others  iv  ye  be  marryin'  some 
iv  ye.  Considher  our  onforchnit  position  an' 
be  kind.  Don't  oppress  us.  We  were  not 
meant  f'r  slaves.  Don't  thry  to  coerce  us. 
Continue  to  lay  f'r  us  an'  hope  on.  If  ye  tax 
us  there's  hardly  an  old  bachelor  in  th'  land 
that  won't  fling  his  five  dollars  acrost  th' 
counter  at  th'  tax  office  an'  say:  'Hang  th' 
expense.'" 


THE  RISING  OF  THE  SUBJECT 

RACES 


(f 


Ye'er  frind  Simpson  was  in  here  awhile 
ago,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "an'  he  was  that 
mad." 

"What  ailed  him?"  asked  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"Well,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "it  seems  he 
wint  into  me  frind  Hip  Lung's  laundhry  to  get 
his  shirt  an'  it  wasn't  ready.  Followin'  what 
Hogan  calls  immemoryal  usage,  he  called  Hip 
Lung  such  names  as  he  cud  remimber  and 
thried  to  dhrag  him  around  th'  place  be  his 
shinin'  braid.  But  instead  iv  askin'  f'r 
mercy,  as  he  ought  to,  Hip  Lung  swung  a  flat- 
iron  on  him  an'  thin  ironed  out  his  spine  as  he 
galloped  up  th'  stairs.  He  come  to  me  f'r 
advice  an'  I  advised  him  to  see  th'  American 
consul.  Who's  th'  American  consul  in  Chi- 
cago now?  I  don't  know.  But  Hogan,  who 
was  here  at  th'  time,  grabs  him  be  th'  hand  an' 

50 


RISING  OF  THE  SUBJECT  RACES   51 

says  he :  *  I  congratulate  ye,  me  boy, '  he  says. 
'  Ye  have  a  chance  to  be  wan  iv  th'  first  mar- 
tyrs iv  th'  white  race  in  th'  gr-reat  sthruggle 
that's  comin'  between  thim  an'  th'  smoked 
or  tinted  races  iv  th'  wurruld,'  he  says.  '  Ye'll 
be  another  Jawn  Brown's  body  or  Mrs. 
O'Leary's  cow.  Go  back  an'  let  th'  Chink 
kill  ye  an'  cinchries  hence  people  will  come 
with  wreathes  and  ate  hard-biled  eggs  on 
ye'er  grave,'  he  says. 

"But  Simpson  said  he  did  not  care  to  be  a 
martyr.  He  said  he  was  a  retail  grocer  be 
pro-fissyon  an'  Hip  Lung  was  a  customer  iv 
his,  though  he  got  most  iv  his  vittles  fr'm  th' 
taxydermist  up  th'  sthreet  an'  he  thought  he'd 
go  around  to-morrah  an'  concilyate  him.  So 
he  wint  away. 

"Hogan,  d'ye  mind,  has  a  theery  that  it's 
all  been  up  with  us  blondes  since  th'  Jap'nese 
war.  Hogan  is  a  prophet.  He's  wan  iv  th' 
gr-reatest  prophets  I  know.  A  prophet,  Hin- 
nissy,  is  a  man  that  foresees  throuble.  No 
wan  wud  listen  a  minyit  to  anny  prophet  that 
prophesized    pleasant    days.    A    successful 


52  MR.  DOOLEY 

weather  prophet  is  wan  that  predicts  thunder 
storms,  hurry  canes  an'  earthquakes;  a  good 
financial  prophet  is  wan  that  predicts  panics; 
a  pollytickal  prophet  must  look  into  th'  tea 
leaves  an'  see  th'  institutions  iv  th'  wurruld 
cracked  wide  open  an'  th'  smilin',  not  to  say 
grinnin',  fields  iv  this  counthry  iv  ours,  or 
somebody's  laid  waste  with  fire  and  soord. 
Hogan's  that  kind  iv  a  prophet.  I'm  on- 
happy  about  to-day  but  cheerful  about  to- 
morrah.  Hogan  is  th'  happyest  man  in  th' 
wurruld  about  to-day  but  to-morrah  some- 
thing is  goin'  to  happen.  I  hate  to-day  be- 
cause to-morrah  looks  so  good.  He's  happy 
to-day  because  it  is  so  pleasant  compared 
with  what  to-morrah  is  goin'  to  be.  Says  I: 
'Cheer  up;  we'll  have  a  good  time  at  th' 
picnic  next  Saturdah.'  Says  he:  'It  will 
rain  at  th'  picnic' 

"He's  a  rale  prophet.  I  wudden't  pick 
him  out  as  a  well-finder.  He  cudden't  find  a 
goold  mine  f 'r  ye  but  he  cud  see  th'  bottom  iv 
wan  through  three  thousand  feet  iv  bullyon. 
He  can  peer  into  th'  most  blindin'  sunshine 


RISING  OF  THE  SUBJECT  RACES  53 

an'  see  th'  darkness  lurkin'  behind  it.  He's 
predicted  ivry  war  that  has  happened  in  our 
time  and  eight  thousand  that  haven't  hap- 
pened to  happen.  If  he  had  his  way  th' 
United  States  navy  wud  be  so  big  that  there 
wudden't  be  room  fr  a  young  fellow  to  row 
his  girl  in  Union  Park.  He  can  see  a  war 
cloud  where  I  can't  see  annything  but  some- 
body cookin'  his  dinner  or  lightin'  his  pipe. 
He'd  made  th'  gr-reat  foreign  iditor  an'  he'd 
be  fine  fr  th'  job  fr  he's  best  late  at  night. 
"Hogan  says  th'  time  has  come  fr  th' 
subjick  races  iv  th'  wurruld  to  rejooce  us 
fair  wans  to  their  own  complexion  be  batin' 
us  black  and  blue.  Up  to  now 'twas:  'Sam, 
ye  black  rascal,  tow  in  thim  eggs  or  I'll  throw 
ye  in  th'  fire.  '  Yassir,'  says  Sam.  '  Comin',' 
he  says.  'Twas:  'Wow  Chow,  while  ye'er 
idly  stewin'  me  cuffs  I'll  set  fire  to  me  unpaid 
bills.'  'I  wud  feel  repaid  be  a  kick,'  says 
Wow  Chow.  'Twas:  'Maharajah  Sewar, 
swing  th'  fan  swifter  or  I'll  have  to  roll  over 
fr  me  dog  whip.'  'Higgins  Sahib,'  says 
Maharajah  Sewar,  'Higgins  Sahib,  beloved 


54  MR.  DOOLEY 

iv  Gawd  an'  Kipling,  ye'er  punishments  ar-re 
th'  nourishment  iv  th'  faithful.  My  blood 
hath  served  thine  f'r  manny  ginerations.  At 
laste  two.  'Twas  thine  old  man  that  blacked 
my  father's  eye  an'  sint  my  uncle  up  f'r  eighty 
days.  How  will  ye'er  honor  have  th'  ac- 
cursed swine's  flesh  cooked  f'r  breakfast  in  th' 
mornin'  when  I'm  through  fannin'  ye  ? ' 

"But  now,  says  Hogan,  it's  all  changed. 
Iver  since  th'  Rooshyans  were  starved  out  at 
Port  Arthur  and  Portsmouth,  th'  wurrud  has 
passed  around  an'  ivry  naygur  fr'm  lemon 
color  to  coal  is  bracin'  up.  He  says  they 
have  aven  a  system  of  tilly-graftin'  that  bates 
ours  be  miles.  They  have  no  wires  or  poles 
or  wathered  stock  but  th'  population  is  so 
thick  that  whin  they  want  to  sind  wurrud 
along  th'  line  all  they  have  to  do  is  f'r  wan 
man  to  nudge  another  an'  something  happens 
in  Northern  Chiny  is  known  in  Southern 
Indya  befure  sunset.  And  so  it  passed 
through  th'  undherwurruld  that  th'  color 
line  was  not  to  be  dhrawn  anny  more,  an' 
Hogan  says  that  almost  anny  time  he  ix- 


RISING  OF  THE  SUBJECT  RACES   55 

picts  to  see  a  black  face  peerin'  through  a 
window  an'  in  a  few  years  I'll  be  takin'  in 
laundhry  in  a  basement  instead  iv  occypyin' 
me  present  impeeryal  position,  an'  ye'll  be 
settin'  in  front  iv  ye'er  cabin  home  playin' 
on  a  banjo  an'  watchin'  ye'er  little  pickahin- 
nissies  rollickin'  on  th'  ground  an'  wondhrn' 
whin  th'  lynchin'  party'll  arrive. 

"  That's  what  Hogan  says.  I  niver  knew 
th'  subjick  races  had  so  much  in  thim  befure. 
A  few  years  ago  I  had  no  more  thought  iv 
Japan  thin  I  have  iv  Dorgan's  cow.  I  ad- 
mire Dorgan's  cow.  It's  a  pretty  cow.  I 
have  often  leaned  on  th'  fence  an'  watched 
Dorgan  milkin'  his  cow.  Sometimes  I  won- 
dhered  in  a  kind  iv  smoky  way  why  as  good 
an'  large  a  cow  as  that  shud  let  a  little  man 
like  Dorgan  milk  her.  But  if  Dorgan's  cow 
shud  stand  up  on  her  hind  legs,  kick  over 
the  bucket,  chase  Dorgan  out  iv  th'  lot,  put 
on  a  khaki  unyform,  grab  hold  of  a  Mauser 
rifle  an'  begin  shootin'  at  me,  I  wudden't  be 
more  surprised  thin  I  am  at  th'  idee  iv  Japan 
bein'  wan  iv  th'  nations  iv  th'  wurruld. 


56  MR.  DOOLEY 

"I  don't  see  what  th'  subjick  races  got  to 
kick  about,  Hinnissy.  We've  been  awfully 
good  to  thira.  We  sint  thim  missionaries  to 
teach  thim  th'  error  iv  their  relligyon  an' 
nawthin'  cud  be  kinder  thin  that  fr  there's 
nawthin'  people  like  betther  thin  to  be  told 
that  their  parents  are  not  be  anny  means 
where  they  thought  they  were  but  in  a  far 
more  crowded  an'  excitin'  locality.  An' 
with  th'  missionaries  we  sint  sharpshooters 
that  cud  pick  off  a  Chinyman  beatin'  th'  con- 
tribution box  at  five  hundherd  yards.  We 
put  up  palashal  goluf-coorses  in  the  cimitries 
an'  what  was  wanst  th'  tomb  iv  Hung  Chang, 
th'  gr-reat  Tartar  Impror,  rose  to  th'  dignity 
iv  bein'  th'  bunker  guardin'  th'  fifth  green. 
No  Chinyman  cud  fail  to  be  pleased  at  seein' 
a  tall  Englishman  hittin'  th'  Chinyman's 
grandfather's  coffin  with  a  niblick.  We  sint 
explorers  up  th'  Nile  who  raypoorted  that  th' 
Ganzain  flows  into  th'  Oboo  just  above  Lake 
Mazap,  a  fact  that  th'  naygurs  had  known  fr 
a  long  time.  Th'  explorer  announces  that  he 
has  changed  th'  names  iv  these  wather-coorses 


RISING  OF  THE  SUBJECT  RACES  57 

to  Smith,  Blifkins  an'  Winkinson.  He 
wishes  to  deny  th'  infamyous  story  that  he 
iver  ate  a  native  alive.  But  wan  soon  suc- 
cumbs to  th'  customs  iv  a  counthry  an'  Sir 
Alfred  is  no  viggytaryan. 

"An'  now,  be  Hivin,  all  these  here  wretched 
millyons  that  we've  done  so  much  f'r  ar-re 
turnin'  on  us.  Th'  Japs  threaten  us  with 
war.  Th'  Chinese  won't  buy  shoes  fr'm  us  an' 
ar-re  chasin'  th'  missionaries  out  iv  their  cozy 
villas  an'  not  even  givin'  thim  a  chance  to 
carry  away  their  piannies  or  their  silverware. 
There's  th'  divvle  to  pay  all  along  th'  levee 
fr'm  Manchurya  to  Madagascar,  accordin'  to 
Hogan.  I  begin  to  feel  onaisy.  Th'  first 
thing  we  know  all  th'  other  subjick  races  will 
be  up.  Th'  horses  will  kick  an'  bite,  the  dogs 
will  fly  at  our  throats  whin  we  lick  thim,  th' 
fishes  will  refuse  to  be  caught,  th'  cattle  an' 
pigs  will  set  fire  to  th'  stock  yards  an'  there'll 
be  a  gineral  rebellyon  against  th'  white  man. 

"It's  no  laughin'  matther,  I  tell  ye.  A 
subjick  race  is  on'y  funny  whin  it's  raaly 
subjick.    About  three  years  ago  I  stopped 


58  MR.  DOOLEY 

laughin'  at  Jap'nese  jokes.  Ye  have  to  feel 
supeeryor  to  laugh  an'  I'm  gettin'  over  that 
feelin'.  An'  nawthin'  makes  a  man  so  mad 
an'  so  scared  as  whin  something  he  looked 
down  on  as  infeeryor  tur-rns  on  him.  If  a 
fellow  man  hits  him  he  hits  him  back.  But 
if  a  dog  bites  him  he  yells  'mad  dog'  an'  him 
an'  th'  neighbors  pound  th'  dog  to  pieces  with 
clubs.  If  th'  naygurs  down  South  iver  got 
together  an'  flew  at  their  masters  ye'd  hear 
no  more  coon  songs  f'r  awhile.  It's  our  con- 
ceit makes  us  supeeryor.  Take  it  out  iv  us 
an'  we  ar-re  about  th'  same  as  th'  rest. 

"I  wondher  what  we'd  do  if  all  thim  infeer- 
yor races  shud  come  at  us  together?"  said 
Mr.  Hennessy.  "  They're  enough  iv  thim  to 
swamp  us." 

"Well,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "I'd  have  to  go 
on  bein'  white  or,  to  speak  more  acc'rately, 
pink.  An'  annyhow  I  guess  they've  been 
infeeryor  too  long  to  change.  It's  got  to  be 
a  habit  with  thim." 


PANICS 

"Have  ye  taken  ye'er  money  out  iv  th' 
bank?  Are  ye  wan  iv  thim  impechuse  proo- 
letaryans  that  has  been  attackin'  th'  Giby- 
raltars  iv  fi-nance,  cow'rd  that  ye  are  to  want 
ye'er  money  in  a  hurry,  or  are  ye  not?  I  see 
be  th'  look  iv  ye'er  face  that  ye  are  not.  Ye 
have  been  a  brave  man;  ye  have  had  faith 
in  th'  future  iv  our  counthry;  ye  have  per- 
ceived that  our  financial  institutions  are 
sound  if  they  are  nawthin'  else.  Ye  undher- 
stand  that  it's  upon  th'  self-resthraint  iv  men 
like  th'  likes  iv  ye  that  th'  whole  credit  iv  th' 
nation  depinds.  I  read  it  in  the  pa-apers  an' 
'tis  thrue.  Besides,  ye  have  no  money  in  th' 
bank.  Th'  on'y  way  ye  or  me  cud  rightly 
exthricate  anny  money  fr'm  a  bank  wud  be 
be  means  iv  a  brace  an'  bit. 

"No  matther.  Tis  you  that  has  done  it. 
I  give  great  credit  to  George  B.  Cortilyoo, 
J.  Pierpont  Morgan,  Lord  Rothschild,  Jawn 

59 


60  MR.  DOOLEY 

D.  Rockyfellar,  th'  banks  iv  Ameriky,  th' 
clearing  house  comity,  th'  clearing  out  comity, 
an'  all  th'  brave  an'  gallant  fellows  that  have 
stood  firmly  with  their  backs  to  th'  wall  an' 
declared  that  anny  money  taken  out  iv  their 
institutions  wud  be  taken  over  their  dead 
bodies.  They  have  behaved  as  American 
gintlemen  shud  behave  whin  foorce  iv  cir- 
cumstances compels  thim  to  behave  that 
way.  But  if,  in  this  tur-rible  imergency  I 
am  obliged  to  tell  th'  truth,  I've  got  to  con- 
fess to  ye  that  th'  thanks  iv  th'  nation,  a 
little  bit  late,  but  very  corjal,  are  due  to  th' 
boys  that  niver  had  a  cent  in  th'  banks, 
an'  niver  will  have.  They  have  disturbed 
none  iv  our  institutions.  No  great  leader  iv 
fi-nance  has  turned  green  to  see  wan  iv  thim 
thryin'  to  do  th'  leap  f'r  life  through  a  closed 
payin'  teller's  window.  Th'  fellow  that  with 
wan  whack  iv  a  hammer  can  convart  a  steer 
into  an  autymobill  or  can  mannyfacther  a 
pearl  necklace  out  iv  two  dollars'  worth  iv 
wurruk  on  a  slag  pile,  has  throubled  no  wan. 
Ye're  th'  boy  in  this  imergency,  Hinnissy. 


PANICS  61 

"Th'  other  mornin'  I  was  readin'  th' 
pa-apers  about  th'  panic  in  Wall  Sthreet  an' 
though  I've  niver  seen  annything  all  me  life 
but  wan  continyal  panic  I  felt  low  in  me 
mind  ontil  I  looked  up  an'  see  ye  go  by  with 
ye'er  shovel  on  ye'er  shouldher  an'  me  heart 
leaped  up.  I  wanted  to  rush  to  th'  tilly graft 
office  and  wire  me  frind  J.  Pierpont  Morgan: 
'Don't  be  downcast.  It's  all  right.  I  just 
see  Hinnissy  go  by  with  his  shovel.' 

"No,  sir,  ye  can  bet  it  ain't  th'  people  that 
have  no  money  that  causes  panics.  Panics 
are  th'  result  iv  too  manny  people  havin' 
money.  Th'  top  iv  good  times  is  hard  times 
and  th'  bottom  iv  hard  times  is  good  times. 
Whin  I  see  wan  man  with  a  shovel  on  his 
shouldher  dodgin'  eight  thousand  autymobills 
I  begin  to  think  'tis  time  to  put  me  money  in 
me  boot. 

"'Tis  hard  f'r  me  to  undherstand  what's 
goin'  on,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy.  "What  does  it 
all  mean?" 

"'Tis  something  ye  wudden't  be  ixpected 
to  know,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.     "Tis  what  is 


62  MR.  DOOLEY 

known  as  credit.  I'll  explain  it  to  ye.  F'r 
the  sake  iv  argymint  we'll  say  ye're  a  shoe- 
maker. Oh,  'tis  on'y  f'r  th'  sake  iv  argy- 
mint. Iverywan  knows  that  a  burly  fellow 
like  you  wudden't  be  at  anny  employmint  as 
light  an'  effiminate  as  makin'  shoes.  But 
supposin'  f'r  th'  sake  iv  argymint  ye're  a 
shoemaker.  Ye  get  two  dollars  a  day  f'r 
makin'  forty  dollars'  worth  iv  shoes.  Ye 
take  part  of  ye'er  ill-gotten  gains  an'  leave  it 
with  me  f'r  dhrink.  Afther  awhile,  I  take  th' 
money  over  to  th'  shoe  store  an'  buy  wan  iv 
th'  pairs  iv  shoes  ye  made.  Th'  fellow  at  th' 
shoe  store  puts  th'  money  in  a  bank  owned 
be  ye'er  boss.  Ye'er  boss  sees  ye're  dhrinkin' 
a  good  deal  an'  be  th'  look  iv  things  th'  dis- 
tillery business  ought  to  improve.  So  he 
lends  th'  money  to  a  distiller.  Wan  day  th' 
banker  obsarves  that  ye've  taken  th'  pledge, 
an'  havin'  fears  f'r  th'  distilling  business,  he 
gets  his  money  back.  I  owe  th'  distiller 
money  an'  he  comes  to  me.  I  have  paid  out 
me  money  f'r  th'  shoes  an'  th'  shoe-store  man 
has  put  it  in  th'  bank.     He  goes  over  to  th' 


PANICS  63 

bank  to  get  it  out  an'  has  his  fingers  cut  off  in 
a  window.  An'  there  ye  are.  That's  credit. 
"I  niver  knew  befure  how  little  it  depinded 
on.  There's  Grogan  th'  banker.  He's  a 
great  man.  Look  at  his  bank.  It  looks  as 
though  an  earthquake  wudden't  nutter  it. 
It's  a  cross  between  an  armory  an'  a  jail.  It 
frowns  down  upon  th'  sthreet.  An'  Grogan. 
He  looks  as  solid  as  though  th'  columns  iv 
th'  building  was  quarried  out  iv  him.  See 
him  with  his  goold  watch  chain  clankin' 
again  th'  pearl  buttons  iv  his  vest.  He  niver 
give  me  much  more  thin  a  nod  out  iv  th' 
north-east  corner  iv  his  left  eyebrow,  but  he 
was  always  very  kind  an'  polite  to  Mulligan, 
th'  little  tailor.  Except  that  I  thought  he 
had  a  feelin'  iv  respect  f'r  me  an'  none  at  all 
f'r  Mulligan.  Th'  other  mornin'  I  see  him 
standin'  on  a  corner  near  th'  bank  as  Mulligan 
dashed  by  with  a  copy  iv  his  fav'rite  journal 
in  wan  hand  an'  a  pass  book  in  th'  other. 
'That  man  is  a  coward,'  says  Mulligan.  'Tis 
th'  likes  iv  him  that  desthroys  public  confi- 
dence,' says  he.     'He  must  've  been  brave  at 


64  MR.  DOOLEY 

wan  peeryod  iv  his  life/  says  I.  'Whin  was 
that?'  says  he.  'Whin  he  put  th'  money  in/ 
says  I.  'It's  th'  likes  iv  him  that  makes 
panics/  says  he.  'It's  th'  likes  iv  both  iv 
ye/  says  I.  'I  niver  see  such  team  wurruk/ 
says  I.  'That  bank  is  a  perfectly  solvint  in- 
stitution/ says  he.  'It's  as  sthrong  as  th' 
rock  of  Gibyraltar.  I'm  goin'  over  now  to 
close  it  up/  says  he.    An'  he  wint. 

"Well,  glory  be,  'tis  no  use  botherin'  our 
heads  about  it.  Panics  an'  circuses,  as  Father 
Kelly  says,  are  f 'r  th'  amusement  iv  th'  poor. 
An'  a  time  iv  this  kind  is  fine  f'r  ivrybody 
who  hasn't  too  much.  A  little  while  ago  ye 
niver  r-read  in  th'  pa-aper  annything  about 
th'  fellow  that  had  his  money  in  th'  bank 
anny  more  thin  ye'd  read  about  th'  spectators 
at  a  prize  fight.  'Twas  all  what  th'  joynts 
iv  fi-nance  were  doin'.  'Who's  that  man 
with  th'  plug  hat  just  comin'  out  iv  th' 
gamblin'  joint?'  'That's  th'  prisidint  iv  th' 
Eighth  Rational.'  'An'  who's  that  shakin' 
dice  at  th'  bar?'  'That's  th'  head  iv  our 
greatest  thrust  comp'ny.'    An'  so  it  wint. 


PANICS  65 

"  To-day  I  read  in  th'  pa-apers  an  appeal 
to  th'  good  sense  iv  Mulligan,  th'  tailor.  It 
didn't  mintion  his  name,  but  it  might  just  as 
well.  'Twas  th'  same  as  sayin':  'Now,  look 
here,  Mulligan,  me  brave  fellow.  Tis  up  to 
you  to  settle  this  whole  matther.  It's  got 
beyond  us  and  we  rely  on  ye  not  to  dump  us. 
We  lost  our  heads  but  a  man  iv  ye'er  carackter 
can't  afford  to  do  annything  rash  or  on- 
thinkin'  like  a  lot  iv  excitable  fi-nanceers. 
Ye  must  get  undher  th'  situation  at  wanst. 
We  appeal  to  th'  good  common  sense  th' 
pathritism,  th'  honor,  th'  manly  courage  an' 
th'  ca-mness  in  th'  face  iv  great  danger  iv 
Timothy  Mulligan  to  pull  us  out  iv  th'  hole. 
Regards  to  Mrs.  Mulligan  an'  all  th'  little 
wans.  Don't  answer  in  person  (signed) 
Jawn  D.  Rockyfellar.' 

"An'  iv  coorse  Mulligan'll  do  it.  Mulligan 
caused  th'  throuble  be  havin'  money  in  th' 
first  place  an'  takin'  it  out  in  th'  second  place. 
Mulligan  will  settle  it  all  be  carryin'  his 
money  back  to  th'  bank  where  money  be- 
longs. 


66  MR.  DOOLEY 

"  Don't  get  excited  about  it,  Hinnissy,  me 
boy.  Cheer  up.  'Twill  be  all  right  to- 
morrah,  or  th'  next  day,  or  some  time.  Tis 
wan  good  thing  about  this  here  wurruld,  that 
nawthin'  lasts  long  enough  to  hurt.  I  have 
been  through  manny  a  panic.  I  cud  handle 
wan  as  well  as  Morgan.  Panics  cause  thim- 
silves  an'  take  care  iv  thimsilves.  Who  do  I 
blame  for  this  wan?  Grogan  blamed  Rosen- 
felt  yesterday;  to-day  he  blames  Mulligan; 
to-morrah  he  won't  blame  anny  wan  an'  thin 
th'  panic  will  be  over.  I  blame  no  wan,  an'  I 
blame  ivry  wan.  All  I  say  to  ye  is,  be  brave, 
be  ca'm  an'  go  on  shovellin'.  So  long  as 
there's  a  Hinnissy  in  th'  wurruld,  an'  he  has 
a  shovel,  an'  there's  something  f'r  him  to 
shovel,  we'll  be  all  right,  or  pretty  near  all 
right." 

"Don't  ye  think  Rosenfelt  has  shaken 
public  confidence?"  asked  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"Shaken  it,"  said  Mr.  Dooley;  "I  think  he 
give  it  a  good  kick  just  as  it  jumped  off  th' 
roof." 


OCEAN  TRAVEL 

"I  see  this  here  new  steamboat  has  broke 
all  records.  It  come  acrost  th'  Atlantic 
Ocean  in  four  days.  Passengers  that  got 
aboord  at  Liverpool  on  Saturday  were  in 
New  York  Friday  afthernoon." 
"But  that's  more  thin  four  days." 
"Not  be  nautical  time,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 
"Ye  mustn't  figure  it  out  th'  way  ye  do  on 
land.  On  land  ye  niver  read  that  'Th'  Thun- 
derbolt limited  has  broken  all  records  be 
thravellin'  fr'm  New  York  (Harrisburg)  to 
Chicago  (Fort  Wayne)  in  eight  hours.'  But 
with  a  steamboat  'tis  different.  Ye  saw  a 
lot  iv  time  off  ayether  end  an'  what's  left  is 
th'  v'yage.  '  Th'  Conyard  line's  gr-reat  ocean 
greyhound  or  levithin  iv  th'  seas  has  broken 
all  records  iv  transatlantic  passages  except 
thim  made  be  th'  Germans.  She  has  trav- 
elled fr'm  Liverpool  (a  rock  so  far  off  th'  coast 

67 


68  MR.  DOOLEY 

iv  Ireland  that  I  niver  see  it)  to  New  York 
(Sandy  Hook  lightship)  in  four  or  five  days. 
Brittanya  again  rules  th'  waves.'  So  if  ye've 
anny  frinds  inclined  to  boast  about  makin'  a 
record  ask  thim  did  they  swim  aboord  at 
Daunt's  Rock  an'  swim  off  at  th'  lightship. 
If  they  didn't,  refuse  to  take  off  ye'er  hat  to 
thim.  To  tell  how  long  it  takes  to  cross  th' 
Atlantic  compute  th'  elapsed  time  fr'm 
boordin'  house  to  boordin'  house.  It's  fr'm 
a  week  to  ten  days  depindin'  on  th'  time  ye  go 
to  bed  whin  ye  come  home.  Manny  a  man 
that  come  over  on  a  five-day  boat  has  had  th' 
divvle  iv  a  time  explainin'  to  his  wife  what  he 
did  with  th'  other  two  days.  No  record  iv 
thransatlantic  thravel  takes  into  account  th' 
longest,  roughest  an'  most  dangerous  part  iv 
th'  passage,  which  is  through  th'  New  York 
custom  house. 

"But  'tis  wondherful  annyhow.  'Tis  won- 
dherful  that  a  man  shud  cross  th'  Atlantic 
ocean  annyhow  an'  'tis  enough  to  make  ye 
dizzy  to  think  iv  him  crossin'  it  in  an  iron 
boat  that  looks  like  a  row  iv  office  buildings. 


OCEAN  TRAVEL  69 

Th'  grand  times  they  must've  had.  Time 
was  whin  a  man  got  on  a  boat  an'  was  lost  f'r 
a  week  or  ten  days.  Now,  be  hivens,  through 
th'  wondhers  iv  modhern  science  he's  hardly 
settled  down  to  a  cigar  an'  a  game  iv  pinochle 
with  another  fugitive  that  he's  just  met, 
whin  a  messenger  boy  comes  down  th'  deck 
on  his  bicycle  an'  hands  him  a  tillygram  with 
glad  tidings  fr'm  home.  Th'  house  is  burned, 
th'  sheriff  has  levied  on  his  furniture  or  th' 
fam'ly  are  down  with  th'  whoopin'  cough. 
On  th'  other  hand  we  know  all  about  what 
thev  are  doin'  on  boord  th'  levithin.  Just  as 
ye'er  wife  is  thinkin'  iv  ye  bein'  wrecked  on  a 
desert  island  or  floatin'  on  a  raft  an'  signallin' 
with  an  undershirt  she  picks  up  th'  pa-aper 
an'  reads:  'Th'  life  iv  th'  ship  is  Malachi  Hin- 
nissy,  a  wealthy  bachelor  fr'm  Pittsburg. 
His  attintions  to  a  widow  from  Omaha  are 
most  marked.  They  make  a  handsome 
couple.' 

"Well,  sir,  they  must  've  had  th'  gloryus 
time  on  boord  this  new  boat.  In  th'  old  days 
all  ye  knew  about  a  ship  was  that  she  left 


70  MR.  DOOLEY 

Liverpool  and  landed  in  New  York  afther 
a  most  disthressin'  v'yage.  Now  ye  r-read  iv 
th'  gay  life  aboord  her  fr'm  day  to  day:  'Th' 
tie  in  th'  billyard  tournymint  was  played 
off  last  night.  Th'  resthrants  are  crowded 
nightly  an'  great  throngs  are  seen  in  Main 
Sthreet  undher  th'  brilliant  illuminations. 
Th'  public  gardens  are  in  full  bloom  an'  are 
much  frequented  be  childher  rollin'  hoops 
and  sailin'  boats  in  th'  artificial  lake.  Th' 
autymobill  speedway  gives  gr-reat  satisfac- 
tion. Th'  opening  day  iv  th'  steeplechase 
races  was  a  success.  Th'  ilivator  in  th'  left 
annex  fell  thirteen  stories  Thursday,  but  no 
wan  was  injured.  Th'  brokerage  house  iv 
Conem  an'  Comp'ny  wint  into  th'  hands  iv  a 
receiver  to-day.  Th'  failure  was  due  to  th' 
refusal  iv  th'  banks  to  lend  anny  more  money 
on  hat  pools.  Th'  steeple  iv  th'  Sweden- 
borjan  Church  is  undher  repair.  Th'  Daily 
Fog  Horn  has  put  in  three  new  color  presses 
an'  will  begin  printin'  a  colored  supplement 
Sunday  next.'  An'  so  it  goes.  It  ain't  a 
boat  at  all.     It's  a  city. 


OCEAN  TRAVEL  71 

"At  laste  I  thought  it  was  but  Hannigan 
that  come  over  in  it  says  it's  a  boat.  'Ye 
must've  had  a  grand  time,'  says  I,  'in  this 
floatin'  palace,  atin'  ye'er  fill  iv  sumchuse 
food  an'  gazin'  at  th'  beautifully  jooled  ladies,' 
says  I.  'Ah,'  says  I,  'th'  wondhers  iv  science 
that  cud  put  together  a  conthrivance  th'  like 
iv  that,'  says  I.  'It's  a  boat,'  says  he. 
'That's  th'  best  I  can  say  about  it,'  says  he. 
'Did  ye  not  glide  noiselessly  through  th' 
wather?'  says  I?  'I  did  not,'  says  he. 
'Diwle  th'  glide.  We  bumped  along  pretty 
fast  an'  th'  injines  made  noises  like  injines 
an'  th'  ship  creaked  like  anny  ship.'  'An' 
wasn't  th'  food  fine?'  'It  depinded  on  th' 
weather.  There  was  plenty  iv  it  on  good 
days,  an'  too  much  iv  it  on  other  days.'  '  An' 
th'  beautifully  jooled  ladies? '  '  No  wan  knew 
whether  th'  ladies  were  beautifully  jooled  ex- 
cept th'  lady  that  searched  thim  at  th'  cus- 
tom house. 

"  'Don't  ye  make  a  mistake,  Dooley, '  says 
he.  'A  boat's  a  boat.  That's  all  it  is. 
Annything  ye  can  get  at  sea  ye  can  get  bet- 


72  MR.  DOOLEY 

ther  on  land.  A  millyonaire  is  made  as  com- 
fortable on  an  ocean  liner  as  a  longshoreman 
on  earth  an'  ye  can  play  that  comparison  all 
th'  way  down  to  th'  steerage.  Whin  I  read 
about  this  here  floatin'  palace  I  says  to  mesilf : 
"I'll  add  a  little  money  and  go  acrost  in  ory- 
ental  luxury. ' '  Whin  I  got  aboord  th'  decks 
were  crowded  with  happy  people  worryin' 
about  their  baggage  an'  wondherin'  already 
whether  th'  inspector  in  New  York  wud  get 
onto  th'  false  bottom  iv  th'  thrunks.  I  give 
th'  old  an'  enfeebled  English  gintleman  that 
carried  me  satchel  a  piece  iv  silver.  He 
touched  his  cap  to  me  an'  says  "Cue."  "Cue" 
is  th'  English  f'r  "I  thank  ye  kindly"  in  Irish. 
He  carrid  me  bag  downstairs  in  th'  ship.  We 
kept  goin'  down  an'  down  till  we  touched 
bottom,  thin  we  rambled  through  long  lanes 
neatly  decorated  with  steel  girders  till  we 
come  to  a  dent  in  th'  keel.  That  was  me 
boodoor.  At  laste  part  iv  it  was.  There 
were  two  handsome  berths  in  it  an'  I  had  th' 
top  wan.  Th'  lower  wan  was  already  occy- 
pied  be  a  gintleman  that  had  started  to  feel 


OCEAN  TRAVEL  73 

onaisy  on  th'  way  down  f'm  London  an'  was 
now  prepared  f'r  th'  worst.  I  left  him  to  his 
grief  an'  wint  up  on  th'  roof  iv  th'  ship. 

"  'It  was  a  gay  scene  f'r  th'  boat  had  started. 
Long  rows  iv  ladies  were  stretched  on  invalid 
chairs  with  shawls  over  thim,  pretindin'  to 
read  an'  takin'  deep  smells  at  little  gre^n 
bottles.  Three  or  four  hundherd  men  had 
begun  to  walk  around  th'  ship  with  their 
hands  folded  behind  thim.  A  poker  game 
between  four  rale  poker  players  an'  a  man 
that  didn't  know  th'  game  but  had  sharp 
finger-nails  was  already  started  in  th'  smokin'- 
room.  About  that  time  I  begun  to  have  a 
quare  sinsation.  I  haven't  been  able  to  find 
out  yet  what  it  was.  I  must  ask  Dock 
O'Leary.  I  wasn't  sea-sick,  mind  ye.  I'm 
a  good  sailor.  But  I  had  a  funny  feelin'  in 
me  forehead  between  me  eyes.  It  wasn't  a 
headache  exactly  but  a  kind  iv  a  sthrange 
sinsation  like  I  used  to  have  whin  I  was  a  boy 
an'  thried  to  look  cross-eyed.  I  suppose  it  was 
th'  strong  light.  I  didn't  have  anny  aver- 
sion to  food.     Not  at  all.     But  somehow  I 


74  MR.  DOOLEY 

didn't  like  th'  smell  iv  food.  It  was  dis- 
agreeable to  me  an'  it  seemed  to  make  th' 
place  in  me  head  worse.  Sivral  times  I  wint 
to  th'  dinin'-room  intindin'  to  jine  th'  jovyal 
comp'ny  there  but  quit  at  th'  dure.  It  was 
very  sthrange.  I  don't  know  how  to  account 
f'r  it.  Very  few  people  were  sea-sick  on  th' 
v'yage,  but  sivral  hundherd  who  were  in- 
jyin'  paddlin'  a  spoon  in  a  cup  iv  beef  tea  on 
deck  spoke  iv  havin'  th'  same  sinsation.  I 
didn't  speak  iv  it  to  th'  ship's  doctor.  I'd  as 
lave  carry  me  ailments  to  a  harness  maker 
as  to  a  ship's  doctor.  But  there  it  was,  an' 
fr'm  me  pint  iv  view  it  was  th'  most  important 
ivint  iv  th'  passage. 

"Next  to  that  th'  most  excitin'  thing  was 
thryin'  to  find  annybody  that  wud  take 
money  fr'm  me.  It's  a  tur-rble  awkward 
thing  to  have  to  force  money  on  an  English- 
man in  a  uniform  like  an  admiral's  an'  talkin' 
with  an  accent  that  manny  iv  th'  finest  people 
on  th'  deck  were  thryin'  to  imitate,  but  I 
schooled  mesilf  to  it.  An'  sthrange  to  say 
they  niver  refused.    They  were  even  betther 


OCEAN  TRAVEL  75 

thin  that.  I  was  lavin'  th'  ship  whin  th' 
fellow  that  pulled  th'  plug  out  iv  th'  other 
man's  bath  f  'r  me  touched  me  on  th'  shoulder. 
I  turned  an'  see  a  frindly  gleam  in  his  eye 
that  made  me  wondher  if  he  had  a  knife.  I 
give  him  what  they  call  five  bobs  over  there, 
which  is  wan  dollar  an'  twinty  cints  iv  our 
money.  He  touched  his  cap  an'  says  "Cue." 
I  was  greatly  moved.  But  it's  done  wan 
thing  f'r  me.  It's  made  me  competint  f'r 
anny  office  connected  with  th'  legal  depart- 
mint  iv  a  sthreet  railway.  Be  hivens,  I  cud 
hand  a  piece  iv  change  to  a  judge  iv  th'  su- 
preem  coort.  I  hear  th'  Conyard  line  has 
passed  a  dividend.  They  ought  to  make  a 
merger  with  th'  head  stoort/  says  he. 

"An'  there  ye  ar-re.  A  boat's  a  boat  aven 
whin  it  looks  like  a  hotel.  But  it's  wondher- 
ful  annyhow.  Whin  ye  come  to  think  iv  it 
'tis  wondherful  that  anny  man  cud  cross  th' 
Atlantic  in  annything.  Th'  Atlantic  Ocean 
is  a  fine  body  iv  wather,  but  it's  a  body  iv 
wather  just  th'  same.  It  wasn't  intinded  to 
be  thravelled  on.    Ye  cud  put  ye'er  foot 


76  MR.  DOOLEY 

through  it  annywhere.  It's  sloppy  goin'  at 
best.  Th'  on'y  time  a  human  being  can  float 
in  it  is  afther  he's  dead.  A  man  throws  a 
horseshoe  into  it  an'  th'  horseshoe  sinks. 
This  makes  him  cross  an'  he  builds  a  boat  iv 
th'  same  mateeryal  as  a  millyon  horseshoes, 
loads  it  up  with  machinery,  pushes  it  out  on 
th'  billows  an'  goes  larkin'  acrost  thim  as 
aisy  as  ye  plaze.  If  he  didn't  go  over  on  a 
large  steel  skyscraper  he'd  take  a  dure  off  its 
hinges  an'  go  on  that. 

"All  ye  have  to  do  is  to  tell  him  there's 
land  on  th'  other  side  iv  th'  ragin'  flood  an' 
he'll  say:  'All  right,  I'll  take  a  look  at  it.' 
Ye  talk  about  th'  majesty  iv  th'  ocean  but 
what  about  th'  majesty  iv  this  here  little 
sixty-eight  be  eighteen  inches  bump  iv  self- 
reliance  that  treats  it  like  th'  dirt  undher  his 
feet?  It's  a  wondher  to  me  that  th'  ocean 
don't  get  tired  iv  growlin'  an'  roarin'  at  th' 
race  iv  men.  They  don't  pay  anny  heed  to 
it's  hollering.  Whin  it  behaves  itsilf  they 
praise  it  as  though  it  was  a  good  dog.  '  How 
lovely  our  ocean  looks  undher  our  moon.' 


OCEAN  TRAVEL  77 

Whin  it  rises  in  its  wrath  they  show  their  con- 
timpt  Pr  it  be  bein'  sea-sick  into  it.  But  no 
matther  how  it  behaves  they  niver  quit  usin' 
its  face  f'r  a  right  iv  way.  They'll  niver 
subjoo  it  but  it  niver  bates  thim.  There 
niver  was  a  time  in  th'  history  iv  little  man's 
sthruggle  with  th'  vasty  deep  that  he  didn't 
deserve  a  decision  on  points." 

"Well,  it's  all  very  well,  but  f'r  me  th' 
dhry  land,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy.  "Will  ye 
iver  cross  th'  ocean  again?" 

"Not,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "till  they  asphalt 
it  an'  run  th'  boats  on  throlleys." 


WORK 

"Ye  haven't  sthruck  yet,  have  ye?"  said 
Mr.  Dooley. 

"Not  yet,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy.  "But  th' 
dillygate  was  up  at  th'  mills  to-day  an'  we 
may  be  called  out  anny  minyit  now." 

"Will  ye  go?"  asked  Mr.  Dooley. 

"Ye  bet  I  will,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy.  "Ye 
just  bet  I  will.  I  stand  firm  be  union  princi- 
ples an'  besides  it's  hot  as  blazes  up  there 
these  days.  I  wudden't  mind  havin'  a  few 
weeks  off." 

"Ye'll  do  right  to  quit,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 
"I  have  no  sympathy  with  sthrikers.  I 
have  no  sympathy  with  thim  anny  more  thin 
I  have  with  people  goin'  off  to  a  picnic.  A 
sthrike  is  a  wurrukin'  man's  vacation.  If  I 
had  to  be  wan  iv  thim  horny-handed  sons  iv 
toil,  th'  men  that  have  made  our  counthry 

78 


WORK  79 

what  it  is  an'  creates  th'  wealth  iv  th'  wurruld 
— if  I  had  to  be  wan  iv  thim  pillars  iv  th'  con- 
stitution, which  thank  Gawd  I  haven't,  'tis 
sthrikin'  I'd  be  all  th'  time  durin'  th'  heated 
term.  I'd  begin  sthrikin'  whin  th'  flowers 
begin  to  bloom  in  th'  parks,  an'  I'd  stay  on 
sthrike  till  'twas  too  cold  to  sit  out  on  th' 
bleachers  at  th'  baseball  park.    Ye  bet  I  wud. 

"I've  noticed  that  nearly  all  sthrikes  occur 
in  th'  summer  time.  Sthrikes  come  in  th' 
summer  time  an'  lockouts  in  th'  winter.  In 
th'  summer  whin  th'  soft  breezes  blows 
through  shop  an'  facthry,  fannin'  th'  cheeks 
iv  th'  artisan  an'  settin'  fire  to  his  whiskers, 
whin  th'  main  guy  is  off  at  th'  seashore  bein' 
pinched  f'r  exceedin'  th'  speed  limit,  whin  'tis 
comfortable  to  sleep  out  at  nights  an'  th'  Sox 
have  started  a  batting  sthreak,  th'  son  iv 
Marthy,  as  me  frind  Roodyard  Kipling  calls 
him,  begins  to  think  iv  th'  rights  iv  labor. 

"Th'  more  he  looks  out  iv  th'  window, 
th'  more  he  thinks  about  his  rights,  an'  wan 
warm  day  he  heaves  a  couplin'  pin  at  th'  boss 
an'  saunters  away.     Sthrikes  are  a  great  evil 


80  MR.  DOOLEY 

f'r  th'  wurrukin'  man,  but  so  are  picnics  an'  he 
acts  th'  same  at  both.  There's  th'  same  not 
gettin'  up  till  ye  want  to,  th'  same  meetin' 
ye'er  frinds  f'r  th'  first  time  in  their  good 
clothes  an'  th'  same  thumpin'  sthrangers  over 
th'  head  with  a  brick.  Afther  awhile  th' 
main  guy  comes  home  fr'm  th'  seaside,  raises 
wages  twinty  per  cent,  fires  th'  boss  an'  takes 
in  th'  walkin'  dillygate  as  a  specyal  partner. 

"But  in  winter,  what  Hogan  calls  another 
flower  iv  our  industhreel  system  blooms.  In 
th'  winter  it's  warmer  in  th'  foundhry  thin 
in  th'  home.  There  is  no  hearth  as  ample  in 
anny  man's  home  as  th'  hearth  th'  Steel 
Comp'ny  does  its  cookin'  by.  It  is  pleasant 
to  see  th'  citizen  afther  th'  rigors  iv  a  night 
at  home  hurryin'  to  th'  mills  to  toast  his 
numbed  limbs  in  th'  warm  glow  iv  th'  Besse- 
mer furnace.  About  this  time  th'  main  guy 
takes  a  look  at  the  thermometer  an'  chases  th' 
specyal  partner  out  iv  th'  office  with  th'  an- 
nual report  iv  th'  Civic  Featheration.  He 
thin  summons  his  hardy  assocyates  about  him 
an'  says  he:  'Boys,  I  will  no  longer  stand  f'r 


WORK  81 

th'  tyranny  iv  th'  unions.  Conditions  has 
changed  since  last  summer.  It's  grown  much 
colder.  I  do  not  care  f'r  the  money  at  stake, 
but  there  is  a  great  principle  involved.  I 
cannot  consint  to  have  me  business  run  be 
outsiders  at  a  cost  iv  near  thirty  thousand 
dollars  a  year/  says  he.  An'  there's  a 
lockout. 

"'Tis  a  matther  iv  th'  seasons.  So  if  ye 
sthrike  ye'll  not  get  me  sympathy.  I  re- 
sarve  that  f'r  me  infeeryors.  I'll  keep  me 
sympathy  f'r  th'  poor  fellow  that  has  no- 
body to  lure  him  away  fr'm  his  toil  an'  that 
has  to  sweat  through  August  with  no  chanst 
iv  gettin'  a  day  in  th'  open  onless  th'  milishy 
are  ordhered  out  an'  thin  whin  he  goes  back 
to  wurruk  th'  chances  are  somebody's  got  his 
job  while  th'  sthrikin'  wurrukin'  man  returns 
with  his  pockets  full  iv  cigars  an'  is  hugged 
at  th'  dure  be  the  main  guy.  If  I  was  re- 
jooced  to  wurrukin'  f'r  me  livin',  if  I  was  a 
son  iv  Marthy  I'd  be  a  bricklayer.  They 
always  sthrike  durin'  th'  buildin'  season. 
They  time  it  just  right.    They  niver  quit 


82  MR.  DOOLEY 

wurruk.  They  thry  not  to  meet  it.  It  is 
what  Hogan  calls  a  pecolyar  fact  that  brick- 
layers always  time  their  vacations  f'r  th' 
peeryod  whin  there  is  wurruk  to  be  done. 

"No,  sir;  don't  ask  me  to  weep  over  th' 
downthrodden  wurrukin'  man  whin  he's  out 
on  sthrike.  Ye  take  these  here  tillygraft 
op'rators  that  have  laid  off  wurruk  f'r  th' 
summer.  Do  they  look  as  though  they  were 
sufferin'?  Ye  bet  they  don't.  Th' tired  tilly- 
graft op'rator  come  home  last  week  with  a 
smile  on  his  face.  'I  have  good  news  f'r  ye, 
mother/  says  he.  'Ye  haven't  sthruck?' 
says  she,  hope  sthrugglin'  with  fear  in  her 
face.  'Ye've  guessed  it,'  says  he.  'We 
weren't  exactly  ordhered  out.  Th'  signal  f'r 
a  sthrike  was  to  be  a  series  iv  sharp  whistles 
fr'm  the  walkin'  dillygate,  but,  whin  that 
didn't  come  an'  we  were  tired  iv  waitin'  th' 
report  iv  th'  baseball  game  come  over  th' 
wires  an'  we  mistook  that  f'r  a  signal.  Ye 
must  get  the  childher  ready  f'r  a  day  in  th' 
counthry.  We  can't  tell  how  soon  this 
sthruggle  again  th'  greed  iv  capital  will  be 


WORK  83 

declared  off  an'  we  must  make  th'  most  iv  it 
while  it  lasts/  says  he. 

"I  know  a  tillygraft  op'rator,  wan  iv  thim 
knights  iv  th'  key  that  has  a  fine  job  in  a 
counthry  deepo.  All  he  has  to  do  is  to  be 
up  in  time  to  flag  number  eight  at  six  o'clock 
an'  wait  till  number  thirty-two  goes  through 
at  midnight,  keep  thrains  fr'm  bumpin'  into 
each  other,  turn  switches,  put  up  th'  sima- 
phore,  clean  th'  lamps  an'  hand  out  time 
tables  an'  sell  tickets.  F'r  these  dissypa- 
tions  he  dhraws  down  all  th'  way  fr'm 
fifteen  to  twinty  dollars  a  week.  An'  he 
wants  to  sthrike.  An'  th'  pa-apers  say  if  he 
does  he'll  tie  up  our  impeeryal  railroad  sys- 
tems. Think  iv  that,  I  never  had  much  iv 
an  opinyon  iv  him.  All  he  iver  done  f'r  me 
was  to  misspell  me  name.  He's  a  little  thin 
man  that  cudden't  lift  an  eighth  iv  beer  with 
both  hands,  but  he's  that  important  if  he 
leaps  his  job  we'll  all  have  to  walk. 

"I've  often  thought  I'd  like  to  have  th' 
walkin'  dillygate  iv  th'  Liquor  Dealers'  Bi- 
nivolent  Assocyation  come  around  an'  ordher 


84  MR.  DOOLEY 

me  to  lay  down  me  lemon  squeezer  an'  bung 
starter  an'  walk  out.  But  nawthin'  iv  th' 
kind  iver  happens  an'  if  it  did  happen  no  wan 
wud  care  a  sthraw.  Th'  whole  wurruld  shud- 
dhers  at  th'  thought  that  me  frind  Ike  Simp- 
son, the  tillygraft  op'rator,  may  take  a  day 
off:  but  me  or  Pierpont  Morgan  might  quit 
Pr  a  year  an'  no  wan  wud  care.  Supposin' 
Rockyfellar  an'  Pierpont  Morgan  an'  Jim 
Hill  shud  form  a  union,  an'  shud  demand 
a  raise  iv  a  millyon  dollars  a  year,  reduc- 
tion iv  wurrukin'  time  fr'm  two  to  wan  hour 
ivry  week,  th'  closed  shop,  two  apprentices 
f'r  each  bank  an'  no  wan  allowed  to  make 
money  onless  he  cud  show  a  union  card? 
Whin  th'  sthrike  comity  waited  on  us  we'd 
hoist  our  feet  on  th'  kitchen  table,  light  a  see- 
gar,  polish  our  bone  collar  button  with  th' 
sleeve  iv  our  flannel  shirt  an'  till  thim  to  go 
to  Bannagher. 

"We'd  say:  'Ye'er  demands  are  onraison- 
able  an'  we  will  not  submit.  F'r  years  we 
have  run  th'  shop  almost  at  a  loss.  There  are 
plenty  iv  men  to  take  ye'er  places.  They  may 


WORK  85 

not  be  as  efficient  at  first  but  they'll  soon 
larn.  Ye'er  demands  are  refused  an'  ye  can 
bang  th'  dure  afther  ye.'  A  fine  chanct  a 
millyonaire  wud  have  thryin'  to  persuade  ye 
be  peaceful  means  fr'm  takin'  his  job.  Think 
iv  him  on  th'  dead  line  thryin'  to  coax  ye  not 
to  go  in  but  to  stand  by  him  as  he  would  sit 
on  ye  if  you  were  in  th'  same  position.  Wud 
ye  or  wud  ye  not  lave  ye'er  coat  in  his  hands 
as  ye  plunged  in  th'  bank?  They'd  have  to 
resort  to  vilence.  Th'  stock  exchange  wud 
go  out  in  sympathy.  Th'  milishy  wud  be 
called  out  an'  afther  awhile  th'  financeers 
wud  come  back  with  their  hats  in  their  hands 
an'  find  their  old  places  took  be  other  men. 

"No,  sir,  a  sthrike  iv  financeers  wudden't 
worry  army  wan.  'Tis  a  sthrange  thing  whin 
we  come  to  think  iv  it  that  th'  less  money  a 
man  gets  f 'r  his  wurruk,  th'  more  nicissry  it  is 
to  th'  wurruld  that  he  shud  go  on  wurrukin'. 
Ye'er  boss  can  go  to  Paris  on  a  combination 
wedding  an'  divoorce  thrip  an'  no  wan  bothers 
his  head  about  him.  But  if  ye  shud  go  to 
Paris — excuse  me  f'r  laughin'  mesilf  black  in 


86  MR.  DOOLEY 

th'  face — th'  industhrees  iv  the  counthry 
pines  away. 

"An'  th'  higher  up  a  man  regards  his 
wurruk,  th'  less  it  amounts  to.  We  cud 
manage  to  scrape  along  without  electhrical 
injineers  but  we'd  have  a  divvle  iv  a  time 
without  scavengers.  Ye  look  down  on  th' 
fellow  that  dhrives  th'  dump  cart,  but  if  it 
wasn't  f'r  him  ye'd  niver  be  able  to  pursoo 
ye'er  honorable  mechanical  profissyon  iv 
pushin'  th'  barrow.  Whin  Andhrew  Carnagie 
quit,  ye  wint  on  wurrukin';  if  ye  quit 
wurruk,  he'll  have  to  come  back.  P'raps 
that's  th'  reason  th'  wurrukin'  man  don't 
get  more  iv  thim  little  pictures  iv  a  buffalo  in 
his  pay  envelope  iv  a  Saturdah  night.  If  he 
got  more  money  he  wud  do  less  wurruk.  He 
has  to  be  kept  in  thrainin'. 

"Th'  way  to  make  a  man  useful  to  th' 
wurruld  is  to  give  him  a  little  money  an'  a  lot 
iv  wurruk.  An'  'tis  th'  on'y  way  to  make 
him  happy,  too.  I  don't  mean  coarse, 
mateeryal  happiness  like  private  yachts  an' 
autymobills  an'  rich  food  an'  other  corrodin' 


WORK  87 

pleasures.  I  mean  something  entirely  dif- 
f'rent.  I  don't  know  what  I  mean  but  I  see 
in  th'  pa-apers  th'  other  day  that  th'  on'y 
road  to  happiness  was  hard  wurruk.  Tis  a 
good  theery.  Some  day  I'm  goin'  to  hire  a 
hall  an'  preach  it  in  Newport.  I  wudden't 
mintion  it  in  Ar-rchy  Road  where  wurruk 
abounds.  I  don't  want  to  be  run  in  f'r  in- 
citin'  a  riot. 

"This  pa-aper  says  th'  farmer  niver 
sthrikes.  He  hasn't  got  th'  time  to.  He's 
too  happy.  A  farmer  is  continted  with  his 
ten-acre  lot.  There's  nawthin'  to  take  his 
mind  off  his  wurruk.  He  sleeps  at  night  with 
his  nose  against  th'  shingled  roof  iv  his  little 
frame  home  an'  dhreams  iv  cinch  bugs. 
While  th'  stars  are  still  alight  he  walks  in  his 
sleep  to  wake  th'  cow  that  left  th'  call  f'r  four 
o'clock.  Thin  it's  ho!  f'r  feedin'  th'  pigs  an' 
mendin'  th'  reaper.  Th'  sun  arises  as  usual 
in  th'  east  an'  bein'  a  keen  student  iv  nature, 
he  picks  a  cabbage  leaf  to  put  in  his  hat. 
Breakfast  follows,  a  gay  meal  beginnin'  at 
nine  an'  endin'  at  nine-three.     Thin  it's  off 


88  MR.  DOOLEY 

f'r  th'  fields  where  all  day  he  sets  on  a 
bicycle  seat  an'  reaps  the  bearded  grain  an' 
th'  Hessian  fly,  with  nawthin'  but  his  own 
thoughts  an'  a  couple  iv  horses  to  commune 
with.  An'  so  he  goes  an'  he's  happy  th' 
livelong  day  if  ye  don't  get  in  ear-shot  iv 
him.  In  winter  he  is  employed  keepin'  th' 
cattle  fr'm  sufferin'  his  own  fate  an'  writ- 
in'  testymonyals  iv  dyspepsia  cures.  'Tis 
sthrange  I  niver  heerd  a  farmer  whistle  ex- 
cept on  Sunday. 

"No,  sir,  ye  can't  tell  me  that  a  good  deal 
iv  wurruk  is  good  f'r  anny  man.  A  little 
wurruk  is  not  bad,  a  little  wurruk  f'r  th' 
stomach's  sake  an'  to  make  ye  sleep  sound, 
a  kind  of  nightcap,  d'ye  mind.  But  a  gr-reat 
deal  iv  wurruk,  especially  in  th'  summer 
time,  will  hurt  anny  man  that  indulges  in  it. 
So,  though  I  don't  sympathize  with  sthrikers, 
I  congratulate  thim.  Sthrike,  says  I,  while 
the  iron  is  hot  an'  ye'er  most  needed  to  pound 
it  into  a  horseshoe.  An'  especially  wud  I 
advise  ivrybody  to  sthrike  whin  th'  weather 
is  hot." 


DRUGS 

"What  ails  ye?"  asked  Mr.  Dooley  of  Mr. 
Hennessy,  who  looked  dejected. 

"I'm  a  sick  man,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy. 

" Since  th'  picnic?" 

"Now  that  I  come  to  think  iv  it,  it  did 
begin  th'  day  afther  th'  picnic,"  said  Mr. 
Hennessy.  "I've  been  to  see  Dock  O'Leary. 
He  give  me  this  an'  these  here  pills  an'  some 
powdhers  besides.  An'  d'ye  know,  though  I 
haven't  taken  anny  iv  thim  yet,  I  feel  betther 
already." 

"Well,  sir,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "'tis  a  grand 
thing  to  be  a  doctor.  A  man  that's  a  doctor 
don't  have  to  buy  anny  funny  papers  to  enjye 
life.  Th'  likes  iv  ye  goes  to  a  picnic  an'  has 
a  pleasant,  peaceful  day  in  th'  counthry 
dancin'  breakdowns  an'  kickin'  a  football  in 
th'  sun  an'  ivry  fifteen  minyits  or  so  washin' 

89 


90  MR.  DOOLEY 

down  a  couple  of  dill-pickles  with  a  bottle  of 
white  pop.  Th'  next  day  ye  get  what's 
comin'  to  ye  in  th'  right  place  an'  bein'  a 
sthrong,  hearty  man  that  cudden't  be  kilt  be 
annything  less  thin  a  safe  fallin'  on  ye  fr'm  a 
twenty-story  buildin',  ye  know  ye  ar-re  goin' 
to  die.  Th'  good  woman  advises  a  mustard 
plasther  but  ye  scorn  th'  suggestion.  What 
good  wud  a  mustard  plasther  be  again  this 
fatal  epidemic  that  is  ragin'  inside  iv  ye? 
Besides  a  mustard  plasther  wud  hurt.  So  th' 
good  woman,  frivilous  crather  that  she  is, 
goes  back  to  her  wurruk  singin'  a  light  chune. 
She  knows  she's  goin'  to  have  to  put  up  with 
ye  f'r  some  time  to  come.  A  mustard 
plasther,  Hinnissy,  is  th'  rale  test  iv  whether 
a  pain  is  goin'  to  kill  ye  or  not.  If  the 
plasther  is  onbearable  ye  can  bet  th'  pain 
undherneath  it  is  not. 

"But  ye  know  ye  are  goin'  to  die  an'  ye're 
not  sure  whether  ye'll  send  f'r  Father  Kelly 
or  th'  doctor.  Ye  finally  decide  to  save  up 
Father  Kelly  f'r  th'  last  an'  ye  sind  f'r  th' 
Dock.     Havin'  rescued  ye  fr'm  th'  jaws  iv 


DRUGS  91 

death  two  or  three  times  befure  whin  ye  had 
a  sick  headache  th'  Dock  takes  his  time  about 
comin',  but  just  as  ye  are  beginnin'  to  throw 
ye'er  boots  at  th'  clock  an'  show  other  signs 
iv  what  he  calls  rigem  mortar,  he  rides  up  in 
his  fine  horse  an'  buggy.  He  gets  out  slowly, 
one  foot  at  a  time,  hitches  his  horse  an'  ties 
a  nose  bag  on  his  head.  Thin  he  chats  f'r 
two  hundherd  years  with  th'  polisman  on  th' 
beat.  He  tells  him  a  good  story  an'  they 
laugh  harshly. 

"Whin  th'  polisman  goes  his  way  th' 
Dock  meets  th'  good  woman  at  th'  dure  an' 
they  exchange  a  few  wurruds  about  th' 
weather,  th'  bad  condition  iv  th'  sthreets,  th' 
health  iv  Mary  Ann  since  she  had  th'  croup 
an'  ye'ersilf.  Ye  catch  th'  wurruds,  '  Grape 
Pie,'  'Canned  Salmon,'  'Cast-iron  digestion.' 
Still  he  doesn't  come  up.  He  tells  a  few 
stories  to  th'  childher.  He  weighs  th'  young- 
est in  his  hands  an'  says :  'That's  a  fine  boy  ye 
have,  Mrs.  Hinnissy.  I  make  no  doubt  he'll 
grow  up  to  be  a  polisman.'  He  examines  th' 
phottygraft  album  an'  asks  if  that  isn't  so- 


92  MR.  DOOLEY 

an'-so.  An'  all  this  time  ye  lay  writhin'  in 
mortal  agony  an'  sayin'  to  ye'ersilf:  'In- 
human monsther,  to  lave  me  perish  here 
while  he  chats  with  a  callous  woman  that  I 
haven't  said  annything  but  "What?"  to  f'r 
twinty  years.' 

"Ye  begin  to  think  there's  a  conspiracy 
against  ye  to  get  ye'er  money  befure  he 
saunters  into  th'  room  an'  says  in  a  gay  tone : 
'  Well,  what  d'ye  mane  be  tyin'  up  wan  iv  th' 
gr-reat  industhrees  iv  our  nation  be  stayin' 
away  fr'm  wurruk  f'r  a  day?'  'Dock/  says 
ye  in  a  feeble  voice,  'I  have  a  tur'ble  pain  in 
me  abdumdum.  It  reaches  fr'm  here  to 
here/  makin'  a  rough  sketch  iv  th'  burned 
disthrict  undher  th'  blanket.  '  I  felt  it  comin' 
on  last  night  but  I  didn't  say  annything  f'r 
fear  iv  alarmin'  me  wife,  so  I  simply  groaned/ 
says  ye. 

"  While  ye  ar-re  describin'  ye'er  pangs,  he 
walks  around  th'  room  lookin'  at  th'  pictures. 
Afther  ye've  got  through  he  comes  over  an 
says:  'Lave  me  look  at  ye'er  tongue.  'Hum/ 
he  says,  holdin'  ye'er  wrist  an'  bowin'  through 


DRUGS  93 

th'  window  to  a  frind  iv  his  on  a  sthreet  car. 
'Does  that  hurt?'  he  says,  stabbin'  ye  with 
his  thumbs  in  th'  suburbs  iv  th'  pain.  'Ye 
know  it  does,'  says  ye  with  a  groan.  'Don't 
do  that  again.  Ye  scratched  me.'  He  hurls 
ye'er  wrist  back  at  ye  an'  stands  at  th' 
window  lookin'  out  at  th'  firemen  acrost  th' 
sthreet  playin'  dominoes.  He  says  nawthin' 
to  ye  an'  ye  feel  like  th'  prisoner  while  th' 
foreman  iv  th'  jury  is  fumblin'  in  his  inside 
pocket  f'r  th'  verdict.  Ye  can  stand  it  no 
longer.  'Dock,'  says  he,  'is  it  anny thing 
fatal?  I'm  not  fit  to  die  but  tell  me  th' 
worst  an'  I  will  thry  to  bear  it.  'Well,' 
says  he,  'ye  have  a  slight  interioritis  iv  th' 
semi-colon.  But  this  purscription  ought  to 
fix  ye  up  all  right.  Ye'd  betther  take  it 
over  to  th'  dhrug  sthore  an'  have  it  filled 
ye'ersilf.  In  th'  manetime  I'd  advise  ye  to 
be  careful  iv  ye'er  dite.  I  wudden't  ate 
annything  with  glass  or  a  large  percintage 
iv  plasther  iv  Paris  in  it.'  An'  he  goes  away 
to  write  his  bill. 

"I  wondher  why  ye  can  always  read  a 


94  MR.  DOOLEY 

doctor's  bill  an'  ye  niver  can  read  his  prescrip- 
tion. F'r  all  ye  know,  it  may  be  a  short  note 
to  th'  dhruggist  askin'  him  to  hit  ye  on  th' 
head  with  a  pestle.  An'  it's  a  good  thing  ye 
can't  read  it.  If  ye  cud,  ye'd  say:  'I'll  not 
cash  this  in  at  no  dhrug  store.  I'll  go  over 
to  Dooley's  an'  get  th'  rale  thing.'  So,  afther 
thryin'  to  decipher  this  here  corner  iv  a  dhress 
patthem,  ye  climb  into  ye'er  clothes  f'r  what 
may  be  ye'er  last  walk  up  Ar-rchy  Road.  As 
ye  go  along  ye  begin  to  think  that  maybe  th' 
Dock  knows  ye  have  th'  Asiatic  cholery  an' 
was  onl'y  thryin'  to  jolly  ye  with  his  manner 
iv  dealin'  with  ye.  As  ye  get  near  th'  dhrug 
store  ye  feel  sure  iv  it,  an'  'tis  with  th'  air 
iv  a  man  without  hope  that  ye  hand  th'  paper 
to  a  young  pharmycist  who  is  mixin'  a  two- 
cent  stamp  f'r  a  lady  customer.  He  hands  it 
over  to  a  scientist  who  is  compoundin'  an 
ice-cream  soda  f'r  a  child,  with  th'  remark: 
'  O'Leary's  writin'  is  gettin'  worse  an'  worse. 
I  can't  make  this  out  at  all.'  'Oh,'  says  th' 
chemist,  layin'  down  his  spoon,  'that's  his 
old  cure  f'r  th'  bellyache.     Ye'll  find  a  bucket 


DRUGS  95 

iv  it  in  th'  back  room  next  to  th'  coal 
scuttle.' 

"It's  a  gr-reat  medicine  he  give  ye.  It  will 
do  ye  good  no  matther  what  ye  do  with  it.  I 
wud  first  thry  poorin'  some  iv  it  in  me  hair. 
If  that  don't  help  ye  see  how  far  ye  can  throw 
th'  bottle  into  th'  river.  Ye  feel  betther 
already.  Ye  ought  to  write  to  th'  medical 
journals  about  th'  case.  It  is  a  remarkable 
cure.  'M H was  stricken  with  ex- 
cruciating tortures  in  th'  gastric  regions 
followin'  an  unusually  severe  outing  in  th' 
counthry.  F'r  a  time  it  looked  as  though 
it  might  be  niciss'ry  to  saw  out  th'  infected 
area,  but  as  this  wud  lave  an  ugly  space  be- 
tween legs  an'  chin,  it  was  determined  to 
apply  Jam.  Gin.  5  VIII.  Th'  remedy  acted 
instantly.  Afther  carryin'  th'  bottle  un- 
corked f'r  five  minyits  in  his  inside  pocket  th' 
patient  showed  signs  iv  recovery  an'  is  now 
again  in  his  accustomed  health.' 

"Yes,  sir,  if  I  was  a  doctor  I'd  be  ayether 
laughin'  or  cryin'  all  th'  time.  I'd  be  laughin' 
over  th'  cases  that  I  was  called  into  whin  I 


96  MR.  DOOLEY 

wasn't  needed  an'  cryin'  over  th'  cases  where 
I  cud  do  no  good.  An'  that  wud  be  most  iv 
me  cases. 

"Dock  O'Leary  comes  in  here  often  an' 
talks  medicine  to  me.  'Ye'ers  is  a  very 
thrying  pro-fissyon/  says  I.  'It  is/  says  he. 
'I'm  tired  out/  says  he.  'Have  ye  had  a 
good  manny  desprit  cases  to-day?'  says  I. 
'It  isn't  that/  says  he,  'but  I'm  not  a  very 
muscular  man/  he  says,  'an'  some  iv  th'  win- 
dows in  these  old  frame  houses  are  hard  to 
open/  he  says.  Th'  Dock  don't  believe  much 
in  dhrugs.  He  says  that  if  he  wasn't  afraid 
iv  losin'  his  practice  he  wudn't  give  annybody 
annything  but  quinine  an'  he  isn't  sure  about 
that.  He  says  th'  more  he  practises  medicine 
th'  more  he  becomes  a  janitor  with  a  knowl- 
edge iv  cookin'.  He  says  if  people  wud  on'y 
call  him  in  befure  they  got  sick,  he'd  abolish 
ivry  disease  in  th'  ward  except  old  age  an' 
pollyticks.  He  says  he's  lookin'  forward  to 
th'  day  whin  th'  tillyphone  will  ring  an'  he'll 
hear  a  voice  sayin' :  '  Hurry  up  over  to  Hin- 
nissy's.     He  niver  felt  so  well  in  his  life.' 


DRUGS  97 

'All  right,  I'll  be  over  as  soon  as  I  can  hitch  up 
th'  horse.  Take  him  away  fr'm  th'  supper 
table  at  wanst,  give  him  a  pipeful  iv  tobacco 
an'  walk  him  three  times  around  th'  block.' 

"But  whin  a  man's  sick,  he's  sick  an' 
nawthin'  will  cure  him  or  anny thing  will.  In 
th'  old  days  befure  ye  an'  I  were  born,  th' 
doctor  was  th'  barber  too.  He'd  shave  ye, 
cut  ye'er  hair,  dye  ye'er  mustache,  give  ye  a 
dhry  shampoo  an'  cure  ye  iv  appindicitis  while 
ye  were  havin'  ye'er  shoes  shined  be  th'  nay- 
gur.  Ivry  gineration  iv  doctors  has  had  their 
favrite  remedies.  Wanst  people  were  cured 
iv  fatal  maladies  be  applications  iv  blind 
puppies,  hair  fr'm  the  skulls  iv  dead  men  an' 
solutions  iv  bat's  wings,  just  as  now  they're 
cured  be  dhrinkin'  a  tayspoonful  iv  a  very 
ordhinary  article  iv  booze  that's  had  some 
kind  iv  a  pizenous  weed  dissolved  in  it. 

"Dhrugs,  says  Dock  O'Leary,  are  a  little  iv 
a  pizen  that  a  little  more  iv  wud  kill  ye.  He 
says  that  if  ye  look  up  anny  poplar  dhrug  in 
th'  ditchnry  ye'll  see  that  it  is  'A  very  power- 
ful pizen  of  great  use  in  medicine.'     I  took 


98  MR.  DOOLEY 

calomel  at  his  hands  f'r  manny  years  till  he 
told  me  that  it  was  about  the  same  thing  they 
put  into  Rough  on  Rats.  Thin  I  stopped.  If 
I've  got  to  die,  I  want  to  die  on  th'  premises. 
"But,  as  he  tells  me,  ye  can't  stop  people 
from  takin'  dhrugs  an'  ye  might  as  well  give 
thim  something  that  will  look  important 
enough  to  be  inthrojuced  to  their  important 
an'  fatal  cold  in  th'  head.  If  ye  don't,  they'll 
leap  f'r  the  patent  medicines.  Mind  ye,  I 
haven't  got  annything  to  say  again  patent 
medicines.  If  a  man  wud  rather  take  thim 
thin  dhrink  at  a  bar  or  go  down  to  Hop  Lung's 
f'r  a  long  dhraw,  he's  within  his  rights. 
Manny  a  man  have  I  known  who  was  a  victim 
iv  th'  tortures  iv  a  cigareet  cough  who  is  now 
livin'  comfortable  an'  happy  as  an  opeem 
fiend  be  takin'  Doctor  Wheezo's  Consumption 
Cure.  I  knew  a  fellow  wanst  who  suffered 
fr'm  spring  fever  to  that  extent  that  he  niver 
did  a  day's  wurruk.  To-day,  afther  dhrink- 
in'  a  bottle  of  Gazooma,  he  will  go  home  not 
on'y  with  th'  strenth  but  th'  desire  to  beat 
his  wife.    There  is  a  dhrug  store  on  ivry 


DRUGS  99 

corner  an'  they're  goin'  to  dhrive  out  th' 
saloons  onless  th'  govermint  will  let  us  honest 
merchants  put  a  little  cocaine  or  chloral  in 
our  cough-drops  an'  advertise  that  it  will 
cure  spinal  minigitis.  An'  it  will,  too,  f'r 
awhile." 

"  Don't  ye  iver  take  dhrugs?"  asked  Mr. 
Hennessy. 

"Niver  whin  I'm  well,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 
"Whin  I'm  sick,  I'm  so  sick  I'd  take  anny- 
thing." 


A    BROKEN    FRIENDSHIP 


a 


"Hogan  was  in  here  just  now/'  said  Mr. 
Dooley,  "an'  he  tells  me  he  was  talkin'  with 
th'  Alderman  an'  they  both  agreed  we're 
sure  to  have  war  with  th'  Japs  inside  iv  two 
years.  They  can  see  it  comin'.  Befure  very 
long  thim  little  brown  hands  acrost  th'  sea 
will  hand  us  a  crack  in  th'  eye  an'  thin  ye'll 
see  throuble." 

"What's  it  all  about?"  asked  Mr.  Hen- 
nessy. 

"Divvle  a  thing  can  I  make  out  iv  it,"  said 
Mr.  Dooley.  "Hogan  says  we've  got  to  fight 
f'r  th'  supreemacy  iv  th'  Passyfic.  Much 
fightin'  I'd  do  f'r  an  ocean,  but  havin'  taken 
th'  Philippeens,  which  ar-re  a  blamed  nui- 
sance, an  th'  Sandwich  Islands,  that're  about 
as  vallyable  as  a  toy  balloon  to  a  horse- 

shoer,  we've  got  to  grab  a  lot  iv  th'  surround- 

100 


A  BROKEN  FRIENDSHIP        101 

in'  dampness  to  protect  thim.  That's  wan 
reason  why  we're  sure  to  have  war.  Another 
reason  is  that  th'  Japs  want  to  sind  their 
little  forty-five-year-old  childherto  be  iddy- 
cated  in  th'  San  Francisco  public  schools.  A 
third  reason  why  it  looks  like  war  to  Hogan 
an'  th'  Alderman  is  that  they'd  been  dhrink- 
in'  together. 

"Wud  ye  iver  have  thought  'twas  possi- 
ble that  anny  wan  in  this  counthry  cud  even 
talk  iv  war  with  thim  delightful,  cunning 
little  Oryentals?  Why,  'tis  less  thin  two 
years  since  Hogan  was  comin'  home  fr'm 
th'  bankit  iv  th'  Union  iv  Usurers  with  his 
arms  around  th'  top  iv  a  Jap's  head  while 
th'  Jap  clutched  Hogan  affectionately  about 
th'  waist  an'  they  sung  'Gawd  Save  th' 
Mickydoo.'  D'ye  raymimber  how  we  hol- 
lered with  joy  whin  a  Rooshyan  Admiral 
put  his  foot  through  th'  bottom  iv  a  man-iv- 
war  an'  sunk  it.  An'  how  we  cheered  in  th' 
theaytre  to  see  th'  cute  little  sojers  iv  th' 
Mickydoo  mowin'  down  th'  brutal  Rooshyan 
moojiks   with   masheen  guns.     An'   fin'lly, 


102  MR.  DOOLEY 

whin  th'  Japs  had  gone  a  thousand  miles 
into  Rooshyan  territory  an'  were  about 
busted  an'  ayether  had  to  stop  fight-in*  or 
not  have  car  fare  home,  our  worthy  Prisident, 
ye  know  who  I  mean,  jumped  to  th'  front  an' 
cried:  'Boys,  stop  it.  It's  gone  far  enough 
to  satisfy  th'  both  iv  ye.'  An  th'  angel  iv 
peace  brooded  over  th'  earth  an'  crowed 
lustily. 

"Day  after  day  th'  pa-apers  come  out  an' 
declared,  in  th'  column  next  to  th'  half-page 
ad  iv  th'  Koppenheimer  bargain  sale,  that 
th'  defeat  iv  Rooshya  was  a  judgment  iv 
th'  Lord  on  th'  Czar.  If  ye  saw  a  Jap  anny- 
where,  ye  asked  him  to  take  a  dhrink. 

"Hogan  talked  about  nawthin'  else.  They 
were  a  wondherful  little  people.  How 
they  had  diviloped!  Nawthin'  in  th'  his- 
thry  iv  th'  wurruld  was  akel  to  th'  way 
they'd  come  up.  They  cud  shoot  straighter 
an'  oftener  thin  anny  other  nation.  A  Jap 
cud  march  three  hundred  miles  a  day  f'r 
eight  days  with  nawthin'  to  eat.  They  were 
highly   civvylized.     It  was   an   old  civvy- 


A  BROKEN  FRIENDSHIP       103 

lization  but  not  tainted  be  age.  Millyons 
iv  years  befure  th'  first  white  man  set  fut 
in  Milwaukee  th'  Japs  undhershtud  th' 
mannyfacther  iv  patent  wringers,  sewin'- 
masheens,  reapers,  tillyphones,  autymobills, 
ice-cream  freezers,  an'  all  th'  other  won- 
dhers  iv  our  boasted  Westhren  divilope- 
ment. 

"Their  customs  showed  how  highly  they'd 
been  civvylized.  Whin  a  Jap  soldier  was  de- 
feated, rather  thin  surrendher  an'  be  sint 
home  to  have  his  head  cut  off,  he  wud  stab 
himself  in  th'  stummick.  Their  treatment  iv 
women  put  thim  on  a  higher  plane  thin 
ours.  Cinchries  ago  befure  th'  higher  iddy- 
cation  iv  women  was  dhreamed  iv  in  this 
counthry,  th'  poorest  man  in  Japan  cud  sind 
his  daughter  to  a  tea-house,  which  is  th' 
same  as  our  female  siminaries,  where  she 
remained  till  she  gradyated  as  th'  wife  iv 
some  proud  noble  iv  th'  old  Samuri  push. 

" Their  art  had  ours  thrimmed  to  a  frazzle. 
Th'  Jap  artist  O'Casey's  pitcher  iv  a  lady 
leanin'  on  a  river  while  a  cow  walked  up  her 


104  MR.  DOOLEY 

back,  was  th'  loveliest  thing  in  th'  wurruld. 
They  were  th'  gr-reatest  athletes  iver  known. 
A  Japanese  child  with  rickets  cud  throw 
Johnson  over  a  church.  They  had  a  secret  iv 
rasslin'  be  which  a  Jap  rassler  cud  blow  on 
his  opponent's  eyeball  an'  break  his  ankle. 
They  were  th'  finest  soordsmen  that  iver'd 
been  seen.  Whin  a  Japanese  soordsman 
wint  into  a  combat  he  made  such  faces  that 
his  opponent  dhropped  his  soord  an'  thin  he 
uttered  a  bloodcurdlin'  cry,  waved  his  soord 
four  hundhred  an'  fifty  times  over  th'  head 
iv  th'  victim  or  in  th'  case  iv  a  Samuri  eight 
hundred  an'  ninety-six,  give  a  whoop  resim- 
blin'  our  English  wurrucl  'tag,'  an'  clove 
him  to  th'  feet.  As  with  us,  on'y  th'  lower 
classes  engaged  in  business.  Th'  old  arrys- 
tocracy  distained  to  thrade  but  started 
banks  an'  got  all  th'  money.  Th'  poor  man 
had  a  splendid  chance.  He  cud  devote  his 
life  to  paintin'  wan  rib  iv  a  fan,  f'r  which  he 
got  two  dollars,  or  he  cud  become  a  cab 
horse.  An'  even  in  th'  wan  branch  iv  art 
that  Westhren  civvylization  is  supposed  to 


A  BROKEN  FRIENDSHIP        105 

excel  in,  they  had  us  beat  miles.  They  were 
th'  gr-reatest  liars  in  th'  wurruld  an'  for- 
merly friends  iv  th7  Prisidint. 

"All  these  here  things  I  heerd  fr'm  Ho- 
gan  an'  see  in  th'  pa-apers.  I  invied  this 
wondherful  nation.  I  wisht,  sometimes,  th' 
Lord  hadn't  given  me  two  blue  an'  some- 
times red  eyes  an'  this  alkiline  nose,  but  a 
nose  like  an  ear  an'  a  couple  iv  shoe-buttons 
f'r  eyes.  I  wanted  to  be  a  Jap  an'  belong  to 
th'  higher  civvylization.  Hogan  had  a  Jap 
frind  that  used  to  come  in  here  with  him. 
Hogan  thought  he  was  a  Prince,  but  he  was 
a  cook  an'  a  student  in  a  theelogical  sim- 
inry.  They'd  talk  be  th'  hour  about  th' 
beauties  iv  what  Hogan  called  th'  Flowery 
Kingdom.  'Oh,  wondherful  land,'  says  Ho- 
gan. 'Land  iv  chrysanthymums  an'  cherry 
blossoms  an'  gasyhee  girls,'  says  he.  'Ja- 
pan is  a  beautiful  land,'  says  Prince  Okoko. 
'Nippon,  (that's  th'  name  it  goes  by  at 
home,)  Nippon,  I  salute  ye,'  says  Hogan. 
'May  victhry  perch  upon  ye'er  banners,  an' 
may  ye  hammer  our  old  frinds  an'  allies 


106  MR.  DOOLEY 

fr'm  Mookden  to  Moscow.  Banzai/  says  he. 
An'  they  embraced.  That  night,  in  ordher 
to  help  on  th'  cause,  Hogan  bought  a  blue 
flower-pot  fr'm  th'  Prince's  collection  f ' r  eigh- 
teen dollars.  He  took  it  home  undher  his 
ar-rm  in  th'  rain  an'  th'  next  mornin'  most 
iv  th'  flower-pot  was  on  his  new  overcoat  an' 
th'  rest  was  meltin'  all  over  th'  flure. 

"That  was  the  beginnin'  iv  th'  end  iv 
th'  frindship  between  th'  two  gr-reat  nations 
that  owe  thimselves  so  much.  About  th' 
time  Hogan  got  th'  flower-pot,  th'  fire-sale  ads 
an'  th'  Rooshyan  outrage  news  both  stopped 
in  th'  newspa-apers.  A  well-known  fi-nanceer 
who  thravelled  to  Tokeeo  with  a  letter  iv  in- 
thraduction  to  th'  Mickydoo  fr'm  th'  Prisi- 
dint  beginnin'  'Dear  mick,'  got  a  brick  put 
through  his  hat  as  he  wint  to  visit  th'  foorth 
assistant  to  th'  manicure  iv  th'  eighth  as- 
sistant to  th'  plumber  iv  th'  bricklayer 
iv  th'  Mickydoo,  which  is  th'  nearest  to  his 
Majesty  that  foreign  eyes  ar-re  permitted  to 
look  upon.  A  little  later  a  number  iv  Ameri- 
cans in  private  life  who  wint  over  to  ray- 


A  BROKEN  FRIENDSHIP       107 

ceive  in  person  th'  thanks  iv  th'  Impror 
f'r  what  they'd  done  f'r  him  talkin'  ar-round 
th'  bar  at  th'  Union  League  Club,  were 
foorced  be  th'  warmth  iv  their  rayciption  to 
take  refuge  in  th'  house  iv  th'  Rooshyan 
counsel.  Th'  next  month  some  iv  th'  sub- 
jects iv  our  life-long  frind  an'  ally  were  shot 
while  hookin'  seals  fr'm  our  side  iv  th'  Pas- 
syfic.  Next  week  a  prom'nent  Jap'nese 
statesman  was  discovered  payin'  a  socyal 
visit  to  th'  Ph'lippeens.  He  had  with  him 
at  th'  time  two  cameras,  a  couple  iv  line  men, 
surveyin'  tools,  a  thousand  feet  iv  tape  line, 
an'  a  bag  iv  dinnymite  bombs.  Last  month 
th'  Jap'nese  Governmint  wrote  to  th'  Prisi- 
dint:  'Most  gracious  an'  bewilderin'  Majes- 
ty, Impror  iv  th'  Sun,  austere  an'  patient 
Father  iv  th'  Stars,  it  has  come  to  our  be- 
nign attintion  that  in  wan  iv  ye'er  populous 
domains  our  little  prattlin'  childher  who 
ar-re  over  forty  years  iv  age  ar-re  not  ad- 
mitted to  th'  first  reader  classes  in  th'  public 
schools.  Oh,  brother  beloved,  we  adore  ye. 
Had  ye  not  butted  in  with  ye'er  hivenly 


108  MR.  DOOLEY 

binivolence  we  wucTve  shook  Rooshya  down 
f'r  much  iv  her  hateful  money.  Now  we 
must  prove  our  affection  with  acts.  It  is  our 
intintion  to  sind  a  fleet  to  visit  ye'er  shores, 
partickly  San  Francisco,  where  we  undher- 
stand  th'  school  system  is  well  worth  study- 
in'.' 

"An'  there  ye  ar-re,  Hinnissy.  Th'  f rind- 
ship  ceminted  two  years  ago  with  blood  an' 
beers  is  busted.  I  don't  know  whether  anny- 
thing  will  happen.  Hogan  thinks  so,  but  I 
ain't  sure.  Th'  Prisidint  has  announced  that 
rather  thin  see  wan  octoginaryan  Jap  pre- 
vented fr'm  larnin'  his  a-bee-abs  he  will  di- 
vastate  San  Francisco  with  fire,  flood,  dinny- 
mite,  an'  personalities.  But  San  Francisco 
has  had  a  pretty  good  bump  lately  an'  wud 
hardly  tur-rn  over  in  its  sleep  f'r  an  invasion. 
Out  there  they're  beginnin'  to  talk  about 
what  nice  people  th'  Chinese  ar-re  compared 
with  our  old  frinds  an'  allies.  They  say  that 
th'  Jap'nese  grow  up  too  fast  f'r  their  childher, 
an'  that  'tis  no  pleasant  sight  to  see  a  Jap'- 
nese pupil  combin'  a  set  iv  gray  whiskers  an' 


A  BROKEN  FRIENDSHIP       109 

larnin',  'Mary  had  a  little  lamb,'  and  if  th' 
Prisidint  wants  thim  to  enther  th'  schools 
he'll  have  to  load  thim  in  a  cannon  an'  shoot 
thim  in. 

"We'd  bate  thim  in  a  fight,"  said  Mr.  Hen- 
nessy.  "They  cudden't  stand  up  befure  a 
gr-reat,  sthrong  nation  like  ours." 

"We  think  we're  gr-reat  an'  sthrong," 
said  Mr.  Dooley.  "But  maybe  we  on'y  look 
fat  to  thim.  Annyhow,  we  might  roll  on  thim. 
Wudden't  it  be  th'  grand  thing,  though,  if 
they  licked  us  an'  we  signed  a  threaty  iv 
peace  with  thim  an'  with  tears  iv  humilya- 
tion  in  our  eyes  handed  thim  th'  Ph'lip- 
peens! 


i!" 


THE    ARMY    CANTEEN 

"I  seen  big  Doherty  runnin'  in  a  sojer 
to-day  an'  'twas  a  fine  sight.  Th'  sojer 
was  fr'm  th'  County  Kerry  an'  had  a 
thrip  an'  Doherty  is  th'  champeen  catch-as- 
catch-can  rassler  iv  Camp  Twinty-eight. 
He  had  a  little  th'  worst  iv  it,  f'r  he  cud 
on'y  get  a  neck  holt,  th'  warryor  havin'  no 
slack  to  his  pants,  but  he  landed  him  at  last. 
'Twas  gr-reat  to  see  thim  doin'  a  cart-wheel 
down  th'  sthreet." 

"Was  th'  sojer  under  th'  influonce?" 
asked  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"Ye  might  say  he  was,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 
"That  is,  ye  might  say  so  if  ye  didn't  know 
that  th'  dhrinkin'  habits  iv'  th'  army  have 
been  rayformed.  Didn't  ye  know  they 
were?  They  ar-re.  Yes,  sir.  Th'  motto  iv 
our  brave  fellows  is  now  'Away,  away,  th' 

no 


THE  ARMY  CANTEEN  111 

bowl.'  'Tis  'Wine  f'r  th'  thremblin'  de- 
bauchee, but  water,  pure  water,  f'r  me.' 
'Tis  'Father,  dear  father,  come  home  with 
me  now.'  An'  who  did  it?  Who  is  it  that 
improves  men  an'  makes  thim  more  ladylike, 
an'  thin  quits  thim,  but  th'  ladies?  This  here 
reform  was  carried  out  be  th'  Young  Ladies' 
Christyan  Tim'prance  Union,  no  less.  Ye  see, 
'twas  this  way.  F'r  manny  years  it's  been 
th'  theery  that  dhrink  an'  fightin'  wint  arm- 
in-arm.  If  ye  dhrank  ye  fought ;  if  ye  fought 
ye  drank  to  fight  again.  As  Hogan  says, 
Mars,  who  was  th'  gawd  iv  war,  was  no  good 
onless  he  was  pushed  into  throuble  be  Back- 
is,  the  gawd  iv  dhrink.  About  th'  time 
Mars  was  r-ready  to  quit  an'  go  home  to 
do  th'  Spring  plowin',  Backis  handed  him  a 
jigger  iv  kerosene  an'  says:  'That  fellow 
over  there  is  leerin'  at  ye.  Ar-re  ye  goin' 
to  stand  that?'  an'  Mars  bustled  in.  Th' 
barkeeper  an'  th'  banker  ar-re  behind  ivry 
war. 

"Well,   in  former  times  th'  Governmint 
kept  a  saloon  f'r  th'  sojers.     Up  at  Fort 


112  MR.  DOOLEY 

Shurdan  they  had  a  ginmill  where  th'  war- 
ryors  cud  go  an'  besot  thimsilves  with  bot- 
tled beer  an'  dominoes.  It  was  a  sad  sight 
to  see  thim  grim  heroes,  survivors  iv  a 
thousand  marches  through  th'  damp  sthreets 
on  Decoration  Day,  settin'  in  these  temples 
iv  hell  an'  swillin'  down  th'  hated  cochineel 
that  has  made  Milwaukee  what  it  is.  To 
this  palace  iv  vice  th'  inthrepid  definder  iv 
his  Nation's  honor  hastened  whin  he  had 
completed  th'  arjoos  round  iv  his  jooties, 
after  he  had  pressed  th'  Lootinant's  clothes, 
curried  th'  Captain's  horse,  mended  th' 
roof  iv  th'  Major's  house,  watered  th'  geer- 
anyums  f'r  th'  Colonel's  wife,  an'  written  his 
daily  letter  to  th'  paper  complainin'  about 
th'  food.  There  he  sat  an'  dhrank  an'  fought 
over  his  old  battles  with  th'  cook  an'  recalled 
th'  name  that  he  give  whin  he  first  enlisted 
an'  thried  to  think  who  it  was  he  married  in 
Fort  Leavenworth,  ontil  th'  bugle  summoned 
him  to  th'  awful  carnage  called  supper. 

"Well,  sir,  'twas  dhreadful.    We  opposed 
it  as  much  as  we  cud.    As  a  dillygate  to  th' 


THE  ARMY  CANTEEN  113 

Binivolent  Assocyation  iv  Saloon  Keepers  iv 
America  I've  helped  to  pass  manny  resolu- 
tions to  save  our  brave  boys  in  yellow  fr'm 
th'  insidyous  foe  that  robs  thim  iv  what  in- 
tellicts  they  show  be  goin'  into  the  army. 
Our  organ-ization  petitioned  Congress  time 
an'  time  again  to  take  th'  Governmint  out 
iv  this  vile  poorsoot  that  was  sappin'  th' 
very  vitals  iv  our  sojery.  Why,  we  asked, 
shud  Uncle  Sam  engage  in  this  thraffic  in  th' 
souls  iv  men  without  payin'  f'r  a  license, 
whin  dacint  citizens  were  puttin'  up  their 
good  money  a  block  away  an'  niver  a  soul 
comin'  down  fr'm  th'  fort  to  be  thrafficked 
in?  Did  Congress  pay  anny  attintion  to  us? 
It  did  not. 

"But  wan  day  a  comity  iv  ladies  fr'm  th' 
Young  Ladies'  Christyan  Timp'rance  Union 
wint  out  to  th'  fort.  They'd  seen  th'  Colonel 
at  th'  last  p'rade  an'  they'd  decided  that 
'twas  high  time  they  disthributed  copies  iv 
'Death  in  th'  Bottle;  or,  Th'  Booze-Fighter's 
Finish,'  among  our  sojery.  Whin  they  got 
up  there  they  seen  a  large  bunch  iv  our  gal- 


114  MR.  DOOLEY 

lant  fellows  makin'  a  dash  f'r  an  outlyin' 
building,  an'  says  wan  iv  thim:  'What  can 
they  be  in  such  a  hurry  f'r?  That  must  be 
th'  chapel.  Let  us  go  in.'  An'  in  they  wint. 
"Hinnissy,  th'  sight  that  met  their  young 
an'  unaccustomed  eyes  was  enough  to  shock 
even  a  lady  lookin'  f'r  throuble.  Th'  air 
was  gray  an'  blue  with  th'  fumes  iv  that  hee- 
jous  weed  that  has  made  mankind  happy 
though  single  f'r  four  hundred  years,  an' 
that  next  to  alcohol  is  th'  greatest  curse  iv 
th'  sons  iv  Adam.  Some  iv  th'  wretches 
were  playin'  cards,  properly  called  th' 
Divvle's  bible;  others  were  indulgin'  in 
music,  that  lure  iv  th'  Evil  Wan  f'r  idleness, 
while  still  others  were  intint  on  th'  furyous 
game  iv  dominoes,  whose  feet  take  hold  on 
hell.  But  worse,  still  worse,  they  saw 
through  their  girlish  spectacles  dimmed  with 
unbidden  tears.  F'r  in  front  iv  each  iv  these 
war-battered  vethrans  shtud  a  bottle,  in 
some  cases  har'ly  half  filled  with  a  brownish- 
yellow  flood  with  bubbles  on  top  iv  it. 
What  was  it,  says  ye?    Hardened  as  I  am  to 


THE  ARMY  CANTEEN  115 

dhrink  iv  ivry  kind,  I  hesitate  to  mention 
th'  wurrud.  But  concealment  is  useless. 
'Twas  beer.  These  brave  men,  employed  be 
th'  taxpayer  iv  America  to  defind  th'  hearths 
iv  th'  tax-dodger  iv  America,  supposed  be 
all  iv  us  to  have  consicrated  their  lives  to 
upholdin'  th'  flag,  were  at  heart  votaries,  as 
Hogan  says,  iv  Aloes,  gawd  iv  beer. 

"F'r  a  moment  th'  ladies  shtud  dum- 
founded.  But  they  did  not  remain  long  in 
this  unladylike  attichood.  Th'  Chairwoman 
iv  th'  dillygation  recovered  her  voice  an',  ad- 
vancin'  to'rd  a  Sergeant  who  was  thryin'  to 
skin  a  pair  iv  fours  down  so  that  it  wud  look 
like  a  jack  full  to  his  ineebryated  opponent, 
she  said:  'Me  brave  man,  d'ye  ralize  that 
that  bottle  is  full  iv  th'  Seed  iv  Desthruc- 
tion? '  she  says.  '  I  think  ye'er  wrong,  mum/ 
says  he.  'It's  Pilsener,'  he  says.  'Soon  or 
late,'  she  says,  'th'  Demon  Rum  will  de- 
sthroy  ye,'  she  says.  '  Not  me,'  says  th'  veth- 
ran  iv  a  thousand  enlistments.  'I  don't 
care  f'r  rum.  A  pleasant  companyon,  but 
a  gossip.    It  tells  on  ye.    Th'  Demon  Rum 


116  MR.  DOOLEY 

with  a  little  iv  th'  Demon  Hot  Water  an'  th' 
Demon  Sugar  is  very  enticin,'  but  it  has  a 
perfume  to  it  that  is  dangerous  to  a  married 
man  like  mesilf.  Rum,  madam,  is  an  in- 
former. Don't  niver  take  it.  I  agree  with 
ye  that  it's  a  demon,'  says  he.  'Why/ 
says  she,  'do  ye  drink  this  dhreadful  poison?' 
says  she.  'Because,'  says  th'  brave  fellow, 
'I  can't  get  annything  sthronger  without 
desertin,'  he  says. 

"An'  they  wint  down  to  Washington  to 
see  th'  Congressmen.  Ye  know  what  a  Con- 
gressman is.  I've  made  a  few  right  here  in 
this  barroom.  Th'  on'y  thing  a  Congress- 
man isn't  afraid  iv  is  th'  on'y  thing  I'd  be 
afraid  iv,  an'  that  is  iv  bein'  a  Congressman. 
An'  th'  thing  he's  most  afraid  iv  is  th'  ladies. 
A  comity  iv  ladies  wud  make  Congress  re- 
peal th'  ten  commandments.  Not  that 
they'd  iver  ask  thim  to,  Hinnissy.  They'd 
make  thim  ten  thousand  if  they  had  their 
way  an'  mark  thim:  'F'r  men  on'y.'  But, 
annyhow,  th'  ladies  comity  wint  down  to 
Washin'ton.     They'd  been  there  befure  an' 


THE  ARMY  CANTEEN  117 

dhriven  th'  Demon  Rum  fr'm  th'  resthrant 
into  a  lair  in  th'  comity  room.  A  Congress- 
man came  out,  coughin'  behind  his  hand, 
an'  put  his  handkerchief  into  th'  northwest 
corner  iv  his  coat.  'Ladies/  says  he,  'what 
can  I  do  f'r  ye?'  he  says.  'Ye  must  save 
th'  ar-rmy  fr'm  th'  malt  that  biteth  like  a 
wasp  an'  stingeth  like  an  adder,'  says  they. 
'Ye  bet  ye'er  life  I  will,  ladies,'  says  th'  Con- 
gressman with  a  slight  hiccup.  'I  will  do  as 
ye  desire.  A  sojer  that  will  dhrink  beer  is  a 
disgrace  to  th'  American  jag,'  he  says.  'We 
abolished  public  dhrinkin'  in  th'  capitol,'  he 
says.  'We  done  it  to  make  th'  Sinitors  on- 
happy,  but  thim  hardened  tools  iv  predy- 
tory  wealth  have  ordhered  ink  wells  made 
in  th'  shape  iv  decanters.  But,'  he  says, 
'th'  popylar  branch  iv  th'  Naytional  Ligis- 
lachure  is  not  to  be  outdone.  Ye  see  these 
panels  on  th'  wall?  I  touch  a  button  an' 
out  pops  a  bottle  iv  Bourbon  that  wud  make 
ye'er  eyes  dance.     Whoop-ee ! ' 

"So  Congress  passed  a  bill  abolishin'  th' 
canteen.    An'  it's  all  right  now.    If  a  sojer 


118  MR.  DOOLEY 

wants  to  desthroy  himself  he  has  to  walk  a 
block.  Some  iv  me  enterprisin'  colleagues 
in  th'  business  have  opened  places  conven- 
ient to  th'  fort  where  th'  sons  iv  Mars,  in- 
stead iv  th'  corroding  beer,  can  get  annything 
fr'm  sulphuric  acid  to  knock-out  dhrops.  I 
see  wan  iv  thim  stockin'  up  at  a  wholesale 
dhrug  store  last  week.  If  the  sojers  escape 
th'  knock-out  dhrops  they  come  down-town 
an'  Doherty  takes  care  iv  thim.  A  sojer 
gets  thirteen  dollars  a  month,  we'll  say. 
Twelve  dollars  he  can  devote  to  dhrink  an' 
wan  dollar  to  th'  fine.  Twelve  times  eight 
hundhred  an'  twelve  times  that — well,  'tis 
no  small  item  in  th'  coorse  iv  a  year.  Whin 
th'  Binivolent  Assocyation  iv  Saloonkeepers 
holds  its  next  meeting  I'm  goin'  to  propose 
to  send  dillygates  to  th'  Young  Ladies 
Christyan  Timp'rance  Union.  It  ought  to  be 
what  th'  unions  call  an  affilyated  organ- 
ization." 

"Oh,  well,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy,  "they 
think  they're  doin'  what's  right." 

"An'  they  ar-re,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.     "  Ye'll 


THE  ARMY  CANTEEN  119 

not  find  me  defindin'  th'  sellin'  iv  dhrink 
to  anny  man  annywhere.  There's  no  wan 
that's  as  much  iv  a  timp 'ranee  man  as 
a  man  that's  been  in  my  business  f'r  a 
year.  I'd  give  up  all  th'  fun  I  get  out  iv 
dhrinkin'  men  to  escape  th'  throuble  I  have 
fr'm  dhrunkards.  Drink's  a  poison.  I  don't 
deny  it.  I'll  admit  I'm  no  betther  thin  an 
ordinhry  doctor.  Both  iv  us  gives  ye  some- 
thing that  cures  ye  iv  th'  idee  that  th'  pain 
in  ye'er  chest  is  pnoomony  iv  th'  lungs.  If 
it  really  is  pnoomony  ye  go  off  somewhere 
an'  lie  down  an'  ayether  ye  cure  ye'ersilf 
iv  pnoomony  or  th'  pnoomony  cures  ye  iv 
life.  Dhrink  niver  made  a  man  betther,  but 
it  has  made  manny  a  man  think  he  was 
betther.  A  little  iv  it  lifts  ye  out  iv  th' 
mud  where  chance  has  thrown  ve;  a  little 
more  makes  ye  think  th'  stains  on  ye'er  coat 
ar-re  eppylets;  a  little  more  dhrops  ye  back 
into  th'  mud  again.  It's  a  frind  to  thim  that 
ar-re  cold  to  it  an'  an  inimy  to  those  that 
love  it  most.  It  welcomes  thim  in  an'  thrips 
thim  as  they  go  out.    I  tell  ye  'tis  a  threach- 


120  MR.  DOOLEY 

erous  dhrug  an'  it  oughtn't  to  be  given  to 
ivry  man. 

"To  get  a  dhrink  a  man  ought  first  to 
be  examined  be  his  parish  priest  to  see 
whether  he  needs  it  an'  how  it's  goin'  to 
affect  him.  F'r  wan  man  he'd  write  on  th' 
prescription  'Ad  lib,'  as  Dock  O'Leary  does 
whin  he  ordhers  a  mustard  plasther  f'r  me; 
f'r  another  he'd  write :  'Three  times  a  day  at 
meals.'  But  most  people  he  wudcTen't  pre- 
scribe it  f'r  at  all. 

"Do  I  blame  th'  ladies?  Faith,  I  do  not. 
Ye  needn't  think  I'm  proud  iv  me  business. 
I  only  took  to  it  because  I  am  too  selfish  to 
be  a  mechanic  an'  too  tender-hearted  to  be 
a  banker  or  a  lawyer.  No,  sir,  I  wudden't 
care  a  sthraw  if  all  th'  dhrink  in  th'  wurruld 
was  dumped  to-morrah  into  th'  Atlantic 
Ocean,  although  f'r  a  week  or  two  afther  it 
was  I'd  have  to  get  me  a  diving  suit  if  I 
wanted  to  see  annything  iv  me  frinds. 

"No,  sir;  th'  ladies  ar-re  not  to  blame. 
They've  always  thried  to  reform  man,  an' 
they  haven't  yet  got  onto  th'  fact  that  maybe 


THE  ARMY  CANTEEN  121 

he's  not  worth  reformin'.  They  don't  un- 
dherstan'  why  a  man  shud  be  allowed  to 
pizen  himsilf  into  th'  belief  that  he  amounts 
to  something,  but  thin  they  don't  undher- 
stand  man.  They  little  know  what  a  bluff 
he  is  an'  how  'tis  on'y  be  fortifyin'  himsilf 
with  stuff  that  they  regard  as  iv  no  use  except 
to  burn  undher  a  tea-kettle  that  he  dares  to 
go  on  livin'  at  all.  He  knows  how  good 
dhrink  makes  him  look  to  himsilf,  an'  he 
dhrinks.  They  see  how  it  makes  him  look 
to  ivrybody  else,  an'  they  want  to  take  it 
away  fr'm  him.  Whin  he's  sober  his  bluff 
is  on  th'  outside.  Whin  he's  dhrunk  he 
makes  th'  bluff  to  his  own  heart.  Dhrink 
turns  him  inside  out  as  well  as  upside  down, 
an'  while  he's  congratulatin'  himsilf  on  th' 
fine  man  he  is,  th'  neighbors  know  him  f'r  a 
boaster,  a  cow'rd,  an'  something  iv  a  liar. 
That  th'  ladies  see  an'  hate.  They  do  not 
know  that  there  is  wan  thing  an'  on'y  wan 
thing  to  be  said  in  favor  iv  dhrink,  an'  that 
is  that  it  has  caused  manny  a  lady  to  be 
loved  that  otherwise  might've  died  single." 


122  MR.  DOOLEY 

" They're  all  right,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy. 
"I'm  against  it." 

"Yes,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "Army  man 
is  against  dhrink  that's  iver  been  really 
against  it." 


THINGS  SPIRITUAL 

"Th'  latest  thing  in  science,"  said  Mr. 
Dooley,  "is  weighin'  th'  human  soul.  A 
fellow  up  in  Matsachoosetts  has  done  it.  He 
weighs  ye  befure  ye  die  an'  he  weighs  ye 
afther  ye  die,  an'  th'  diff'rence  is  what  ye'er 
soul  weighs.  He's  discovered  that  th'  av'- 
rage  weight  iv  a  soul  in  New  England  is  six 
ounces  or  a  little  less.  Fr'm  this  he  argies 
that  th'  conscience  isn't  part  iv  th'  soul. 
If  it  was  th'  soul  wud  be  in  th'  heavyweight 
class,  f'r  th'  New  England  conscience  is  no 
feather.  He  thinks  it  don't  escape  with  th' 
soul,  but  lies  burrid  in  th'  roons  iv  its  old 
fam'ly  home — th'  liver. 

"It's  so  simple  it  must  be  true,  an'  if  it 
ain't  true,  annyhow  it's  simple.  But  it's  a 
tur-rble  thing  to  think  iv.  I  can't  see  anny 
money  in  it  as  an  invintion.     Who'll  want 

123 


124  MR.  DOOLEY 

to  have  his  soul  weighed?  Suppose  ye'er 
time  has  come.  Th'  fam'ly  ar-re  busy  with 
their  own  thoughts,  grievin'  because  they 
hadn't  been  as  good  to  ye  as  they  might,  be- 
cause they  won't  have  ye  with  thim  anny 
more,  because  it's  too  late  f'r  thim  to  square 
thimsilves,  pityin'  ye  because  ye'er  not  re- 
mainin'  to  share  their  sorrows  with  thim, 
wondhrin'  whether  th'  black  dhresses  that 
were  bought  in  honor  iv  what  people  might 
have  said  if  they  hadn't  worn  thim  in  mim- 
ry  iv  Aunt  Eliza,  wud  be  noticed  if  they  were 
worn  again  f'r  ye.  Th'  very  young  mimbers 
iv  th'  fam'ly  ar-re  standin'  around,  thryin' 
to  look  as  sad  as  they  think  they  ought  to 
look.  But  they  can't  keep  it  up.  They  nudge 
each  other,  their  eyes  wandher  around  th' 
room,  an'  fr'm  time  to  time  they  glance  over 
at  Cousin  Felix  an'  expect  him  to  make  a 
laugh'ble  face.  He's  a  gr-reat  frind  iv  theirs 
an'  they're  surprised  he  isn't  gayer.  Some- 
thing must've  happened  to  him.  Maybe 
he's  lost  his  job.  There  ar-re  a  gr-reat 
manny  noises  in  th'  sthreet.    Th'  undertaker 


THINGS  SPIRITUAL  125 

whistles  as  he  goes  by,  an'  two  iv  th'  neigh- 
bors ar-re  at  th'  gate  sayin'  what  a  fine  man 
ye  were  if  ye  didn't  dhrink,  an'  askin'  did 
ye  leave  much. 

"An'  little  ye  care.  Everything  is  a  mil- 
lyon  miles  away  fr'm  ye.  F'r  th'  first  time 
in  ye'er  life  ye're  alone.  F'r  the  first  time 
in  ye'er  life  ye  ar-re  ye'ersilf.  F'r  Hiven 
knows  how  manny  years  ye've  been  some- 
body else.  Ye've  been  ye'er  wife,  ye'er 
fam'ly,  ye'er  relations,  th'  polisman  on  th' 
beat,  th'  doctor,  th'  newspaper  reporther, 
th'  foreman  at  th'  mills,  th'  laws  iv  th'  land, 
th'  bartinder  that  gives  ye  dhrinks,  th'  tailor, 
th'  barber,  an'  public  opinion.  Th'  wurruld 
has  held  a  lookin'-glass  in  front  iv  ye  fr'm 
th'  day  ye  were  born  an'  compelled  ye  to 
make  faces  in  it.  But  in  this  here  particular 
business  ye  have  no  wan  to  please  but  ye'er- 
silf. Good  opinyon  an'  bad  opinyon  ar-re 
alike.  Ye're  akelly  unthroubled  be  grati- 
chood  an'  revenge.  No  wan  can  help  ye  or 
stay  ye.  Ye're  beyond  th'  sound  iv  th* 
alarm  clock  an'  th'  facthry  whistle  an'  be- 


126  MR.  DOOLEY 

ginnin'  th'  Big  Day  Off  whin  th'  man  iv 
Science  shakes  ye  be  th'  elbow  an'  says: 
'Ye've  got  to  weigh  out.'  An'  he  weighs 
figures:  'Wan  hundhred  an'  forty-siven 
fr'm  wan  hundhred  an'  fifty.  Siven  fr'm 
naught  can't  be  done;  borry  wan;  siven  fr'm 
ten  leaves  three.  I  find  that  th'  soul  iv  our 
late  laminted  frind  weighed  a  light  three 
pounds  avirdoopoise., 

"No,  sir,  it  won't  do.  'Twill  niver  be 
popylar.  People  won't  have  their  souls 
weighed.  I  wudden't  f'r  all  th'  wurruld 
have  th'  wurrud  go  through  th'  ward:  'Did 
ye  hear  about  Dooley's  soul?'  'No,  what?' 
'They  had  to  get  an  expert  accountant  to 
figure  its  weight,  it  was  that  puny.' 

"D'ye  suppose  Dorgan,  th'  millyonaire, 
wud  consint  to  it?  Whin  he  entered  th' 
race  iv  life  he  was  properly  handicapped 
with  a  soul  to  offset  his  avarice  an'  his  ability, 
so  that  some  iv  th'  rest  iv  us  wud  have  a 
kind  iv  a  show  again  him.  But  as  soon  as 
he  thinks  no  wan  can  see  him  he  begins  to 
get   rid  iv  his  weight  an'   comes  rompin' 


THINGS  SPIRITUAL  127 

home  miles  ahead.  But  th'  judges  say: 
'Hold  on,  there;  ye'll  have  to  weigh  out/ 
an5  a  little  later  a  notice  is  posted  up  that 
Dorgan  is  disqualified  f'r  ridin'  undher- 
weight  in  th'  matther  iv  soul.  On  th'  other 
hand,  there's  little  Miss  Maddigan,  th' 
seamstress.  She's  all  but  left  at  th'  post; 
she's  jostled  all  th'  way  around,  an'  comes  in 
lame,  a  bad  last.  But  she's  th'  only  wan 
iv  th'  lot  that's  kept  th'  weight.  She  weighs 
ninety-six  pounds — six  iv  it  bein'  tea  an' 
toast  an  ninety  iv  it  soul. 

"No,  sir,  whin  it  comes  to  goin'  up  to  th' 
scales  to  have  their  souls  weighed  people'll 
be  as  shy  as  they  are  in  a  Customs  House. 
Th'  people  that  wud  make  th'  invintion  pay 
wud  be  th'  last  to  want  to  be  tested  by  it. 
Th'  pa-apers  might  keep  records  iv  th'  re- 
sults :  '  Misther  So-an'-so,  th'  gr-reat  captain 
iv  finance,  died  yesterday,  universally  re- 
gretted. His  estate  amounts  to  nineteen 
millyon  dollars.  There  ar-re  two  large  be- 
quests to  charity.  Wan  is  a  thrust  fund  set 
aside  f'r  his  maiden  sister  Annybelle,  who 


128  MR.  DOOLEY 

will  receive  f'r  life  th'  income  on  eight  hun- 
clhred  dollars  in  stock  iv  th'  Hackensack 
Meadows  Comp'ny.  Th'  other  is  forty-two 
dollars  to  buy  a  wooden  leg  f'r  his  brother 
Isaac,  it  bein'  undherstood  that  no  charge 
is  to  be  made  be  th'  estate  against  th' 
brother  f'r  a  set  iv  false  teeth  bought  f'r 
him  in  th'  year  nineteen  four.  Th'  bal- 
ance iv  th'  property  is  left  in  trust  f'r  th' 
minor  childher  until  they  ar-re  90  years 
old.  Th'  deceased  requested  that  his  soul 
be  measured  be  troy  weight.  It  tipped  th' 
beam  at   wan  pennyweight.'  " 

"D'ye  think  th'  soul  can  be  weighed?" 
asked  Mr.  Hennessy.  "I  know  it's  there, 
but  I  think — I  kind  iv  feel — I  wondher — I 
don't  hardly  know " 

"I  see  what  ye  mean,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 
"Scales  an'  clocks  ar-re  not  to  be  thrusted 
to  decide  annything  that's  worth  deciding. 
Who  tells  time  be  a  clock?  Ivry  hour  is  th' 
same  to  a  clock  an'  ivry  hour  is  diff'rent  to 
me.  Wan  long,  wan  short.  There  ar-re 
hours  in  th'  avenin'  that  pass  between  two 


THINGS  SPIRITUAL  129 

ticks  iv  th'  clock;  there  ar-re  hours  in  th? 
arly  mornin'  whin  a  man  can't  sleep  that 
Methusalah's  age  cud  stretch  in.  Clocks 
ar-re  habichool  liars,  an'  so  ar-re  scales.  As 
soon  as  annything  gets  good  enough  to 
weigh  ye  can't  weigh  it.  Scales  ar-re  f'r  th' 
other  fellow.  I'm  perfectly  willin'  to  take 
ye'er  weight  or  ye'er  soul's  weight  fr'm  what 
th'  scales  say.  Little  I  care.  A  pound  or 
two  more  or  less  makes  no  diff'rence.  But 
when  it  comes  to  measurin'  something  that's 
precious  to  me,  I'll  not  thrust  it  to  a  slight 
improvement  on  a  see-saw. 

"But  what  do  I  know  about  it,  annyhow? 
What  do  I  know  about  annything?  I've 
been  pitchin'  information  into  ye  f'r  more 
years  thin  anny  wan  iver  wint  to  colledge, 
an'  I  tell  ye  now  I  don't  know  annything 
about  annything.  I  don't  like  to  thrust 
mesilf  forward.  I'm  a  modest  man.  Won't 
somebody  else  get  up?  Won't  ye  get  up, 
Tiddy  Rosenfelt ;  won't  ye,  Willum  Jennings 
Bryan;  won't  ye,  Prisidint  Eliot;  won't  ye, 
pro-fissors,  preachers,  doctors,  lawyers,  idi- 


130  MR.  DOOLEY 

tors?  Won't  annybody  get  up?  Won't 
annybody  say  that  they  don't  know  anny- 
thing  about  annything  worth  knowin'  about? 
Thin,  be  Hivens,  I  will.  All  alone  I'll  stand 
up  befure  me  class  an'  say:  'Hinnissy, 
about  annything  that  can't  be  weighed  on 
a  scales  or  measured  with  a  tape  line 
I'm  as  ign'rant  as — ye'ersilf.  I'll  have  to 
pay  ye  back  th'  money  I  took  fr'm  ye  f'r 
ye'er  schoolin'.  It  was  obtained  be  false 
pretences.' 

"How  can  I  know  annything,  whin  I 
haven't  puzzled  out  what  I  am  mesilf.  I 
am  Dooley,  ye  say,  but  ye 're  on'y  a  casual 
obsarver.  Ye  don't  care  annything  about 
me  details.  Ye  look  at  me  with  a  gin'ral 
eye.  Nawthin'  that  happens  to  me  really 
hurts  ye.  Ye  say,  Til  go  over  to  see  Doo- 
ley,' sometimes,  but  more  often  ye  say, 
'I'll  go  over  to  Dooley's.'  I'm  a  house  to 
ye,  wan  iv  a  thousand  that  look  like  a  row 
iv  model  wurrukin'men's  cottages.  I'm  a 
post  to  hitch  ye'er  silences  to.  I'm  always 
about  th'  same  to  ye.     But  to  me  I'm  a 


THINGS  SPIRITUAL  131 

millyon  Dooleys  an'  all  iv  thim  sthrangers 
to  ME.  I  niver  know  which  wan  iv  thim 
is  comin'  in.  I'm  like  a  hotel  keeper  with 
on'y  wan  bed  an'  a  millyon  guests,  who 
come  wan  at  a  time  an'  tumble  each  other 
out.  I  set  up  late  at  night  an'  pass  th'  bot- 
tle with  a  gay  an'  careless  Dooley  that  hasn't 
a  sorrow  in  th'  wurruld,  an'  suddenly  I  look 
up  an'  see  settin'  acrost  fr'm  me  a  gloomy 
wretch  that  fires  th'  dhrink  out  iv  th'  win- 
dow an'  chases  me  to  bed.  I'm  just  gettin' 
used  to  him  whin  another  Dooley  comes  in, 
a  cross,  cantankerous,  crazy  fellow  that  in- 
sists on  eatin'  breakfast  with  me.  An'  so  it 
goes.  I  know  more  about  mesilf  than  anny- 
body  knows  an'  I  know  nawthin'.  Though 
I'd  make  a  map  fr'm  mem'ry  an'  gossip  iv 
anny  other  man,  f'r  mesilf  I'm  still  un- 
charted. 

"So  what's  th'  use  iv  thryin'  to  know 
annything  less  important.    Don't  thry.    All 
ye've  got  to  do  is  to  believe  what  ye  hear, 
an'  if  ye  do  that  enough,  afther  a  while  ye'll 
hear  what  ye  believe.    Ye've  got  to  start  in 


132  MR.  DOOLEY 

believin'  befure  ye  can  find  a  reason  f'r  ye'er 
belief.  Our  old  frind  Christopher  Columbus 
hadn't  anny  good  reason  f'r  believin'  that 
there  was  anny  such  a  place  as  America. 
But  he  believed  it  without  a  reason  an' 
thin  wint  out  an'  found  it.  Th'  fellows  that 
discovered  th'  canals  on  Mars  which  other 
fellows  think  cud  be  cured  be  a  good  ocu- 
list, hadn't  anny  right  to  think  there  were 
canals  on  Mars.  But  wan  iv  thim  said: 
'I  wondher  if  there  ar-re  canals  on  Mars;  I 
believe  there  ar-re.  I'll  look  an'  see.  Be 
Hivens,  there  ar-re.'  If  he'd  wondhered  an' 
thin  believed  about  clothes  poles  he'd've 
found  thim  too.  Anny  kind  iv  a  fact  is 
proof  iv  a  belief.  A  firm  belief  atthracts 
facts.  They  come  out  iv  holes  in  th'  ground 
an'  cracks  in  th'  wall  to  support  belief,  but 
they  run  away  fr'm  doubt. 

"I'll  niver  get  anny  medal  f'r  makin' 
anny  man  give  up  his  belief.  If  I  see  a  fellow 
with  a  chube  on  his  eye  and  hear  him  hol- 
lerin,'  'Hooray,  I've  discovered  a  new 
planet/  I'll  be  th'  last  man  in  th'  wurruld 


THINGS  SPIRITUAL  133 

to  brush  th'  fly  off  th'  end  iv  th'  telescope. 
I've  known  people  that  see  ghosts.  I  didn't 
see  thim,  but  they  did.  They  cud  see 
ghosts  an'  I  cudden't.  There  wasn't  anny- 
thing  else  to  it.  I  knew  a  fellow  that  was  a 
Spiritualist  wanst.  He  was  in  th'  chattel 
morgedge  business  on  week  days  an'  he  was 
a  Spiritulist  on  Sunday.  He  cud  understand 
why  th'  spirits  wud  always  pick  out  a  stout 
lady  with  false  hair  or  a  gintleman  that  had 
his  thumb  mark  registhered  at  Polis  Head- 
quarthers  to  talk  through,  an'  he  knew  why 
spirits  liked  to  play  on  banjoes  an'  mando- 
lins an'  why  they  convarsed  be  rappin'  on 
a  table  in  th'  dark.  An'  there  was  a  man 
that  wud  bite  a  silver  dollar  in  two  befure 
he'd  take  it  f'r  good." 

"My  aunt  seen  a  ghost  wanst,"  said  Mr. 
Hennessy. 

"Ivrybody's  aunt  has  seen  a  ghost,"  said 
Mr.  Dooley. 


BOOKS 

"Well,  sir,  if  there's  wan  person  in  th' 
wurruld  that  I  really  invy  'tis  me  frind  th' 
ex-Prisidint  iv  Harvard.  What  a  wondher- 
ful  thing  is  youth.  Old  fellows  like  ye'ersilf 
an'  me  make  a  bluff  about  th'  advantages 
iv  age.  But  we  know  there's  nawthin'  in 
it.  We  have  wisdom,  but  we  wud  rather 
have  hair.  We  have  expeeryence,  but  we 
wud  thrade  all  iv  its  lessons  f'r  hope  an' 
teeth. 

"It  makes  me  cross  to  see  mesilf  settin' 
here  takin'  a  post  grajate  coorse  in  our 
cillybrated  univarsity  iv  th'  Wicked  Wur- 
ruld an'  watchin'  th'  freshmen  comin' 
in.  How  happy  they  are,  but  how  seeryous. 
How  sure  they  are  iv  ivrything.  Us  old 
fellows  are  sure  iv  nawthin';  we  laugh 
but  we  are  not  cheerful;    we  have  no  ro- 

134 


BOOKS  135 

mance  about  th'  colledge.  Ye  don't  hear 
us  givin'  nine  long  cheers  f'r  our  almy 
matther.  We  ain't  even  thankful  f'r  th' 
lessons  it  teaches  us  or  th'  wallops  it  hands 
us  whin  we  f'rget  what  we've  been  taught. 
We're  a  sad  lot  iv  old  la-ads,  hatin'  th' 
school,  but  hatin'  th'  grajation  exercises 
aven  more. 

"But  'tis  a  rale  pleasure  to  see  th'  bright 
faced  freshmen  comin'  in  an'  I  welcome 
th'  last  young  fellow  fr'm  Harvard  to  our 
vin'rable  institution.  I  like  to  see  these 
earnest,  clear-eyed  la-ads  comin'  in  to 
waken  th'  echoes  iv  our  grim  walls  with 
their  young  voices.  I'm  sure  th'  other 
undhergrajates  will  like  him.  He  hasn't 
been  spoiled  be  bein'  th'  star  iv  his  school 
f'r  so  long.  Charles  seems  to  me  to  be  th' 
normal  healthy  boy.  He  does  exactly  what 
all  freshmen  in  our  university  do  whin  they 
enther.  He  tells  people  what  books  they 
shud  read  an'  he  invints  a  new  relligon. 
Ivry  well-ordhered  la-ad  has  to  get  these 
two  things  out  iv  his  system  at  wanst. 


136  MR.  DOOLEY 

"What  books  does  he  advise,  says  ye?  I 
haven't  got  th'  complete  list  yet,  but  what  I 
seen  iv  it  was  good.  Speakin'  f'r  mesilf 
alone,  I  don't  read  books.  They  are  too 
stimylatin'.  I  can  get  th'  same  wrong  idees 
iv  life  fr'm  dhrink.  But  I  shud  say  that  if 
a  man  was  a  confirmed  book-reader,  if  he 
was  a  man  that  cudden't  go  to  sleep  with- 
out takin'  a  book  an'  if  he  read  befure  break- 
fast, I  shud  think  that  Doctor  Eliot's  very 
old  vatted  books  are  comparatively  harm- 
less. They  are  sthrong  it  is  thrue.  They 
will  go  to  th'  head.  I  wud  advise  a  man 
who  is  aisily  affected  be  books  to  stick  to 
Archibald  Clavering  Gunter.  But  they  will 
hurt  no  man  who's  used  to  readin'.  He  has 
sawed  thim  out  carefully.  'Give  me  me 
tools,'  says  he,  'an'  I  will  saw  out  a  five-foot 
shelf  iv  books.'  An'  he  done  it.  He  has 
th'  right  idee.  He  real-izes  that  th'  first 
thing  to  have  in  a  libry  is  a  shelf.  Fr'm 
time  to  time  this  can  be  decorated  with 
lithrachure.  But  th'  shelf  is  th'  main  thing. 
Otherwise  th'  libry  may  get  mixed  up  with 


BOOKS  137 

readin'  matther  on  th'  table.  Th'  shelf  shud 
thin  be  nailed  to  th'  wall  iliven  feet  fr'm  th' 
flure  an'  hermetically  sealed. 

"What  books  does  he  riccomind?  Iv 
course  there's  such  folklore  as  Epicbaulus 
in  Marsupia  an'  th'  wurruks  iv  Hyper- 
phrastus.  But  it  shows  how  broad  an'  in- 
dulgent th'  doctor's  taste  is  that  he  has 
included  Milton's  Arryopatigica,  if  I  have 
th'  name  right.  This  is  what  ye  might  call 
summer  readin'.  I  don't  know  how  I  cud 
describe  it  to  ye,  Hinnissy.  Ye  wudden't 
hardly  call  it  a  detective  story  an'  yet  it 
ain't  a  problem  play.  Areopapigica  is  a 
Greek  gur-rul  who  becomes  th'  iditor  iv  a 
daily  newspaper.  That  is  th'  beginnin'  iv 
th'  plot.  I  won't  tell  ye  how  it  comes  out. 
I  don't  want  to  spile  ye'er  injymint  iv  it. 
But  ye'll  niver  guess  who  committed  th' 
crime.  It  is  absolutely  unexpicted.  A  most 
injanyous  book  an'  wan  iv  th'  best  sellers  iv 
its  day.  There  were  four  editions  iv  thirty 
copies  each  an'  I  don't  know  how  manny 
paper-covered    copies    at    fifty    cents   were 


138  MR.  DOOLEY 

printed  Pr  circulation  on  th'  mail  coaches. 
I'm  not  sure  if  it  iver  was  dhramatized ;  if  it 
wasn't,  there's  a  chanst  f'r  some  manager. 
"The  darin'  rescue  iv  Areopatigica  be 
Oliver  Cromwell — but  I  won't  tell  ye.  Ye 
must  read  it.  There  ar-re  some  awful  com- 
ical things  in  it.  I  don't  agree  with  Uncle 
Joe  Cannon,  who  says  it  is  trashy.  It  is 
light,  perhaps  even  frivolous.  But  it  has 
gr-reat  merit.  I  can't  think  iv  annything 
that  wud  be  more  agreeable  thin  lyin'  in  a 
hammock,  with  a  glass  iv  somethin'  in 
ye'er  hand  on  a  hot  day  an'  readin'  this 
little  jim  iv  pure  English  an'  havin'  a  pro- 
fissor  fr'm  colledge  within  aisy  call  to  tell 
ye  what  it  all  meant.  I  niver  go  f'r  a  long 
journey.  I  mane  I  niver  go  f'r  a  long  jour- 
ney without  a  copy  iv  Milton's  Agropapitica 
in  me  pocket.  I  have  lent  it  to  brakemen 
an'  they  have  invaryably  returned  it.  I 
have  read  it  to  men  that  wanted  to  fight  me 
an'  quited  thim.  Yet  how  few  people  iv 
our  day  have  read  it!  I'll  bet  ye  eight 
dollars  that  if  ye  wait  till  th'  stores  let  out 


BOOKS  139 

ye  can  go  on  th'  sthreet  an'  out  iv  ivry  ten 
men  ye  meet  at  laste  two,  an'  I'll  take  odds 
on  three,  have  niver  aven  heerd  iv  this  pow'- 
ful  thragedy.  Yet  while  it  was  runnin'  ye 
cudden't  buy  a  copy  iv  th'  Fireside  Com- 
panyon  an'  f'r  two  cinchries  it  has  proticted 
th'  shelves  iv  more  libries  thin  anny  iv 
Milton's  pomes,  f'r  Hogan  tells  me  this 
author,  who  ye  hardly  iver  hear  mentioned 
in  th'  sthreet  cars  at  th'  prisint  moment, 
was  a  pote  as  well  as  an  author  an'  blind  at 
that,  an',  what  is  more,  held  a  prom'nent 
pollytickal  job.  I  wondher  if  two  hundred 
years  fr'm  now  people  will  cease  to  talk  iv 
William  Jennings  Bryan.  He  won't,  but 
will  they? 

"Well,  sir,  it  must  be  a  grand  thing  to 
injye  good  books,  but  it  must  be  grander 
still  to  injye  anny  kind  iv  books.  Hogan 
can  read  annything.  He  ain't  a  bit  par- 
ticklar.  He's  tur-rbly  addicted  to  th'  habit. 
Long  years  ago  I  decided  that  I  cudden't 
read  annything  but  th'  lightest  newspaper 


140  MR.  DOOLEY 

with  mc  meals.  I  seldom  read  between 
meals  excipt  now  an'  thin  f'r  socyability's 
sake.  If  I  am  with  people  that  are  readin' 
I'm  very  apt  to  jine  thim  so's  not  to  appear 
to  be  bad  company.  But  Hogan  is  always 
at  it.  I  wudden't  mind  if  he  wint  out  bold- 
ly to  readin'-rooms  an'  thin  let  it  alone. 
But  he  reads  whin  he  is  be  himsilf.  He 
reads  in  bed.  He  reads  with  his  meals.  He 
is  a  secret  reader.  He  nips  in  second-hand 
book  stores.  He  can't  go  on  a  thrain  an' 
have  anny  fun  lookin'  at  th'  other  passengers 
or  invyin  th'  farmers  their  fields  an'  not 
invyin'  their  houses.  Not  a  bit  iv  it.  He 
has  to  put  a  book  in  his  pocket.  He'll  tell 
ye  that  th'  on'y  readin'  is  Doctor  Eliot's 
cillybrated  old  blend  an'  he'll  talk  larnedly 
about  th'  varyous  vintages.  But  I've  seen 
him  read  books  that  wud  kill  a  thruckman. 
Th'  result  iv  it  is  that  Hogan  is  always  wrong 
about  ivrything.  He  sees  th'  wurruld  upside 
down.  Some  men  are  affected  diff'rent. 
Readin'  makes  thim  weep.  But  it  makes 
Hogan  believe  in  fairies  while  he's  at  it. 


BOOKS  141 

He's  irresponsible.  There  ain't  annything 
in  th'  wurruld  f'r  him  but  dark  villyans 
an'  blond  heroes.  An'  he's  always  fightin' 
these  here  imaginary  inimies  an'  frinds, 
wantin'  to  desthroy  a  poor,  tired,  scared 
villyan,  an'  losin'  his  good  money  to  a  hero. 
I've  thried  to  stop  him.  'Use  ye'er  will- 
power/ say  I.  'Limit  ye'ersilf  to  a  book  or 
two  a  day/  says  I.  'Stay  in  th'  open  air. 
Take  soft  readin'.  How  d'ye  expict  to  get 
on  in  th'  wurruld  th'  way  ye  are  goin'? 
Who  wud  make  a  confirmed  reader  th'  cash- 
ier iv  a  bank?  Ye'd  divide  ye'er  customers 
into  villyans  an'  heroes  an'  ye  wudden't 
lend  money  to  th'  villyans.  An'  thin  ye'd 
be  wrong  aven  if  ye  were  right.  F'r  th' 
villyans  wud  be  more  apt  to  have  th'  money 
to  bring  back  thin  th'  heroes/  says  I.  'Ye 
may  be  right/  says  he.  'But  'tis  too  late 
to  do  annything  with  me.  An'  I  don't  care. 
It  may  hurt  me  in  th'  eyes  iv  me  fellow 
counthrymen,  but  look  at  th'  fun  I  get  out 
iv  it.  I  wudden't  thrade  th'  injanyous 
wicked  people  an'  th'  saints  that  I  see  f'r 


142  MR.  DOOLEY 

all  th'  poor,  dull,  half-an'-half  crathers  that 
ye  find  in  th'  wurruld,'  says  he. 

"An'  there  ye  ar-re.  It's  just  as  his  frind, 
th'  most  prom'nent  get-rich-quick-man  iv  his 
time,  wanst  said:  'Readin'  makes  a  man 
full.'  An'  maybe  Hogan's  right.  Anny- 
how,  I'm  glad  to  have  him  advised  about 
his  books  so  that  he  won't  hurt  himsilf  with 
lithrachoor  that  don't  come  undher  th'  pure 
food  act.  An'  I'm  glad  to  welcome  our 
young  friend  Charles  Eliot  into  our  ancient 
univarsity.  He'll  like  it  f'r  awhile.  He  is 
sure  to  make  th'  team  an'  I  wudden't  mind 
seein'  him  captain  iv  it.  'Tis  a  gr-reat  col- 
ledge  afther  all,  an'  if  it  makes  me  mad 
part  iv  th'  time,  because  I'm  always  gettin' 
licked  Fr  what  somebody  else  has  done,  on 
th'  whole  I  injye  it.  Th'  coorse  is  hard. 
Ivry  man,  woman,  an'  child  is  profissor 
an'  student  to  ye.  Th'  examinations  are 
tough.  Ye  niver  know  whin  they're  goin' 
to  take  place  or  what  they'll  be  about. 
Profissor  Eliot  may  pass  ye  on'y  to  have 


BOOKS  143 

Profissor  Hinnissy  turn  ye  down.  But 
there's  wan  sure  thing — ye'll  be  grajiated. 
Ye'll  get  th'  usual  diploma.  Ye'll  grajiate 
not  because  iv  annything  ye've  done,  but 
because  ye'er  room  is  needed.  'I  like  th' 
old  place/  says  ye.  'An'  I'm  just  beginnin' 
to  larn,'  says  ye.  'Pass  on,  blockhead,' 
says  th'  faculty.  'Pass  on,  Hinnissy — ye'll 
niver  lam  annything.'  An'  there  ye  are. 
What'llyetake?" 

"I  wudden't  mind  havin'  a  little — "  be- 
gan Mr.  Hennessy. 

"I  don't  mean  what  you  mean,"  said 
Mr.  Dooley.  "Will  ye  have  th'  avenin'  pa- 
per or  a  little  iv  th'  old  stuff  off  th'  shelf?  " 


THE  TARIFF 

"Well,  sir7  'tis  a  gr-r-rand  wurruk  thim 
Sinitors  an'  Congressmen  are  do-in'  in  Wash- 
'n'ton.  Me  heart  bleeds  f'r  th'  poor  fellows, 
steamin'  away  undher  th'  majestic  tin  dome 
iv  th'  capitol  thryin'  to  rejooce  th'  tariff 
to  a  weight  where  it  can  stand  on  th'  same 
platform  with  me  frind  big  Bill  without  en- 
dangerin'  his  life.  Th'  likes  iv  ye  wud  want 
to  see  th'  tariff  rejooced  with  a  jack  plane 
or  an  ice  pick.  But  th'  tariff  has  been  a 
good  frind  to  some  iv  thim  boys  an'  it's  a 
frind  iv  frinds  iv  some  iv  th'  others  an' 
they  don't  intend  to  be  rough  with  it.  A 
little  gentle  massage  to  rejooce  th'  most 
prom'nent  prochooberances  is  all  that  is 
nicissry.  Whiniver  they  rub  too  hard  an' 
th'  tariff  begins  to  groan,  Sinitor  Aldhrich 
says:    'Go  a  little  asier  there,  boys.     He's 

144 


THE  TARIFF  145 

very  tender  in  some  iv  thim  schedules. 
P'raps  we'd  betther  stop  P r  th'  day  an'  give 
him  a  little  nourishment  to  build  him  up/ 
he  says.  An'  th'  last  I  heerd  about  it,  th' 
tariff  was  far  fr'm  bein'  th'  wan  an'  emacy- 
ated  crather  ye'd  like  to  see  comin'  out  iv 
th'  Sinit  chamber.  It  won't  have  to  be 
helped  onto  ye'er  back  an'  ye  won't  notice 
anny  reduction  in  its  weight.  No,  sir,  I 
shudden't  be  surprised  if  it  was  heartier 
thin  iver. 

"Me  congressman  sint  me  a  copy  iv  th' 
tariff  bill  th'  other  day.  He's  a  fine  fellow, 
that  congressman  iv  mine.  He  looks  afther 
me  inthrests  well.  He  knows  what  a  gr-reat 
reader  I  am.  I  don't  care  what  I  read.  So 
he  sint  me  a  copy  iv  th'  tariff  bill  an'  I've 
been  studyin'  it  f'r  a  week.  'Tis  a  good 
piece  iv  summer  lithrachoor.  'Tis  full  iv 
action  an'  romance.  I  haven't  read  anny- 
think  to  akel  it  since  I  used  to  get  th'  Dead- 
wood  Dick  series. 

"I'm  in  favor  iv  havin'  it  read  on  th' 
Foorth  iv  July  instead  iv  th'  declaration  iv 


146  MR.  DOOLEY 

indypindance.  It  gives  ye  some  idee  iv  th' 
kind  iv  gloryous  governmint  we're  livin' 
undher,  to  see  our  fair  Columbia  puttin'  her 
brave  young  arms  out  an'  defindin'  th' 
products  iv  our  soil  fr'm  steel  rails  to  porous 
plasthers,  hooks  an'  eyes,  artyficial  horse 
hair  an'  bone  casings,  which  comes  undher 
th'  head  iv  clothin'  an'  I  suppose  is  a  polite 
name  f'r  pantaloons. 

"Iv  coorse,  low  people  like  ye,  Hinnissy, 
will  kick  because  it's  goin'  to  cost  ye  more 
to  indulge  ye'er  taste  in  ennervating  luxuries. 
D'ye  know  Sinitor  Aldhrich?  Ye  dont?  I'm 
surprised  to  hear  it.  He  knows  ye.  Why, 
he  all  but  mentions  ye'er  name  in  two  or 
three  places.  He  does  so.  'Tis  as  if  he 
said:  'This  here  vulgar  plutycrat,  Hinnissy, 
is  turnin'  th'  heads  iv  our  young  men  with 
his  garish  display.  Befure  this,  counthries 
have  perished  because  iv  th'  ostintation  iv  th' 
arrystocracy.  We  must  presarve  th'  ideels 
iv  American  simplicity.  We'll  show  this 
vulgar  upstart  that  he  can't  humilyate  his 
fellow  citizens  be  goin'  around  dhressed  up 


THE  TARIFF  147 

like  an  Asyatic  fav'rite  iv  th'  Impror  Neero, 
be  Hivens.  How  will  we  get  at  him? '  says 
he.  ' We'll  put  a  tax  iv  sixty  per  cent,  on 
ready  made  clothin'  costin'  less  thin  ten 
dollars  a  suit.  That'll  teach  him  to  squander 
money  wrung  fr'm  Jawn  D.  Rockyfellar  in 
th'  Roo  dilly  Pay.  We'll  go  further  thin 
that.  We'll  put  a  tax  iv  forty  per  cent,  on 
knitted  undherwear  costin'  less  thin  a  dollar 
twinty-five  a  dozen.  We'll  make  a  specyal 
assault  on  woolen  socks  an'  cowhide  shoes. 
We'll  make  an  example  iv  this  here  pampered 
babe  iv  fortune,'  says  he. 

"An'  there  it  is.  Ye  haven't  got  a  thing 
on  ye'er  back  excipt  ye'er  skin — an'  that 
may  be  there ;  I  haven't  got  as  far  as  th'  hide 
schedule  yet — that  ain't  mentioned  in  this 
here  boolwark  iv  our  liberties.  It's  ye'er 
own  fault.  If  ye  will  persist  in  wearin'  those 
gee-gaws  ye'll  have  to  pay  f'r  thim.  If  ye 
will  go  on  decoratin'  ye'er  house  with 
shingles  an'  paint  an'  puttin'  paper  on  th' 
walls  an'  adornin'  th'  inside  iv  it  with  ye'er 
barbaric  taste  f'r  eight  day  clocks,  cane  bot- 


148  MR.  DOOLEY 

torn  chairs  an'  karosene  lamps,  ye've  got 
to  settle,  that's  all.  Ye've  flaunted  ye'er 
wealth  too  long  in  th'  face  iv  a  sturdy  people. 

"Ye'd  think  th'  way  such  as  ye  talk  that 
ivrything  is  taxed.  It  ain't  so.  Tis  an 
insult  to  th'  pathritism  iv  Congress  to  say 
so.  Th'  Republican  party,  with  a  good 
deal  iv  assistance  fr'm  th'  pathriotic  Dimmy- 
crats,  has  been  thrue  to  its  promises.  Look 
at  th'  free  list,  if  ye  don't  believe  it.  Practi- 
cally ivrything  nicissry  to  existence  comes 
in  free.  What,  f'r  example,  says  ye?  I'll 
look.  Here  it  is.  Curling  stones.  There,  I 
told  ye.  Curling  stones  are  free.  Ye'll 
be  able  to  buy  all  ye'll  need  this  summer  f'r 
practically  nawthin'.  No  more  will  ladies 
comin'  into  this  counthry  have  to  conceal 
curling  stones  in  their  stockin's  to  avoid  th' 
iniquitous  customs. 

"What  else?  Well,  teeth.  Here  it  is 
in  th'  bill:  'Teeth  free  iv  jooty.'  Undher 
th'  Dingley  bill  they  were  heavily  taxed 
Onless  ye  cud  prove  that  they  had  cost  ye 
less  thin  a  hundhred  dollars,  or  that  ye  had 


THE  TARIFF  149 

worn  thim  f'r  two  years  in  Europe,  or  that 
ye  were  bringin'  thim  in  f'r  scientific  purposes 
or  to  give  a  museem,  there  was  an  enormous 
jooty  on  teeth.  Th'  Govemmint  used  to 
sind  profissyonal  humorists  down  to  th' 
docks  to  catch  th'  teeth  smugglers.  But 
fr'm  now  on  ye  can  flaunt  ye'er  teeth  in 
th'  face  iv  anny  inspictor.  Ye  don't  have  to 
declare  thim.  Ye  don't  have  to  put  thim 
in  th'  bottom  iv  ye'er  thrunk.  Ye  don't 
have  to  have  thim  chalked  or  labelled  befure 
ye  get  off  th'  dock.  Ye  don't  have  to  hand 
a  five  to  th'  inspictor  an'  whisper:  'I've 
got  a  few  bicuspids  that  I  picked  up  while 
abroad.  Be  a  good  fellow  an'  let  me  through.' 
No,  sir,  teeth  are  free. 

"What  other  nicissities,  says  ye?  Well, 
there's  sea  moss.  That's  a  good  thing. 
Ivry  poor  man  will  apprecyate  havin'  sea 
moss  to  stir  in  his  tea.  Newspapers,  nuts, 
an'  nux  vomica  ar-re  free.  Ye  can  take  th' 
London  Times  now.  But  that  ain't  all  by 
anny  means.  They've  removed  th'  jooty  on 
Pulu.    I  didn't  think  they'd  go  that  far,  but 


150  MR.  DOOLEY 

in  spite  iv  th'  protests  iv  th'  Pulu  foundhries 
iv  Sheboygan  they  ruthlessly  sthruck  it  fr'm 
th'  list  iv  jootyable  articles.  Ye  know  what 
Pulu  is,  iv  coorse,  an'  I'm  sure  ye'll  be  glad 
to  know  that  this  refreshin'  bev'rage  or 
soap  is  on  th'  free  list.  Sinitor  Root  in  be- 
half iv  th'  pulu  growers  iv  New  York  ob- 
jicted,  but  Sinitor  Aldhrich  was  firm.  'No, 
sir,'  he  says,  'we  must  not  tax  annything 
that  enters  into  th'  daily  life  iv  th'  poor,'  he 
says.  'While  not  a  dhrinkin'  man  mesilf,  I 
am  no  bigot,  an'  I  wud  not  deny  anny  ar- 
tisan his  scuttle  iv  pulu,'  he  says.  So  pulu 
was  put  on  th'  free  list,  an'  iv  coorse  Zapper 
an'  Alazarin  had  to  go  on,  too,  as  it  is  on'y 
be  addin'  thim  to  pulu  that  ye  can  make 
axle-grease. 

"There  was  a  gr-reat  sthruggle  over  can- 
nary  bur-rd  seed.  Riprisintatives  iv  th' 
Chicago  packers  insisted  that  in  time  canary 
bur-rds  cud  be  taught  to  eat  pork  chops. 
Manny  sinitors  thought  that  th'  next  step 
wud  be  to  take  th'  duty  off  cuttle  fish  bone, 
an'  thus  sthrike  a  blow  at  th'  very  heart  iv 


THE  TARIFF  151 

our  protective  system.  But  Sinitor  Tillman, 
who  is  a  gr-reat  frind  iv  th'  canary  bur-rd  an' 
is  niver  seen  without  wan  perched  on  his 
wrist,  which  he  has  taught  to  swear,  put  up 
a  gallant  fight  f'r  his  protegees,  an'  thousands 
iv  canary  bur-rds  sang  with  a  lighter  heart 
that  night.  Canary  bur-rd  seed  will  be  very 
cheap  this  year,  an'  anny  American  wur- 
rukin'  man  needn't  go  to  bed  hungry.  There 
ought  to  be  some  way  iv  teachin'  their 
wives  how  to  cook  it.  It  wud  make  a 
nourishin'  dish  whin  ye  have  whetted  ye'er 
face  on  a  piece  iv  cuttle  fish  bone.  I'm 
sure  th'  raison  American  wurrukin'  men 
don't  hop  around  an'  sing  over  their  wurruk 
is  because  they  are  improperly  fed. 

"Yes,  sir,  canary  bur-rd  seed  is  free.  What 
else?  Lookin'  down  th'  list  I  see  that  divvy- 
divvy  is  free  also.  This  was  let  in  as  a  com- 
pliment to  Sinitor  Aldhrich.  It's  his  motto. 
Be  th'  inthraduction  iv  this  harmless  dhrug 
into  th'  discussion  he's  been  able  to  get  a 
bill  through  that's  satisfacthry  to  ivrywan. 
But  I  am  surprised  to  see  that  spunk  is  on 


152  MR.  DOOLEY 

th'  free  list.  Is  our  spunk  industhree  dead? 
Is  there  no  pathrite  to  demand  that  we  be 
proticted  against  th'  pauper  spunk  iv  Eu- 
rope? Maybe  me  frind  Willum  Taft  had  it 
put  on  th'  free  list.  I  see  in  a  pa-aper  th' 
other  day  that  what  was  needed  at  th'  White 
house  was  a  little  more  spunk.  But  does 
he  have  to  import  it  fr'm  abroad,  I  ask  ye? 
Isn't  there  enough  American  spunk? 

"Well,  sir,  there  are  a  few  iv  th'  things 
that  are  on  th'  free  list.  But  there  are  others, 
mind  ye.  Here's  some  iv  thim:  Apatite, 
hog  bristles,  wurruks  iv  art  more  thin  twinty 
years  old,  kelp,  marshmallows,  life  boats, 
silk  worm  eggs,  stilts,  skeletons,  turtles,  an' 
leeches.  Th'  new  tariff  bill  puts  these  famil- 
yar  commodyties  within  th'  reach  iv  all. 
But  there's  a  bigger  surprise  waitin'  for  ye. 
What  d'ye  think  ends  th'  free  list?  I'll 
give  ye  twinty  chances  an'  ye'll  niver  guess. 
Blankets?  No.  Sugar?  Wrong.  Flannel 
shirts?  Thry  to  be  a  little  practical,  Hin- 
nissy.  Sinitor  Aldhrich  ain't  no  majician. 
Well,  I  might  as  well  tell  ye  if  ye're  sure 


THE  TARIFF  153 

ye'er  heart  is  sthrong  an'  ye  can  stand  a 
joyful  surprise.  Ar-re  ye  ready?  Well,  thin, 
joss  sticks  an'  opyum  f'r  smokin'  ar-re  on 
th'  free  list!  If  they  ain't  I'm  a  Chinyman 
an'  if  they  are  I'll  be  wan  pretty  soon. 

"How  often  have  I  envied  Hop  Lung  whin 
I  see  him  burnin'  his  priceless  joss  sticks. 
How  often  have  I  seen  him  lyin'  on  top  iv 
me  week's  washin'  pullin'  away  at  th'  savry 
rooster  brand  an'  dhreamin'  he  was  th' 
Impror  iv  Chiny,  while  I've  had  to  contint 
mesilf  with  a  stogy  that  give  me  a  head- 
ache! But  that  day  is  passed.  Me  good  an' 
great  frind  fr'm  Rhode  Island  has  made  me 
th'  akel  iv  anny  Chink  that  iver  rolled  a  pill. 
Th'  tariff  bill  wudden't  be  complete  without 
that  there  item.  But  it  ought  to  read: 
'Opyum  f'r  smokin'  while  readin'  th'  tariff 
bill.'  Ye  can  take  this  sterlin'  piece  iv 
lithrachoor  to  a  bunk  with  ye  an'  light  a  ball 
iv  hop.  Befure  ye  smoke  up  p'raps  ye  can't 
see  where  th'  tariff  has  been  rejooced.  But 
afther  ye've  had  a  long  dhraw  it  all  becomes 
clear  to  ye.     Ye'er  worries  about  th'  chil- 


154  MR.  DOOLEY 

dhren's  shoes  disappear  an'  ye  see  ye'ersilf 
floatin'  over  a  purple  sea  iv  alazarin,  in 
ye'er  private  yacht,  lulled  be  th'  London 
Times,  surrounded  be  wurruks  iv  art  more 
thin  twinty  years  old,  atin'  marshmallows 
an7  canary  bur-rd  seed,  while  th'  turtles  an' 
leeches  frisk  on  th'  binnacle. 

"Well,  sir,  if  nobody  else  has  read  th'  de- 
bates on  th'  tariff  bill,  I  have.  An'  I'll  tell 
ye,  Hinnissy,  that  no  such  orathry  has  been 
heerd  in  Congress  since  Dan'l  Webster's 
day,  if  thin.  Th'  walls  iv  Congress  hall  has 
resounded  with  th'  loftiest  sintimints.  Hin- 
nery  Cabin  Lodge  in  accents  that  wud  melt 
th'  heart  iv  th'  coldest  mannyfacthrer  iv 
button  shoes  has  pleaded  f'r  freedom  f'r  th' 
skins  iv  cows.  I'm  sorry  to  say  that  this 
appeal  fr'm  th'  cradle  iv  our  liberties  wasn't 
succissful.  Th'  hide  iv  th'  pauperized  kine 
iv  Europe  will  have  to  cough  up  at  th'  cus- 
tom house  befure  they  can  be  convarted 
into  brogans.  This  pathriotic  result  was 
secured  be  th'  gallant  Bailey  iv  Texas.  A 
fine  lib'ral  minded  fellow,  that  lad  Bailey. 


THE  TARIFF  155 

He's  an  ardint  free  thrader,  mind  ye. 
He's  almost  a  slave  to  th'  historic  principles 
iv  th'  Dimmycratic  party.  Ye  bet  he  is. 
But  he's  no  blamed  bigot.  He  can  have 
principles  an'  he  can  lave  thim  alone.  An' 
I  want  to  tell  ye,  me  frind,  that  whin  it  comes 
to  disthributin'  th'  honors  f'r  this  reform  iv 
th'  tariff,  don't  ye  fail  to  throw  a  few  flowers, 
or,  if  bricks  are  handier,  bricks  at  th'  ripri- 
sintatives  iv  our  small  but  gallant  party.  It 
was  a  fine  thing  to  see  thim  standin'  be  th' 
battle  cry  iv  our  grand  old  organyzation. 

"Says  th'  sinitor  fr'm  Louisyanny:  'Lou- 
isyanny,  th'  proudest  jool  in  th'  dyadimiv 
our  fair  land,  remains  thrue  to  th'  honored 
teachin's  iv  our  leaders.  Th'  protictive 
tariff  is  an  abomynation.  It  is  crushin'  out 
th'  lives  iv  our  people.  An'  wan  iv  th'  worst 
parts  iv  this  divvlish  injine  iv  tyranny  is 
th'  tariff  on  lathes.  Fellow  sinitors,  as  long,' 
he  says,  'as  I  can  stand,  as  long  as  nature 
will  sustain  me  in  me  protest,  while  wan 
dhrop  iv  pathriotic  blood  surges  through 
me  heart,  I  will  raise  me  voice  again  a  tariff 


156  MR.  DOOLEY 

on  lathes,  onless/  he  says,  'this  dhread  im- 
ply mint  iv  oppressyon  is  akelly  used/  he 
says,  'to  protict  th'  bland  an'  beautiful  mo- 
lasses iv  th'  State  iv  me  birth/  he  says. 

"  'I  am  heartily  in  sympathy  with  th' 
sinitor  fr'm  Louisyanny/  says  th'  sinitor 
fr'm  Virginya.  'I  loathe  th'  tariff.  Fr'm 
me  arliest  days  I  was  brought  up  to  look 
on  it  with  pizenous  hathred.  At  manny  a 
con-vintion  ye  cud  hear  me  whoopin'  again 
it.  But  if  there  is  such  a  lot  iv  this  mon- 
sthrous  iniquity  passin'  around,  don't  Vir- 
ginya get  none?  How  about  th'  mother  iv 
prisidents?  Ain't  she  goin'  to  have  a  grab 
at  annything?  Gintlemen,  I  do  not  ask,  I 
demand  rights  f'r  me  commonwealth.  I  will 
talk  here  ontil  July  fourth,  nineteen  hun- 
dhred  an'  eighty-two,  agin  th'  proposed 
hellish  tax  on  feather  beds  onless  somethin' 
is  done  f'r  th'  tamarack  bark  iv  old  Vir- 
ginya.' 

"A  sinitor:     'What's  it  used  f'r?' 
"Th'   sinitor   fr'm   Virginya:    'I   do  not 
quite  know.     It  is  ayether  a  cure  f'r  th' 


THE  TARIFF  157 

hives  or  enthers  largely  into  th'  mannyfac- 
ture  iv  carpet  slippers.  But  there's  a  frind 
iv  mine,  a  lile  Virginyan,  who  makes  it  an' 
he  needs  th'  money.' 

"  'Th'  argymints  iv  th'  sinitor  fr'm  Vir- 
ginya  are  onanswerable,'  says  Sinitor  Al- 
dhrich.  '  Wud  it  be  agreeable  to  me  Dimmy- 
cratic  collague  to  put  both  feather  beds  an' 
his  what's-ye-call-it  in  th'  same  item?' 

"  'In  such  circumstances/  says  th'  sin- 
itor fr'm  Virginya,  'I  wud  be  foorced  to 
waive  me  almost  insane  prejudice  again  th' 
hellish  docthrines  iv  th'  distinguished  sini- 
tor fr'm  Rhode  Island,'  says  he. 

"An'  so  it  goes,  Hinnissy.  Niver  a  sordid 
wurrud,  mind  ye,  but  ivrything  done  on  th' 
fine  old  principle  iv  give  an'  take." 

"Well,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy,  "what  diff'- 
rence  does  it  make?  Th'  foreigner  pays  th' 
tax,  annyhow." 

"He  does,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "if  he  ain't 
turned  back  at  Castle  Garden." 


THE  BIG  FINE 

"That  was  a  splendid  fine  they  soaked 
Jawn  D.  with/'  said  Mr.  Dooley. 

"What  did  they  give  him?"  asked  Mr. 
Henness}?-. 

"Twinty-nine  millyon  dollars/'  said  Mr. 
Dooley. 

"Oh,  great!"  said  Mr.  Hennessy.  "That's 
a  grand  fine.  It's  a  gorjous  fine.  I  can't 
hardly  believe  it." 

"It's  thrue,  though,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 
"Twinty-nine  millyon  dollars.  Divvle  th' 
cent  less.  I  can't  exactly  make  out  what  th' 
charge  was  that  they  arrested  him  on,  but 
th'  gin'ral  idee  is  that  Jawn  D.  was  goin' 
around  loaded  up  to  th'  guards  with  Stand- 
ard He,  exceedin'  th'  speed  limit  in  acquirin' 
money,  an'  singin'  'A  charge  to  keep  I 
have '  till  th'  neighbors  cud  stand  it  no  longer. 

158 


THE  BIG  FINE  159 

The  judge  says:  'Ye're  an  old  offender 
an'  I'll  have  to  make  an  example  iv  ye. 
Twinty-nine  millyon  dollars  or  fifty-eight 
millyon  days.  Call  th'  next  case,  Misther 
Clerk. 

"Did  he  pay  th'  fine?  He  did  not.  Iv 
coorse  he  cud  if  he  wanted  to.  He  wuddent 
have  to  pawn  annything  to  get  th'  money, 
ye  can  bet  on  that.  All  he'd  have  to  do 
would  be  to  put  his  hand  down  in  his  pocket, 
skin  twinty-nine  millyon  dollar  bills  off  iv 
his  roll  an'  hurl  thim  at  th'  clerk.  But  he 
refused  to  pay  as  a  matter  iv  principle. 
'Twas  not  that  he  needed  th'  money.  He 
don't  care  f'r  money  in  th'  passionate  way 
that  you  an'  me  do,  Hinnissy.  Th'  likes  iv  us 
are  as  crazy  about  a  dollar  as  a  man  is  about 
his  child  whin  he  has  on'y  wan.  Th'  chances 
are  we'll  spoil  it.  But  Jawn  D.,  havin'  a 
large  an'  growin'  fam'ly  iv  dollars,  takes 
on'y  a  kind  iv  gin'ral  inthrest  in  thim.  He's 
issued  a  statement  sayin'  that  he's  a  cus- 
tojeen  iv  money  appinted  be  himsilf.  He 
looks  afther  his  own  money  an'  th'  money 


160  MR.  DOOLEY 

iv  other  people.  He  takes  it  an'  puts  it 
where  it  won't  hurt  thim  an'  they  won't 
spoil  it.  He's  a  kind  iv  a  society  f'r  th'  pre- 
vintion  of  croolty  to  money.  If  he  finds  a 
man  misusing  his  money  he  takes  it  away 
fr'm  him  an'  adopts  it.  Ivry  Saturdah  night 
he  lets  th'  man  see  it  f'r  a  few  hours.  An' 
he  says  he's  surprised  to  find  that  whin,  with 
th'  purest  intintions  in  th'  wurruld,  he  is 
found  thryin'  to  coax  our  little  money  to  his 
home  where  it'll  find  conjanial  surroundings 
an'  have  other  money  to  play  with,  th'  peo- 
ple thry  to  lynch  him  an'  th'  polis  arrest 
him  f'r  abduction. 

"So  as  a  matther  iv  principle  he  appealed 
th'  case.  An  appeal,  Hinnissy,  is  where  ye 
ask  wan  coort  to  show  it's  contempt  f'r 
another  coort.  'Tis  sthrange  that  all  th' 
pathrites  that  have  wanted  to  hang  Willum 
Jennings  Bryan  an'  mesilf  f'r  not  showin' 
proper  respect  f'r  th'  joodicyary,  are  now 
showin'  their  respect  fr  th'  joodicyary  be 
appealin'  fr'm  their  decisions.  Ye'd  think 
Jawn  D.  wud  bow  his  head  reverentially  in 


THE  BIG  FINE  161 

th'  awful  presence  iv  Kenesaw  Mt.  Landis 
an'  sob  out:  'Thank  ye'er  honor.  This  here 
noble  fine  fills  me  with  joy.  But  d'ye  think 
ye  give  me  enough?  If  agreeable  I'd  like 
to  make  it  an  even  thirty  millyons.'  But 
he  doesn't.  He's  like  mesilf.  Him  an'  me 
bows  to  th'  decisions  iv  th'  coorts  on'y  if 
they  bow  first. 

"I  have  gr-reat  respect  f'r  th'  joodicyary, 
as  fine  a  lot  iv  cross  an'  indignant  men  as 
ye'll  find  annywhere.  I  have  th'  same  re- 
spect f'r  thim  as  they  have  f'r  each  other. 
But  I  niver  bow  to  a  decision  iv  a  judge  on- 
less,  first,  it's  pleasant  to  me,  an',  second, 
other  judges  bow  to  it.  Ye  can't  be  too 
careful  about  what  decisions  ye  bow  to.  A 
decision  that  seems  agreeable  may  turn  out 
like  an  acquaintance  ye  scrape  up  at  a  picnic. 
Ye  may  be  ashamed  iv  it  to-morrah.  Man- 
ny's th'  time  I've  bowed  to  a  decree  iv  a 
coort  on'y  to  see  it  go  up  gayly  to  th'  su- 
preem  coort,  knock  at  th'  dure  an'  be  kicked 
down  stairs  be  an  angry  old  gintleman  in  a 
black  silk  petticoat.     A  decree  iv  th'  coort 


162  MR.  DOOLEY 

has  got  to  be  pretty  vinrable  befure  I  do 
more  thin  greet  it  with  a  pleasant  smile. 

"Me  idee  was  whin  I  read  about  Jawn 
D.'s  fine  that  he'd  settle  at  wanst,  payin' 
twinty-eight  mill  yon  dollars  in  millyon  dol- 
lar bills  an'  th'  other  millyon  in  chicken-feed 
like  ten  thousand  dollar  bills  just  to  annoy 
th'  clerk.  But  I  ought  to've  known  betther. 
Manny's  th'  time  I've  bent  me  proud  neck 
to  a  decision  iv  a  coort  that  lasted  no  longer 
thin  it  took  th'  lawyer  f'r  th'  definse  to  call 
up  another  judge  on  th'  tillyphone.  A  judge 
listens  to  a  case  f'r  days  an'  hears,  while  he's 
figurin'  a  possible  goluf  score  on  his  blotting 
pad,  th'  argymints  iv  two  or  three  lawyers 
that  no  wan  wud  dare  to  offer  a  judgeship  to. 
Gin'rally  speakin',  judges  are  lawyers.  They 
get  to  be  judges  because  they  have  what 
Hogan  calls  th'  joodicyal  timp'ramint,  which 
is  why  annybody  gets  a  job.  Th'  other  kind 
people  won't  take  a  job.  They'd  rather 
take  a  chance.  Th'  judge  listens  to  a  case 
f'r  days  an'  decides  it  th'  way  he  intinded 
to.     D'ye  find  th'  larned  counsel  that's  just 


THE  BIG  FINE  163 

been  beat  climbin'  up  on  th'  bench  an' 
thro  win'  his  arms  around  th'  judge?  Ye  bet 
ye  don't.  He  gathers  his  law  books  into  his 
arms,  gives  th'  magistrate  a  look  that  means, 
'There's  an  eliction  next  year',  an'  runs 
down  th'  hall  to  another  judge.  Th'  other 
judge  hears  his  kick  an'  says  he:  'I  don't 
know  annything  about  this  here  case  ex- 
cept what  ye've  whispered  to  me,  but  I 
know  me  larned  collague  an'  I  wuddent 
thrust  him  to  referee  a  roller-skatin'  contest. 
Don't  pay  th'  fine  till  ye  hear  fr'm  me.' 
Th'  on'y  wan  that  bows  to  th'  decision  is 
th'  fellow  that  won,  an'  pretty  soon  he  sees 
he's  made  a  mistake,  f'r  wan  day  th'  other 
coort  comes  out  an'  declares  that  th'  decision 
of  th'  lower  coort  is  another  argymint  in 
favor  iv  abolishing  night  law  schools. 

"  That's  th'  way  Jawn  D.  felt  about  it  an' 
he  didn't  settle.  I  wondher  will  they  put 
him  away  if  he  don't  pay  ivinchooly?  'Twill 
be  a  long  sentence.  A  frind  iv  mine  wanst 
got  full  iv  kerosene  an'  attempted  to  juggle 
a  polisman.    They  thried  him  whin  he  come 


164  MR.  DOOLEY 

out  iv  th'  emergency  hospital  an'  fined  him 
a  hundhred  dollars.  He  didn't  happen  to 
have  that  amount  with  him  at  th'  moment 
or  at  anny  moment  since  th'  day  he  was 
born.  But  the  judge  was  very  lenient  with 
him.  He  said  he  needn't  pay  it  if  he  cud- 
den't.  Th'  coort  wud  give  him  a  letther  of 
inthroduction  to  th'  bridewell  an'  he  cud 
stay  there  f'r  two  hundhred  days.  At  that 
rate  it'll  be  a  long  time  befure  Jawn  D.  an' 
me  meet  again  on  the  goluf-links.  Hogan 
has  it  figured  out  that  if  Jawn  D.  refuses  to 
go  back  on  his  Puritan  principles  an'  sep- 
arate himsilf  fr'm  his  money  he'll  be  wan 
hundhred  an'  fifty-eight  thousand  years  in 
cold  storage.  A  man  ought  to  be  pretty 
good  at  th'  lock  step  in  a  hundhred  an' 
fifty-eight  thousand  years. 

"Well,  sir,  glory  be  but  times  has  changed 
whin  they  land  me  gr-reat  an'  good  frind 
with  a  fine  that's  about  akel  to  three  millyon 
dhrunk  an'  disorderly  cases.  'Twud've  been 
cheaper  if  he'd  took  to  dhrink  arly  in  life. 
I've  made  a  vow,  Hinnissy,  niver  to  be  very 


THE  BIG  FINE  165 

rich.  I'd  like  to  be  a  little  rich,  but  not  rich 
enough  f'r  anny  wan  to  notice  that  me  pockets 
bulged.  Time  was  whin  I  dhreamed  iv  hav- 
in'  money  an'  lots  iv  it.  'Tis  thrue  I  begun 
me  dhreams  at  th'  wrong  end,  spent  th' 
money  befure  I  got  it.  I  was  always  clear 
about  th'  way  to  spend  it  but  oncertain 
about  th'  way  to  get  it.  If  th'  Lord  had  in- 
tended me  to  be  a  rich  man  He'd've  turned 
me  dhreams  around  an'  made  me  clear 
about  makin'  th'  money  but  very  awkward 
an'  shy  about  gettin'  rid  iv  it.  There  are 
two  halves  to  ivry  dollar.  Wan  is  knowin' 
how  to  make  it  an'  th'  other  is  not  knowin' 
how  to  spend  it  comfortably.  Whin  I  hear 
iv  a  man  with  gr-reat  business  capacity  I 
know  he's  got  an  akel  amount  iv  spending 
incapacity.  No  matter  how  much  he  knew 
about  business  he  wuddent  be  rich  if  he 
wasn't  totally  ignorant  iv  a  science  that  we 
have  developed  as  far  as  our  means  will  al- 
low. But  now,  I  tell  ye,  I  don't  dhream  iv 
bein'  rich.  I'm  afraid  iv  it.  In  th'  good 
old  days  th'  polis  coorts  were  crowded  with 


166  MR.  DOOLEY 

th'  poor.  They  weren't  charged  with  pover- 
ty, iv  coorse,  but  with  the  results  iv  poverty, 
d'ye  mind.  Now,  be  Hivens,  th'  rich  have 
invaded  even  th'  coorts  an'  the  bridewell. 
Manny  a  face  wearin'  side  whiskers  an'  gold 
rimmed  specs  peers  fr'm  th'  windows  iv  th' 
black  Maria.  '  What's  this  man  charged 
with?'  says  th'  coort.  'He  was  found  in 
possession  iv  tin  millyon  dollars,'  says  th' 
polisman.  An'  th'  judge  puts  on  th'  black 
cap." 

"Well,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy,  "'tis  time 
they  got  what  was  comin'  to  thim." 

"I'll  not  say  ye're  wrong,"  said  Mr.  Doo- 
ley.  "I  see  th'  way  me  frind  Jawn  D.  feels 
about  it.  He  thinks  he's  doin'  a  great  sar- 
vice  to  th'  worruld  collectin'  all  th'  money 
in  sight.  It  might  remain  in  incompetint 
hands  if  he  didn't  get  it.  'Twud  be  a  shame 
to  lave  it  where  it'd  be  misthreated.  But 
th'  on'y  throuble  with  Jawn  is  that  he  don't 
see  how  th'  other  fellow  feels  about  it.  As 
a  father  iv  about  thirty  dollars  I  want  to 
bring  thim  up  mesilf  in  me  own  foolish  way. 


THE  BIG  FINE  167 

I  may  not  do  what's  right  be  thim.  I  may 
be  too  indulgent  with  thim.  Their  home 
life  may  not  be  happy.  Perhaps  'tis  clear 
that  if  they  wint  to  th'  Rockyfellar  institu- 
tion f'r  th'  care  iv  money  they'd  be  in  bet- 
ther  surroundings,  but  whin  Jawn  thries  to 
carry  thim  off  I  raise  a  cry  iv  'Palis/  a  mob 
iv  people  that  niver  had  a  dollar  iv  their  own 
an'  niver  will  have  wan,  pounce  on  th'  mis- 
guided man,  th'  polis  pinch  him,  an'  th'  gov- 
ernmint  condemns  th'  institution  an'  lets  out 
th'  inmates  an'  a  good  manny  iv  thim  go  to 
th'  bad." 

"D'ye  think  he'll  iver  sarve  out  his  fine?" 
asked  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"I  don't  know,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "But  if 
.  if  he  does,  whin  he  comes  out  at  the  end  iv  a 
hundhred  an  fifty-eight  thousand  years  he'll 
find  a  great  manny  changes  in  men's  hats 
an'  th'  means  iv  transportation  but  not 
much  in  annything  else.  He  may  find  flyin' 
machines,  though  it'll  be  arly  f'r  thim,  but 
he'll  see  a  good  manny  people  still  walkin' 
to  their  wurruk." 


EXPERT  TESTIMONY 

" What's  an  expert  witness?"  asked  Mr. 
Hennessy. 

"An  expert  witness/'  said  Mr.  Dooley, 
"is  a  doctor  that  thinks  a  man  must  be  crazy 
to  be  rich.  That's  thrue  iv  most  iv  us,  but 
these  doctors  don't  mean  it  th'  way  I  do. 
Their  theery  is  that  annything  th'  rich  do 
that  ye  want  to  do  an'  don't  do  is  looney. 
As  between  two  men  with  money,  th'  wan 
with  most  money  is  craziest.  If  ye  want  a 
diploma  f'r  sanity,  Hinnissy,  th'  on'y  chance 
ye  have  iv  gettin'  it  is  to  commit  a  crime 
an'  file  an  invintory  iv  ye'er  estate  with  th' 
coort.  Ye'll  get  a  certy-ficate  iv  sanity  that 
ye'll  be  able  to  show  with  pride  whin  ye're 
let  out  iv  Joliet. 

"In  th'  old  davs  if  a  man  kilt  another 
man  he  took  three  jumps  fr'm  th'  scene  iv 

168 


EXPERT  TESTIMONY  169 

th'  disaster  to  th'  north  corrydor  iv  th' 
County  Jail.  That  still  goes  f'r  th'  poor  man. 
No  wan  has  thried  to  rob  him  iv  th' privilege 
won  f'r  him  be  his  ancestors  iv  bein'  quickly 
an'  completely  ha.nged.  A  photygraph  iv 
him  is  took  without  a  collar,  he's  yanked 
befure  an  awful  coort  iv  justice,  a  deef-mute 
lawyer  is  appinted  to  look  afther  his  in- 
thrests  an'  see  that  they  don't  suffer  be 
bein'  kept  in  th'  stuffy  atmosphere  iv  th' 
coortroom,  th'  State's  attorney  presints  a 
handsome  pitcher  iv  him  as  a  fiend  in  hu- 
man form,  th'  judge  insthructs  th'  jury  iv 
onprejudiced  jurors  in  a  hurry  to  get  home 
that  they  ar-re  th'  sole  judges  iv  th'  law  an' 
th'  fact,  th'  law  bein'  that  he  ought  to  be 
hanged  an'  th'  fact  bein'  that  he  will  be 
hanged,  an'  befure  our  proletory  frind 
comes  out  iv  his  thrance  he's  havin'  his  first 
thorough  fill-up  iv  ham  an'  eggs,  an'  th' 
clargy  ar-re  showin'  an  amount  iv  inthrest 
in  him  that  must  be  surprisin'  to  a  man  iv 
his  humble  station. 
"A  few  days  later  I  r-read  in  th'  pa-apers 


170  MR.  DOOLEY 

in  a  column  called  '  Brief  News  Jottings/ 
just  below  a  paragraph  about  th'  meetin'  iv 
th'  Dairyman's  Assocyation,  an  account  iv 
how  justice  has  pursooed  her  grim  coorse  in 
th'  case  iv  John  Adamowski.  An'  I'm  thank- 
ful to  know  that  th'  law  has  been  avinged, 
that  life  an'  property  again  ar-re  safe  ki  our 
fair  land  iv  freedom,  an'  that  th'  wretched 
criminal  lived  long  enough  to  get  all  he 
wanted  to  eat. 

"  Justice  is  all  a  poor  criminal  asks  f'r, 
an'  that's  what  he  gets.  He  don't  desarve  a 
anny  betther.  "lis  like  askin'  on'y  f'r  a  pair 
iv  dooces  in  a  car-d  game  an'  havin  to  bet 
thim.  If  I  done  wrong  I'd  say:  'Don't 
deal  me  anny  justice.  Keep  it  f'r  thim 
that  wants  it.  Undher  th'  circumstances  all 
I  ask  is  a  gr-reat  deal  iv  injustice  an'  much 
mercy.  I  do  not  ask  to  be  acquitted  be  a 
jury  iv  me  peers.  I  am  a  modest  man  an' 
I'll  accipt  me  freedom  fr'm  th'  humblest 
bailiff  in  th'  land.  I  do  not  care  to  come 
triumphant  out  iv  this  ordeel  an'  repoort 
other  cases  f'r  th'  newspa-apers.    All  I  ask 


EXPERT  TESTIMONY  171 

is  a  block's  start  an'  some  wan  holdin'  th' 
polisman's  coattails.  I  waive  me  right  to 
be  thried  be  an  incorruptible,  fair,  an'  on- 
prejudiced  Judge.  Give  me  wan  that's 
onfair  an'  prejudiced  an'  that  ye  can  slip 
somethin'  to. 

"No,  sir,  whin  a  man's  broke  an'  does 
something  wrong,  th'  on'y  temple  iv  justice 
he  ought  to  get  into  is  a  freight  car  goin' 
West.  Don't  niver  thrust  that  there  tough- 
lookin'  lady  with  th'  soord  in  her  hand  an' 
th'  handkerchief  over  her  eyes.  She  may  be 
blind,  though  I've  seen  thriles  where  she 
raised  th'  bandage  an'  winked  at  th'  au- 
jence — she  may  be  blind,  but  'tis  th'  fine 
sinse  iv  touch  she  has,  an'  if  ye  vinture 
into  her  lodgins  an'  she  goes  through  ye'er 
pockets  an'  finds  on'y  th'  pawnticket  f'r  th' 
watch  ye  stole  off  Hogan,  she  locks  th'  dure, 
takes  off  th'  handkerchief,  an'  goes  at  ye 
with  th'  soord. 

"But  suppose  ye  have  a  little  iv  th'  use- 
ful with  ye.  Ye  br-reak  into  Hogan's  house 
some  night  sufferin'  fr'm  an  incontrollable 


172  MR.  DOOLEY 

impulse  to  take  his  watch.  Don't  get  mad, 
now.  I'm  on'y  supposin'  all  this.  Ye  wud- 
den't  take  his  watch.  He  has  no  watch. 
Well,  he's  sound  asleep.  Ye  give  him  a  good 
crack  on  th'  head  so  he  won't  be  disturbed, 
an'  hook  th'  clock  fr'm  undher  th'  pillow. 
Th'  next  day  ye're  arristed.  Th'  pa-apers 
comes  out  with  th'  news:  'Haughty  sign 
iv  wealthy  fam'ly  steals  watch  fr'm  awful 
Hogan.  Full  account  iv  dhreadful  career  iv 
th'  victim.  Unwritten  law  to  be  invoked/ 
an'  there's  an  article  to  show  that  anny  wan 
has  a  right  to  take  Hogan's  watch,  that  he 
was  not  a  proper  man  to  have  th'  care  iv  a 
watch,  annyhow,  an'  that  ye  done  well  to 
hook  it.  This  is  always  th'  first  step  to'rd 
securin'  cold  justice  f'r  th'  rich.  Ye're  next 
ilicted  a  mimber  iv  nearly  all  th'  ministers' 
assocyations,  an'  finally,  in  ordher  that  th' 
law  may  be  enfoorced  without  regard  to 
persons,  an  expert  witness  is  hired  f'r  ye. 

"Th'  thrile  begins.  Ye  walk  in  with  a 
quick,  nervous  sthride  an'  set  th'  watch  be 
th'   coort  clock.     '  Ar-re  ye  guilty  or  not 


EXPERT  TESTIMONY  173 

guilty?'   says  th'  clerk.    'Guilty  an'  glad  iv 
it,'  says  ye'er  lawyer  amid  cheers  an'  hisses. 
'Have  ye  th'  watch  with  ye?'  says  th'  coort. 
'I  have/  says  th'  pris'ner,  smilin'  in  his  pe- 
culiar way.     'Lave  me  look  at  it,'  says  th' 
coort.    'I  will  not,'  says  the  pris'ner,  puttin' 
it   back   into   his  pocket.     'How  ar-re   ye 
goin'  to  defind  this  crook?'   says  th'  Judge. 
'We  ar-re  goin'  to  prove  that  at  th'  time  he 
committed  this  crime  he  was  insane,'  says  th' 
lawyer.    'I  object,'  says  th'  State's  attorney. 
'It  is  not  legal  to  inthrajooce  evidence  iv 
insanity  till  th'  proper  foundations  is  estab- 
lished.    Th'   defince   must   prove   that   th' 
pris'ner  has  money.     How  do  we  know  he 
isn't  broke  like  th'  rest  iv  us?'    Th'  coort: 
'How  much   money   have    ye   got?'    The 
pris'ner:    'Two  millyon  dollars,   but  I  ex- 
pect  more.'    Th'   coort:    'Objection   over- 
ruled.' 

"Th'  expert  is  called.  'Doctor,  what  ex- 
peeryence  have  ye  had  among  th'  head 
cures?'  'I  have  been  f'r  forty  years  in 
an  asylum.'     'As  guest  or  landlord?'    'As 


174  MR.  DOOLEY 

both.'  'Now,  doctor,  I  will  ask  you  a  ques- 
tion. Supposin'  this  prisoner  to  be  a  man 
with  a  whole  lot  iv  money,  an'  supposin'  he 
wint  to  this  house  on  th'  night  in  question, 
an'  suppose  it  was  snowin',  an'  suppose  it 
wasn't,  an'  suppose  he  turned  fr'm  th'  right 
hand  corner  to  th'  left  goin'  upstairs,  an' 
supposin'  he  wore  a  plug  hat  an'  a  pair  iv 
skates,  an'  supposin'  th'  next  day  was  Wins- 
day — '  'I  objict,'  says  th'  State's  attor- 
ney. 'Th'  statues,  with  which  me  larned 
frind  is  no  doubt  familiar,  though  I  be 
darned  if  he  shows  it,  f'rbids  th'  mention  iv 
th'  days  iv  th'  week.'  'Scratch  out  Wins- 
day  an'  substichoot  four  o'clock  in  Janoo- 
ary,'  says  th'  coort.  'Now,  how  does  th' 
sentence  r-read?'  'Th'  next  dav  was  four 
o'clock  in  Janooary — an'  supposin'  th'  amount 
iv  money,  an'  supposin'  ye  haven't  got  a 
very  large  salary  holdin'  th'  chair  iv  con- 
niption fits  at  th'  college,  an'  supposin'  ye 
don't  get  a  cent  onless  ye  answer  r-right,  I 
ask  ye,  on  th'  night  in  question  whin  th' 
pris'ner  grabbed  th'  clock,  was  he  or  was  he 


EXPERT  TESTIMONY  175 

not  funny  at  th'  roof?'  'I  objict  to  th' 
form  iv  question/  says  t"i'  State's  attorney. 
'In  th'  eighth  sintince  I  move  to  sthrike  out 
th'  wurrud  "and"  as  unconstitutional,  un- 
profissyonal,  an'  conthry  to  th'  laws  iv 
evidence/  'My  Gawd,  has  my  clint  no 
rights  in  this  coort? '  says  th'  other  lawyer. 
'Ye  bet  he  has,'  says  th'  coort.  'We'll 
sthrike  out  th'  wurrud  "and"  but  we'll 
substichoot  th'  more  proper  wurrud  "aloof- 
ness." 

"  'Did  ye  see  th'  pris'ner  afther  his  ar- 
rest?' 'I  did.'  'Where?'  'In  th' pa-apers.' 
'What  was  he  doin'?'  'His  back  was 
tur-rned.'  'What  did  that  indicate  to  ye?' 
'That  he  had  been  sufferin'  fr'm  a  variety  iv 
tomaine  excelsis — '  'Greek  wurruds,'  says 
th'  coort.  'Latin  an'  Greek,'  says  th'  ex- 
pert. 'Pro-ceed,'  says  th'  coort.  'I  come  to 
th'  conclusion,'  says  th'  expert,  'that  th' 
man,  when  he  hooked  th'  watch,  was  suffer- 
in'  fr'm  a  sudden  tempest  in  his  head,  a 
sudden  explosion  as  it  were,  a  sudden  I 
don't  know-what-th'-diwle-it-was,  that  kind 


176  MR.  DOOLEY 

iv  wint  off  in  his  chimbley,  like  a  storm  at 
sea.'  'Was  he  in  anny  way  bug  befure 
th'  crime?'  'Not  a  bit.  He  su  Tered  fr'm 
warts  whin  a  boy,  which  sometimes  leads  to 
bozimbral  hoptocollographophiloplutomania, 
or  what  th'  Germans  call  tantrums,  but  me 
gin'ral  con-elusion  was  that  he  was  perfectly 
sane  all  his  life  till  this  minnyit,  an'  that  so 
much  sanity  wint  to  his  head  an'  blew  th' 
cover  off.' 

"  'Has  he  been  sane  iver  since?'  says  the 
lawyer.  'Ye'd  betther  have  a  care  how  ye 
answer  that  question,  me  boy,'  says  th' 
pris'ner,  carelessly  jingling  th'  loose  change 
in  his  pocket.  'Sane?'  says  th'  expert. 
'Well,  I  shud  think  he  was.  Why,  I  can 
hardly  imagine  how  he  stayed  feather- 
headed  long  enough  to  take  th'  villan's 
joolry.  Sane,  says  ye?  I  don't  mean  anny 
disrespect  to  th'  coort  or  th'  bar,  but  if  ye 
gintlemen  had  half  as  much  good  brains  in 
ye'er  head  as  he  has,  ye'd  not  be  wastin'  ye'er 
time  here.  There  ain't  a  man  in  this  coun- 
thry  th'   akel   iv  this  gr-reat  man.    Talk 


EXPERT  TESTIMONY  177 

about  Dan'l  Webster,  he  was  an  idyut  com- 
pared with  this  joynt  intelleck.  No,  sir, 
he's  a  fine,  thoughtful,  able,  magnificent 
specimen  iv  man  an'  has  been  iver  since  be- 
tween twelve  four  an'  twelve  four-an'-a-half 
on  that  fatal  night.  An'  a  good  fellow  at 
that.' 

"  'What  d'ye  propose  to  do  to  stand  this 
here  testymony  off?'  says  th'  Judge.  'I 
propose/  says  th'  State's  attorney,  '  to 
prove  be  some  rale  experts,  men  who  have 
earned  their  repytations  be  testifyin'  eight 
ways  fr'm  th'  jack  in  a  dozen  criminal  cases, 
that  so  far  fr'm  bein'  insane  on  this  partick- 
lar  night,  this  was  th'  on'y  time  that  he  was 
perfeckly  sane.'  'Oh,  look  here,  Judge/ 
says  Bedalia  Sassyfrass  iv  Th'  Daily  Fluff, 
'this  here  has  gone  far  enough.  Th'  man's 
not  guilty,  an'  if  ye  don't  want  a  few  re- 
marks printed  about  ye,  that'll  do  ye  no 
good,  ye'll  let  him  off.  "  Don't  pay  anny 
attintion  to  what  she  says,  Fitzy/  says  an- 
other lady.  'Her  decayed  newspa-aper  has 
no  more  circulation  thin  a  cucumber.     We 


178  MR.  DOOLEY 

expict  ye  to  follow  th'  insthructions  printed 
in  our  vallyable  journal  this  morninV 

"  'Sir,'  says  a  tall  man,  risin'  in  his  place, 
'I  am  th'  Riv'rend  Thompson  Jubb.'  'Not 
th'  notoryous  shepherd  iv  that  name?' 
'Th'  same,'  says  th'  Riv'rend  Jubb.  'That 
lowly  worker  in  th'  vineyard  iv  th'  Lord 
who  astonished  th'  wurruld  be  atin'  glass  in 
th'  pulpit  an'  havin'  th'  Bible  tattooed  on 
him.  I  wish  th'  privilege  iv  standin'  on  me 
head  an'  playin'  "A  charge  to  keep  I  have" 
on  the  accorjeen  with  me  feet.  'Granted,' 
says  th'  coort.  'I  will  now  charge  th'  jury 
as  to  th'  law  an'  th'  fact:  I  am  all  mixed 
up  on  th'  law;  th'  fact  is  there's  a  mob  out- 
side waitin'  to  lynch  ye  if  ye  don't  do  what 
it  wants.  Th'  coort  will  now  adjourn  be  th' 
back  dure.'  'Where's  th'  pris'ner?'  says 
th'  expert.  'He  has  gone  to  addhress  a 
mothers'  meetin','  says  th'  clerk.  'Thin  I 
must  be  goin'  too,'  says  th'  expert.  An' 
there  ye  ar-re." 

"I'm  glad  that  fellow  got  me  off,"  said 
Mr.  Hennessy,   "but  thim  experts  ar-re  a 


EXPERT  TESTIMONY  179 

bad  lot.    What's  th'  diff'rence  between  that 
kind  iv  tistymony  an'  perjury?" 

"Ye   pay   ye'er   money    an'    take   ye'er 
choice,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 


THE    CALL    OF    THE    WILD 

"Well,  sir/'  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "I  see  me 
frind  Tiddy  Rosenfelt  has  been  doin'  a  little 
lithry  criticism,  an'  th'  hospitals  are  full  iv 
mangled  authors.  Th'  next  time  wan  iv 
thim  nature  authors  goes  out  into  th'  woods 
lookin'  f'r  his  prey  he'll  go  on  crutches." 

"What's  it  about?"  asked  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"  'Twas  this  way,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "I 
have  it  fr'm  Hogan,  me  lithry  adviser.  He 
keeps  me  posted  on  what's  goin'  on  in 
lithrachoor,  an'  I  do  th'  same  f'r  him  on 
crime.  I've  always  got  a  little  something 
that's  excitin'  comin'  to  me,  but  this  time 
he's  made  good.  It  seems,  ye  see,  that  a 
good  manny  iv  th'  la-ads  that  write  th' 
books  have  been  lavin'  th'  route  iv  th'  throl- 
ley  line  an'  takin'  to  th'  woods.  They  quit 
Myrtle  an'  Clarence  an'  th'  wrong  done  to 

180 


THE  CALL  OF  THE  WILD       181 

Oscar  Lumlovitch  be  th'  brutal  foreman  iv 
lard  tank  nine,  an'  wint  to  wurruk  on  th' 
onhappy  love  affairs  iv  Carrie  Boo,  th'  deer, 
an'  th'  throubles  in  th'  domestic  relations 
iv  th'  pan  fish  an'  th'  skate.  F'r  th'  last 
year  th'  on'y  books  that  Hogan  has  told  me 
about  have  been  wrote  about  animiles.  I've 
always  thought  iv  th'  beasts  iv  th'  forest 
prowlin'  around  an'  takin'  a  leg  off  a  man 
that'd  been  sint  to  Colorado  f'r  his  lungs. 
But  these  boys  tell  me  they're  diff'rent  in 
their  home  life.  They  fall  in  love,  get  mar- 
rid  an'  divoorced,  bring  up  fam'lies,  an' 
are  supported  or  devoured  be  thim,  as  th' 
case  may  be,  accumylate  money,  dodge 
taxes,  dhrink  to  excess,  an'  in  ivry  way  act 
like  human  bein's.  I  wudden't  be  surprised 
to  know  that  a  bear  had  a  tillyphone  in  his 
room,  an'  that  th'  gopher  complained  iv 
his  gas  bills. 

"Ivry  time  I  go  up  into  th'  park  to  see 
me  old  frind  th'  illyphant  I  wondher  what 
dhreams  ar-re  goin'  on  behind  that  nose  iv 
his  that  he  uses  akelly  as  a  garden  hose,  a 


182  MR.  DOOLEY 

derrick,  or  a  knife  an'  fork.  Is  he  recallin' 
th'  happy  days  at  Barnum's  befure  brutal 
man  sunk  an  ice  pick  into  him  an'  dhrove 
him  to  th'  park?  Is  there  some  wan  still 
there  that  he  thinks  iv?  Is  she  alive,  is  she 
dead,  does  she  iver  dhream  iv  him  as  she  ates 
her  hay  an'  rubs  her  back  agin  th'  bars  iv 
her  gilded  cage?  There's  th'  hippypotamus. 
He  don't  look  to  be  full  iv  sintiment,  but 
ye  never  can  tell.  Manny  an  achin'  heart 
beats  behind  a  cold  an'  sloppy  exteeryor. 
Somewhere  in  sunny  Africa  a  loving  fam'ly 
may  be  waitin'  f'r  him.  Th'  wallow  at  th' 
riverside  is  there,  with  th'  slime  an'  ooze 
arranged  be  tinder  paws.  But  he  will  not 
return.  They  will  meet,  but  they  will  miss 
him,  there  will  be  wan  vacant  lair. 

"Well,  sir,  just  as  I'd  got  to  th'  frame  iv 
mind  whin  I'm  thinkin'  iv  askin'  that  gloomy 
lookin'  allygator  in  th'  park  up  to  spind  an 
avenin'  with  me,  along  comes  Tiddy  Rosen- 
felt  an'  says  there's  nawthin'  in  it.  It's 
hard  on  th'  boys.  They  ar-re  doin'  th'  best 
they  can.     Ye  can't  expect  an  author  to 


THE  CALL  OF  THE  WILD       183 

lave  his  comfortable  flat  an'  go  three  or 
four  thousand  miles  to  larn  whether  th' 
hero  iv  his  little  love  story  murdhers  his 
uncle  be  bitin'  him  abaft  th'  ear  or  be  fellin' 
him  with  a  half  Nelson  an'  hammer-lock. 
Why  should  he?  Who  wud  feed  th'  goold 
fish  while  he  was  gone? 

"No,  sir,  he  does  just  right.  Instead  iv 
venturin'  into  th'  wilds  an'  p'raps  bein' 
et  up  be  wan  iv  his  fav'rite  charackters,  he 
calls  f'r  some  tea  an'  toast,  jabs  his  pen  into 
th'  inkwell,  an'  writes:  'Vichtry  was  not 
long  in  th'  grasp  iv  th'  whale.  Befure  he 
cud  return  to  his  burrow  Tusky  Bicuspid 
had  seized  him  be  th'  tail  an'  dashed  his 
brains  out  agin  a  rock.  With  a  leap  in  th' 
air  th'  bold  wolf  put  to  rout  a  covey  iv 
muskrats,  those  evil  sojers  iv  fortune  that 
ar-re  seen  hoverin'  over  ivry  animile  battle- 
field. Wan  blow  iv  his  paw  broke  th'  back 
iv  th'  buffalo.  With  another  he  crushed  a 
monsthrous  sage  hen,  at  wanst  th'  most 
threacherous  an'  th'  hardiest  iv  th'  beasts 
iv  th'  wild.     Paralyzed  be  th'  boldness  iv 


184  MR.  DOOLEY 

th'  wolf,  th'  camel  an'  th'  auk  fled  fr'm 
th'  scene  iv  havoc,  as  is  their  wont.  All  that 
remained  iv  his  inimies  now  was  th'  cow, 
which  defied  him  fr'm  the  branches  iv  a  pine 
tree  an'  pelted  him  with  th'  monsthrous 
fruit  iv  this  cillybrated  viggytable.  Now, 
it  is  well  known  that  however  aven  they 
may  be  in  a  boording  house,  th'  wolf  is  no 
match  f'r  a  cow  in  a  tree.  But  this  was  no 
ordhinary  wolf.  As  he  heerd  th'  low  cry  iv' 
his  mate  he  was  indowed  with  th'  strength 
iv  a  thousand  piany  movers.  With  a  gesture 
iv  impatience  he  shed  his  coat,  f'r  it  was 
Spring,  childher,  an'  he  shud've  been  more 
careful;  he  shed  his  coat,  swiftly  climbed 
th'  tree  an'  boldly  advanced  on  th'  foe. 
His  inimy  give  th'  low  growl  iv  his  hated 
thribe.  How  manny  a  time  have  I  heerd 
it  in  Englewood  an'  shuddered  with  fear. 
But  th'  dauntless  Tusky  answered  back  with 
his  battle  song,  th'  long  chirp  iv  th'  wild 
wolf,  his  wife  accompanyin'  him  fr'm  th' 
foot  iv  th'  tree  on  a  sheep  bone.  With  wan 
spring  th'  inthrepid  wolf  sprang  at  his  inimy 


THE  CALL  OF  THE  WILD       185 

She  thried  to  sink  her  venomous  fangs  into 
his  wish-bone,  but  with  incredulous  swift- 
ness, he  back-heeled  an'  upper-cut  her,  swung 
left  to  body  an'  right  to  point  iv  jaw,  an' 
with  wan  last  grimace  iv  defiance  th'  gr-reat 
bulk  iv  th'  monsther  fell  tin  thousand  feet 
into  th'  roarin'  torrent  an'  took  th'  count. 
Tusky  heerd  th'  soft  love-note  iv  his  mate. 
She  was  eatin'  th'  whale.  He  hastily  de- 
scinded.    An'  so  peace  come  to  th'  jungle.' 

"That  sounds  all  right  to  me.  I  like  to 
see  th'  best  man  or  th'  best  animile  win.  An' 
I  want  to  see  him  win  good.  It  wudden't 
help  me  story  to  tell  about  Tusky  goin' 
home  with  wan  ear  gone  an'  his  eye  blacked, 
an'  tellin'  his  wife  that  he'd  just  about 
managed  to  put  wan  over  that  stopped 
another  wolf.  That's  what  usually  happens 
up  this  way,  an'  it  ain't  very  good  readin'. 
When  I  want  to  tell  a  story  that'll  inthrest 
me  frinds  I  give  it  to  thim  good.  Whin  I 
describe  me  fav'rite  hero,  Dock  Haggerty,  I 
tell  about  him  throwin'  wan  man  out  iv  th' 
window  an'  usin'  another  as  a  club  to  bate 


186  MR.  DOOLEY 

th'  remainin'  twelve  into  submission.  But 
if  I  had  to  swear  to  it,  an'  wasn't  on  good 
terms  with  th'  Judge,  I  wudden't  say  that 
I  iver  see  Dock  Haggerty  lick  more  than 
wan  man — at  a  time.  At  a  time,  mind  ye. 
He  might  take  care  iv  a  procession  iv  John- 
sons. But  he'd  be  in  throuble  with  a  couple 
iv  mimbers  iv  th'  Ethical  Culture  Society 
that  came  to  him  at  th'  same  moment.  'If 
iver  more  thin  wan  comes  at  wanst,'  says 
th'  Dock,  'I'm  licked/  he  says. 

"But  that  ain't  what  I  tell  late  at  night, 
an'  it  ain't  what  I  want  to  read.  Ye  bet 
it  ain't.  If  I  wint  over  to  a  book  store  an' 
blew  in  me  good  thirty-nine  cints  f'r  a  dol- 
lar-an'-a-half  book,  I'd  want  some  kind  iv 
a  hero  that  I  never  see  around  these  corners. 
Th'  best  day  I  iver  knew  Jawn  L.  Sullivan 
had  a  little  something  on  me.  I  won't  say 
it  was  much,  but  now  that  we're  both  re- 
tired, I'll  say  that  I'm  glad  I  niver  chal- 
lenged him.  But  I  wudden't  look  at  a  book, 
an'  I  wudden't  annyway,  but  I  wudden't 
let  Hogan  tell  me  about  a  hero  that  cud- 


THE  CALL  OF  THE  WILD       187 

den't  wear  an  overcoat  an'  rubber  boots, 
have  wan  arm  done  up  in  a  sling,  an'  some- 
thing th'  matther  with  th'  other,  blue  specta- 
tacles  on  his  eyes,  a  plug  hat  on  his  head, 
th'  aujeence  thro  win'  bricks  at  him,  an'  th' 
referee  usin'  a  cross-cut  saw  on  his  neck,  an' 
thin  make  two  hundher  an'  fifty  Jawn  L. 
Sullivans  establish  th'  new  record  f'r  th' 
leap  through  th'  window.  Whin  I  want  a 
hero,  I  want  a  good  wan.  I  don't  care 
whether  'tis  a  wolf,  a  sojer,  or  a  Prisident. 
It  all  comes  to  th'  same  thing — whether 
'tis  Hogan's  frind,  th'  Wolf  that  he's  been 
talkin'  about  f'r  a  year,  or  that  other  old 
frind  iv  his  that  he  used  to  talk  about — 
what  d'ye  call  him? — ah,  where's  me  mind 
goin'? — Ivanhoe. 

"But  Tiddy  Rosenfelt  don't  feel  that  way 
about  it.  He's  called  down  thim  nature 
writers  just  th'  same  way  he'd  call  me  down 
if  I  wint  befure  th'  fifth  grade  at  th'  Brothers' 
school  an'  told  thim  what  I  thought  wud 
inthrest  thim  about  Dock  Haggerty.  What 
does  he  say?    I'll  tell  ye.    'I  do  not  wish  to 


188  MR.  DOOLEY 

be  harsh/  says  he,  'but  if  I  wanted  to  char- 
acterize these  here  nature  writers,  I  wud 
use  a  much  shorter  an'  uglier  wurrud  thin 
liar,  if  I  cud  think  iv  wan,  which  I  cannot. 
Ye  take,  Pr  example,  What's-his-name.  Has 
this  man  iver  been  outside  iv  an  aviary? 
I  doubt  it.  Here  he  has  a  guinea  pig  killin' 
a  moose  be  bitin'  it  in  th'  ear.  Now  it  is 
notoryous  to  anny  lover  iv  th'  wilds,  anny 
man  with  a  fondness  Pr  these  monarchs  iv 
forests,  that  no  moose  can  be  kilt  be  a 
wound  in  th'  ear.  I  have  shot  a  thousand 
in  th'  ear  with  no  bad  effects  beyond  makin' 
thim  hard  iv  hearinV 

"'Here  is  a  book  befure  me  be  wan  iv 
these  alleged  nature  writers.  This  is  a  man 
whose  name  is  a  household  wurrud  in  Con- 
neticut.  His  books  are  used  in  th'  schools. 
An'  what  does  this  man,  who  got  his  knowl- 
edge iv  wild  beasts  apparently  fr'm  mis- 
treatin'  hens  Pr  th'  pip,  say;  what  is  his 
message  to  th'  little  babblin'  childher  iv 
Conneticut?  It  is  thim  that  I've  got  to  think 
iv.    Instead  iv  tellin'  thim  th'  blessed  truth, 


THE  CALL  OF  THE  WILD       189 

instead  iv  leadin'  thim  up  be  thurly  Christ- 
yan  teachin's  to  an  undherstandin'  iv  what 
is  right  an'  what  is  ideel  in  life,  he  poisons 
their  innocent  minds  with  th'  malicious,  pre- 
meditated falsehood — I  can't  think  iv  an 
uglier  or  shorter  wurrud  that  wud  go  with 
premeditated — that  th'  wolf  kills  th'  grizzly 
bear  be  sink  in'  its  hidyous  fangs  into  th' 
gapin'  throat  iv  its  prey.  How  can  honest 
citizens  an'  good  women  be  brought  up  on 
such  inf amyous  clocthrine?  Supposin'  a  bear 
shud  attack  Conneticut,  an'  th'  bells  shud 
ring  f'r  th'  citizens  to  arise,  an'  these  little 
darlings  shud  follow  this  false  prophet  an' 
run  out  in  their  nighties  an'  thry  to  leap  at 
his  throat.  Wudden't  the  bear  be  surprised? 
Wudden't  the  little  infants  be  surprised? 
Ye  bet  they  wud.  I  want  these  here  dar- 
lings to  know  th'  blessed  truth,  th'  softenin' 
an'  beautiful  truth  that  th'  on'y  way  f'r  a 
wolf  to  kill  a  bear  is  to  disembowel  him. 
There  is  no  other  way.  Th'  wolf  springs  at 
his  prey,  an'  with  wan  terrific  lunch  pries 
him  open.     No  wolf  cud  kill  a  bear  th'  way 


190  MR.  DOOLEY 

Willum  J.  Long  iv  Stamford  has  described. 
A  bear  has  th'  sthrongest  throat  iv  anny 
crather  in  th'  wurruld,  barrin'  Bryan.  Why, 
I  wud  hate  to  have  to  sthrangle  a  bear. 
I  did  wanst,  but  I  had  writer's  cramp  f'r 
months  aftherward.' 

"An'  that  settles  it.  Fr'm  now  on  ye  can 
get  anny  wan  iv  these  here  nature  writers 
be  callin'  up  four  iliven  eight  B,  Buena  Park. 
Th'  wild  animiles  can  go  back  to  their  daily 
life  iv  doin'  th'  best  they  can  an'  th'  worst 
they  can,  which  is  th'  same  thing  with  thim, 
manin'  get  what  ye  want  to  eat  an'  go  to 
sleep  with  ye'er  clothes  on.  But  some  wan 
ought  to  bring  out  a  new  nature  story.  I've 
thought  iv  chapter  twinty-eight :  'With 
wan  blow  iv  his  pen  he  laid  low,  but  not 
much  lower,  Orpheus  L.  Jubb,  th'  well- 
known  minichure  painter  who  has  taken  up 
nature  study.  With  another  he  disem- 
bowelled th'  Riv'rend  Doctor  Aleck  Guff, 
who  retired  fr'm  th'  Universalist  Church  be- 
cause he  cud  not  subscribe  to  their  heejous 
docthrines  about  th'  future  life,  an'  wrote 


THE  CALL  OF  THE  WILD       191 

his  cillybrated  book  on  wild  animiles  iv  th' 
West  fr'm  a  Brooklyn  car  window.  It  took 
on'y  a  moment  f'r  him  to  inflict  a  mortal 
wound  on  Seton-Thompson's  kodak.  An' 
Tiddy  Rosenfelt  stood  alone  in  th'  primeval 
forest.  Suddenly  there  was  a  sound  in  th' 
bushes.  He  loaded  his  pen,  an'  thin  give 
a  gasp  iv  relief,  f'r  down  th'  glade  come  his 
thrusted  ally,  John  Burroughs,  leadin'  cap- 
tive th'  pair  iv  wild  white  mice  that  had  so 
long  preyed  on  th'  counthry.' 

"An'  there  ye  ar-re,  Hinnissy.  In  me 
heart  I'm  glad  these  neefaryous  plots  iv 
Willum  J.  Long  an'  others  have  been  de- 
feated. Th'  man  that  tells  ye'er  blessed  chil- 
dher  that  th'  way  a  wild  goat  kills  an  owl  is 
be  pretendin'  to  be  an  alarum  clock,  is  an 
undesirable  citizen.  He  ought  to  be  put 
in  an  aquaryum.  But  take  it  day  in  an' 
day  out  an'  Willum  J.  Long  won't  give 
anny  information  to  ye'er  son  Packy  that'll 
deceive  him  much.  Th'  number  iv  carry- 
boo,  deers,  hippypotamuses,  allygators,  an' 
muskoxes   that    come    down    th'    Ar-rchey 


192  MR.  DOOLEY 

Road  in  th'  coorse  iv  a  year  wudden't  make 
annv  wan  buv  a  bow  an'  arrow.  It  don't 
make  near  as  much  difference  to  us  how  they 
live  as  it  does  to  thim  how  we  live.  They're 
goin'  an'  we're  comin',  an'  they  ought  to 
investygate  an'  find  out  th'  reason  why.  I 
suppose  they  don't  have  to  go  to  school  to 
larn  how  to  bite  something  that  they  dislike 
so  much  they  want  to  eat  it.  If  I  had  to 
bring  up  a  flock  iv  wild  childher  in  Ar-rchey 
Road,  I  wudden't  much  care  what  they 
larned  about  th'  thrue  habits  iv  th'  elk  or 
th'  chambok,  but  I'd  teach  thim  what  I  cud 
iv  th'  habits,  the  lairs,  an'  th'  bite  iv  th' 
polisman  on  th'  beat." 

"Well,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy,  "Tiddy  Ro- 
senfelt  is  right.  A  fellow  that  writes  books 
f'r  childher  ought  to  write  th'  truth." 

"Th'  little  preciouses  wudden't  read 
thim,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "Annyhow,  th' 
truth  is  a  tough  boss  in  lithrachoor.  He 
don't  pay  aven  boord  wages,  an'  if  ye  go  to 
wurruk  f'r  him  ye  want  to  have  a  job  on 
th'  side." 


THE  JAPANESE  SCARE 


a 


Did  ye  go  to  see  th'  Japs  whin  they 
were  here?"  asked  Mr.  Dooley. 

"I  did  not,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"Nor  I"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "I  was  afraid 
to.  They're  a  diwle  iv  a  sinsitive  people 
thim  Japs.  Look  cross-eyed  at  thim  an' 
they're  into  ye'er  hair.  I  stayed  away  fr'm 
th'  stock  yards  whin  me  frind  Gin'ral  Ar- 
mour was  showin'  Gin'ral  Kroky  some  rale 
slaughter.  I  didn't  dare  to  go  down  there 
f'r  fear  I'd  involve  this  fair  land  iv  ours  in 
war.  Supposin'  th'  haughty  little  fellow  was 
to  see  me  grinnin'  at  him.  A  smile  don't 
seem  th'  same  thing  to  an  Oryental  that  it  is 
to  us  Cowcassians.  He  might  think  I  was 
insultin'  him.  'Look  at  that  fellow  makin' 
faces  at  me/  says  he.  'He  ain't  makin' 
faces  at  ye/  says  th'  Mayor.  'That's  th' 
way  he  always  looks.'    'Thin  he  must  have 

193 


194  MR.  DOOLEY 

his  face  changed/  says  Kroky.  'If  he 
don't  I'll  appeal  to  th'  Mickydoo  an'  he'll 
divastate  this  boasted  raypublic  iv  ye'ers/ 
he  says,  'fr'm  sea  to  sea/  he  says. 

"Well,  what's  to  be  done  about  it?  I  can't 
change  me  face  an'  there's  no  legal  way  iv 
removin'  it.  Th'  Prisidint  writes  to  th' 
Gov'nor,  th'  Gov'nor  requests  th'  Sheriff, 
th'  Sheriff  speaks  to  th'  Mayor,  th'  Mayor 
desires  th'  Chief  iv  Polis,  th'  Chief  iv  Polis 
ordhers  th'  polisman  on  th'  beat,  an'  th' 
polisman  on  th'  beat  commands  me  to  take 
me  alarmin'  visage  out  iv  th'  public  view. 
Suppose  I  go  down  to  see  me  counsel,  Bar- 
rister Hogan.  He  tells  me  that  undher  th' 
rights  guaranteed  to  me  be  th'  Constitution, 
which  Gawd  defind  an'  help  in  these  here 
days,  an'  me  liquor  license,  I'm  entitled  to 
stick  me  tongue  in  me  cheek,  wink,  roll  up 
me  nose,  wiggle  me  hands  fr'm  me  ears,  bite 
me  thumb,  or  say  'Pooh'  to  any  black-an'- 
tan  I  meet. 

"Thin  what  happens?  Th'  first  thing  I 
know  a  shell  loaded  with  dynnymite  dhrops 


THE  JAPANESE  SCARE         195 

into  th'  lap  iv  some  frind  iv  mine  in  San 
Francisco;  a  party  iv  Japanese  land  in  Bos- 
ton an'  scalp  th'  wigs  off  th'  descindants  iv 
John  Hancock  an'  Sam  Adams;  an'  Tiddy 
Rosenfelt  is  discovered  undher  a  bed  with 
a  small  language  book  thryin'  to  larn  to 
say  'Spare  me'  in  th'  Jap'nese  tongue.  And 
me  name  goes  bouncin'  down  to  histhry  as 
a  man  that  brought  roon  to  his  counthry, 
an'  two  hundherd  years  fr'm  now  little 
childer  atin'  their  milk  with  chop  sticks  in 
Kenosha,  Wisconsin,  will  curse  me  f'r  me 
wickedness  instead  iv  blessin'  th'  mimry 
iv  a  man  that  done  so  much  to  keep  their 
fathers  fr'm  hurryin'  home  at  night.  So 
I  stayed  away.  F'r  a  moment  th'  peril  is 
over. 

"But  it  won't  be  f'r  long.  Ivry  mornin'  I 
pick  up  me  pa-aper  with  fear  an'  thremblin'. 
War  with  Japan  is  immynint.  'Tokyo,  June 
five — Th'  whole  nation  is  wild  with  excite- 
ment over  th'  misthreatment  iv  a  Jap'nese 
in  Los  Angeles,  an'  unless  an  apology  is 
forthcomin'  it  will  be  difficult  f'r  th'  Govern- 


196  MR.  DOOLEY 

mint  to  prevint  th'  navy  fr'm  shootin'  a 
few  things  at  ye.  Th'  people  iv  America 
shud  know  that  they  ar-re  at  th'  brink  iv 
war.  A  corryspondint  iv  th'  Daily  Saky, 
who  wurruks  in  an  old  porcylain  facthry  in 
Maine,  writes  that  this  famous  subjick  iv  th' 
Mickydoo,  whose  name  has  escaped  him  but 
who  had  a  good  job  in  a  livery  stable  in 
Tokyo  befure  he  was  sint  on  a  mission  to 
th'  American  people  to  see  what  he  cud  get, 
wint  into  an  all  night  resthrant  an'  demanded 
his  threaty  rights,  which  ar-re  that  th' 
waiter  was  to  tuck  his  napkin  into  his  collar 
an'  th'  bartinder  must  play  "Nippon  th' 
glory ous  "  on  a  mouth  organ.  Onforchinitely 
th'  proprietor  iv  th'  place,  a  man  be  th'  name 
iv  Scully,  got  hold  iv  a  copy  iv  th'  threaty 
with  Sweden  with  th'  sad  result  that  he  give 
th'  subjick  iv  th'  Mickydoo  th'  wrong  threaty 
rights.  He  hit  him  over  th'  head  with  a 
bung  starter.  There  is  some  relief  in  th' 
situation  to-night  based  on  th'  repoort  that 
th'  Prisidint  has  sint  an  apology  an'  has 
ordhered  out  th'  army  to  subjoo  Scully. 


THE  JAPANESE  SCARE         197 

'"The  Impror  held  a  meetin'  iv  th'  Elder 
Statesmen  to-night  to  discuss  sindin'  a  fleet 
to  San  Francisco  to  punish  th'  neglect  iv 
threaty  rights  iv  th'  Jap'nese  be  a  sthreet 
car  conductor  who  wudden't  let  a  subjick  iv 
th'  Mickydoo  ride  on  th'  Thirty-first  Sthreet 
line  with  an  Ogden  Avnoo  thransfer  dated 
August  eighteen  hundherd  an'  siventy-two.' 
'Th'  Prisidint  has  ordhered  th'  arrest  an' 
imprisonmint  iv  a  dentist  in  Albany  who 
hurt  a  Jap'nese  whose  tooth  he  was  fillin'. 
He  has  raquisted  th'  Mickydoo  to  give  us 
another  chance  befure  layin'  waste  our 
land.'  'Followin'  th'  advice  iv  th'  Jap'nese 
ambassadure  f'r  poor  young  Japs  to  marry 
rich  American  girls,  a  Jap'nese  combyna- 
tion  theelogical  student  an'  cook  applied 
f'r  th'  hand  iv  th'  daughter  iv  th'  boordin'- 
house  keeper  where  he  was  employed.  He 
was  able  to  limp  to  th'  Jap'nese  Consul's 
house,  where  he  made  a  complaint  to  th' 
Impror,  who  was  an  old  frind  iv  his  father. 
Th'  Prisidint  has  ordhered  th'  lady  to  marry 
th'  Chink.'    'Th'  Hoop-la  Theatre  was  closed 


198  MR.  DOOLEY 

last  night  on  complaint  iv  th'  Jap'nese  am- 
bassadure  that  th'  Fluff  Opry  Comp'ny 
was  givin'  a  riprisintation  iv  Jap'nese  char- 
ackter  in  pink  robes  instead  iv  th'  seemly 
black  derby  hats,  a  size  too  large,  Prince 
Albert  coats,  pear-colored  pants,  button 
shoes,  sthring  neckties,  an'  spectacles  which 
is  th'  well-known  unyform  iv  th'  gloryous 
race.  As  token  iv  their  grief  th'  Cab'net 
waited  on  th'  Jap'nese  embassy  at  dinner 
to-night  an'  Admiral  Bob  Evans  has  been 
ordhered  to  sink  th'  battle  ship  Louisyanny 
an'  carry  Gin'ral  Kroky's  hat  box  to  th' 
deepo.' 

"An'  so  it  goes.  I'm  in  a  state  iv  alarum 
all  th'  time.  In  th'  good  old  days  we  wud- 
den't  have  thought  life  was  worth  livin'  if 
we  cudden't  insult  a  foreigner.  That's  what 
they  were  f'r.  Whin  I  was  sthrong,  befure 
old  age  deprived  me  iv  most  iv  me  pathritism 
an'  other  infantile  disordhers,  I  niver  saw 
a  Swede,  a  Hun,  an  Eyetalian,  a  Boohl- 
garyan,  a  German,  a  Fr-rinchman,  that  I 
didn't  give  him  th'  shouldher.     If  'twas  an 


THE  JAPANESE  SCARE         199 

Englishman  I  give  him  th'  foot  too.  Threaty 
rights,  says  ye?  We  give  him  th'  same 
threaty  rights  he'd  give  us,  a  dhrink  an'  a 
whack  on  th'  head.  It  seemed  proper  to 
us.  If  'twas  right  to  belong  to  wan  naytion- 
ality,  'twas  wrong  to  belong  to  another.  If 
'twas  a  man's  proud  boast  to  be  an  Ameri- 
can, it  was  a  disgrace  to  be  a  German  an'  a 
joke  to  be  a  Fr-rinchman. 

"An'  that  goes  now.  Ye  can  bump  anny 
foreigner  ye  meet  but  a  Jap.  Don't  touch 
him.  He's  a  live  wire.  Don't  think  ye  can 
pull  his  impeeryal  hat  down  on  his  bold  up- 
curved  nose.  Th'  first  thing  ye  know  ye'll 
be  what  Hogan  calls  Casey's  Bellows,  an' 
manny  a  peaceful  village  in  Indyanny'll 
be  desthroyed  f'r  ye'er  folly.  Why,  be 
Hivens,  it  won't  be  long  till  we'll  have  to 
be  threatin'  th'  Chinese  dacint.  Think  iv 
that  will  ye.  I  r-read  in  th'  pa-aper  th' 
other  day  that  th'  Chinese  ar-rmy  had  been 
reorganized  an'  rearmed.  Hincefoorth,  in- 
stead iv  th'  old  fashioned  petticoats  they 
will  wear  th'  more  war-like  short  skirt.    Th' 


200  MR.  DOOLEY 

palm  leafs  have  been  cast  aside  f'r  modhren 
quick-firin'  fans,  an'  a  complete  new  assort- 
ment iv  gongs,  bows  an'  arrows,  stink-pots, 
an'  charms  against  th'  evil  eye  has  been 
ordhered  fr'm  a  well-known  German  firm. 
Be  careful  th'  next  time  ye  think  iv  kickin' 
an  empty  ash-barl  down  ye'er  frind  Lip 
Hung's  laundhry. 

"It's  hard  f'r  me  to  think  iv  th'  Japs  this 
way.  But  'tis  th'  part  iv  prudence.  A  few 
years  ago  I  didn't  think  anny  more  about  a 
Jap  thin  abont  anny  other  man  that'd  been 
kept  in  th'  oven  too  long.  They  were  all 
alike  to  me.  But  to-day,  whiniver  I  see  wan 
I  turn  pale  an'  take  off  me  hat  an'  make  a 
low  bow.  A  few  years  ago  an'  I'd  bet  I  was 
good  f'r  a  dozen  iv  thim.  But  I  didn't  know 
how  tur-rible  a  people  they  are.  Their 
ships  are  th'  best  in  th'  wurruld.  We  think 
we've  got  good  ships.  Th'  Lord  knows  I'm 
told  they  cost  us  enough,  though  I  don't 
remimber  iver  payin'  a  cent  f'r  wan.  But 
a  Jap'nese  rowboat  cud  knock  to  pieces  th' 
whole  Atlantic  squadron.    It  cud  so.    They're 


THE  JAPANESE  SCARE         201 

marvellous  sailors.  They  use  guns  that 
shoot  around  th'  corner.  They  fire  these 
here  injines  iv  desthruction  with  a  mys- 
teeryous  powdher  made  iv  a  substance  on'y 
known  to  thim.  It  is  called  saltpether. 
These  guns  hurl  projyctiles  weighin'  eighty 
tons  two  thousand  miles.  On  land  they 
ar-re  even  more  tur-rible.  A  Jap'nese  sojer 
can  march  three  hundhred  miles  a  day  an' 
subsist  on  a  small  piece  iv  chewin'  gum. 
Their  ar-rmy  have  arrived  at  such  a  perfec- 
tion at  th'  diffycult  manoover  known  as  th' 
goose  step  that  they  have  made  this  awful 
insthrument  iv  carnage  th'  terror  iv  th' 
armies  iv  Europe.  As  cav'lrymen  they  ar-re 
unexcelled.  There  is  on'y  wan  horse  in 
Japan,  but  ivry  Japanese  sojer  has  larned 
to  ride  him.  To  see  wan  iv  their  magnificent 
cav'lry  rijments  goin'  into  action  mounted 
on  Joko  is  a  sight  long  to  be  raymimbered. 
Above  all,  th'  Jap'nese  is  most  to  be  feared 
because  iv  his  love  iv  home  an'  his  almost 
akel  love  iv  death.  He  is  so  happy  in  Japan 
that  we  wud  rather  die  somewhere's  else. 


202  MR.  DOOLEY 

Most  sojers  don't  like  to  be  kilt.  A  Jap'nese 
sojer  prefers  it.  It  was  hard  to  convince  th' 
nation  that  they  hadn't  lost  th'  war  with 
Rooshya  because  not  so  many  Rooshyans 
had  been  kilt  as  Japs.  Faith  we  ought  to  be 
scared  iv  thim.  I  niver  see  wan  without 
wondhrin'  whether  me  cellar  is  bomb-proof. 
"An'  I  sigh  f'r  th'  good  old  days  befure 
we  become  what  Hogan  calls  a  wurruld 
power.  In  thim  days  our  fav'rite  spoort 
was  playin'  solytare,  winnin'  money  fr'm 
each  other,  an'  no  wan  th'  worse  off.  Ivry- 
body  was  invious  iv  us.  We  didn't  care  f'r 
th'  big  game  goin'  on  in  th'  corner.  Whin  it 
broke  up  in  a  row  we  said:  'Gintlemen, 
gintlemen!'  an'  maybe  wint  over  an'  grabbed 
somebody's  stake.  But  we  cudden't  stand 
it  anny  longer.  We  had  to  give  up  our  sim- 
ple little  game  iv  patience  an'  cut  into  th' 
other  deal.  An'  now,  be  Hivens,  we  have  no 
peace  iv  mind.  Wan  hand  we  have  wan 
partner;  another  hand  he's  again  us.  This 
minyit  th'  Jap  an'  me  ar-re  playin'  together 
an'  I'm  tellin'  him  what  a  fine  lead  that  was; 


THE  JAPANESE  SCARE         203 

th'  next  an'  he's  again  me  an'  askin'  me  kind- 
ly not  to  look  at  his  hand.  There  ar-re  no 
frinds  at  cards  or  wurruld  pollyticks.  Th' 
deal  changes  an'  what  started  as  a  frindly 
game  iv  rob  ye'er  neighbor  winds  up  with 
an  old  ally  catchin'  me  pullin'  an  ace  out 
iv  me  boot  an'  denouncin'  me." 

"Sure  thim  little  fellows  wud  niver  tackle 
us,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy.  "Th'  likes  iv 
thim!" 

"Well,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "  'tis  because 
they  ar-re  little  ye've  got  to  be  polite  to 
thim.  A  big  man  knows  he  don't  have  to 
fight,  but  whin  a  man  is  little  an'  knows  he's 
little  an'  is  thinkin'  all  th'  time  he's  little 
an'  feels  that  ivrybody  else  is  thinkin'  he's 
little,  look  out  f'r  him." 


THE   HAGUE    CONFERENCE 

"  I  see,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy,  "  we're  go-in' 
to  sind  th'  navy  to  th'  Passyfic." 

"I  can't  tell,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "  whether 
th'  navy  is  goin'  to  spend  th'  rest  iv  its 
days  protectin'  our  possessions  in  th'  Oryent 
or  whether  it  is  to  remain  in  th'  neighbor- 
hood iv  Barnstable  makin'  th'  glaziers  iv 
New  England  rich  beyond  th'  dhreams  iv 
New  England  avarice,  which  ar-re  hopeful 
dhreams.  Th'  cabinet  is  divided,  th'  Sicrety 
iv  th'  Navy  is  divided,  th'  Prisidint  is  di- 
vided an'  th'  press  is  divided.  Wan  great 
iditor,  fr'm  his  post  iv  danger  in  Paris, 
has  ordhered  th'  navy  to  report  at  San  Fran- 
cisco at  four  eight  next  Thursday.  Another 
great  iditor  livin'  in  Germany  has  warned 
it  that  it  will  do  so  at  its  peril.  Nawthin' 
is  so  fine  as  to  see  a  great  modhern  jour- 
nalist   unbend    fr'm    his    mighty    task    iv 

204 


THE  HAGUE  CONFERENCE     205 

selectin'  fr'm  a  bunch  iv  phottygrafts  th7 
prettiest  cook  iv  Flatbush  or  engineering 
with  his  great  furrowed  brain  th'  Topsy 
Fizzle  compytition  to  trifle  with  some  light 
warm- weather  subjict  like  internaytional  law 
or  war.  But  men  such  as  these  can  do  anny- 
thing. 

"But,  annyhow,  what  difference  does  it 
make  whether  th'  navy  goes  to  th'  Passyfic 
or  not?  If  it  goes  at  all,  it  won't  be  to  make 
war.  They've  dumped  all  th'  fourteen  inch 
shells  into  th'  sea.  Th'  ammunition  hoists 
ar-re  filled  with  American  beauty  roses  an' 
orchids.  Th'  guns  are  loaded  with  confetty. 
Th'  officers  dhrink  nawthin'  sthronger  thin 
vanilla  an'  sthrawberry  mixed.  Whin  th' 
tars  go  ashore  they  hurry  at  wanst  to  th' 
home  iv  th'  Christyan  Indeavor  Society  or 
throng  th'  free  libries  readin'  relligous  pothry. 
Me  frind  Bob  Evans  is  goin'  to  conthribute  a 
series  iv  articles  to  th'  Ladies'  Home  Journal 
on  croshaying.  F'r  th'  Hague  Peace  Con- 
ference has  abolished  war,  Hinnissy.  Ye've 
seen  th'  last  war  ye'll  iver  see,  me  boy. 


206  MR.  DOOLEY 

"Th'    Hague    conference,    Hinnissy,    was 
got  up  be  th'  Czar  iv  Rooshya  just  befure  he 
moved  his  army  agin  th'  Japs.      It  was   a 
quiet  day  at  Saint  Pethersburg.    Th'  Prime 
Minister  had  just  been  blown  up  with  dinny- 
mite,  th'  Czar's  uncle  had  been  shot,   an' 
wan  iv  his  cousins  was  expirin'  fr'm  a  dose 
iv  proosic  acid.     All  was  comparitive  peace. 
In    th'    warrum    summer's    afthernoon    th' 
Czar  felt  almost  dhrousy  as  he  set  in  his  rile 
palace  an'  listened  to  th'  low,  monotonous 
drone  iv  bombs  bein'  hurled  at  th'  Probo- 
jensky  guards,  an'  picked  th'  broken  glass 
out  iv  th'  dhrink  that'd  just  been  brought  to 
him  be  an  aged  servitor  who  was  prisidint  iv 
th'  Saint  Pethersburg  lodge  iv  Pathriotic  As- 
sassins.   Th'  monarch's  mind  turned  to  th' 
subjick  iv  war  an'  he  says  to  himsilf :      '  What 
a  dhreadful  thing  it  is  that  such  a  beautiful 
wurruld  shud  be  marred  be  thousands  iv 
innocint  men  bein'  sint  out  to  shoot  each 
other  f'r  no  cause  whin  they  might  betther 
stay  at  home  an'  wurruk  f'r  their  rile  mas- 
thers/  he  says.     'I  will  disguise  mesilf  as  a 


THE  HAGUE  CONFERENCE      207 

moojik  an'  go  over  to  th'  tillygraft  office  an' 
summon  a  meetin'  iv  th'  Powers,'  he  says. 

"That's  how  it  come  about.  All  th' 
powers  sint  dillygates  an'  a  g-reat  manny 
iv  th'  weaknesses  did  so  too.  They  met 
in  Holland  an'  they  have  been  devotin'  all 
their  time  since  to  makin'  war  impossible  in 
th'  future.  Th'  meetin'  was  opened  with 
an  acrimonyous  debate  over  a  resolution 
offered  be  a  dillygate  fr'm  Paryguay  callin' 
f'r  immeejit  disarmamint,  which  is  th'  same, 
Hinnissy,  as  notifyin'  th'  Powers  to  turn  in 
their  guns  to  th'  man  at  th'  dure.  This 
was  carrid  be  a  very  heavy  majority. 
Among  those  that  voted  in  favor  iv  it  were: 
Paryguay,  Uryguay,  Switzerland,  Chiny, 
Bilgium,  an'  San  Marino.  Opposed  were 
England,  France,  Rooshya,  Germany,  Italy, 
Austhree,  Japan,  an'  the  United  States. 

"This  was  regarded  be  all  present  as  a 
happy  auggry.  Th'  convintion  thin  dis- 
cussed a  risolution  offered  be  th'  Turkish 
dillygate  abolishin'  war  altogether.  This 
also    was    carried,    on'y    England,    France, 


208  MR.  DOOLEY 

Rooshya,  Germany,  Italy,  Austhree,  Japan, 
an'  th'  United  States  votin'  no. 

"This  made  th'  way  clear  f'r  th'  discus- 
sion iv  th'  larger  question  iv  how  future 
wars  shud  be  conducted  in  th'  best  inthrests 
iv  peace.  Th'  conference  considhered  th' 
possibility  iv  abolishin'  th'  mushroom  bullet 
which,  entherin'  th'  inteeryor  iv  th'  inimy 
not  much  larger  thin  a  marble,  soon  opens 
its  dainty  petals  an'  goes  whirlin'  through 
th'  allyminthry  canal  like  a  pin- wheel.  Th' 
Chinese  dillygate  said  that  he  regarded  this 
here  insthrumint  iv  peace  as  highly  painful. 
He  had  an  aunt  in  Pekin,  an  estimable  lady, 
unmarried,  two  hundhred  an'  fifty  years  iv 
age,  who  received  wan  without  warnin' 
durin'  th'  gallant  riscue  iv  Pekin  fr'm  th' 
foreign  legations  a  few  years  ago.  He  cud 
speak  with  feelin'  on  th'  subjick  as  th' 
Chinese  army  did  not  use  these  pro-jictyles 
but  were  armed  with  bean-shooters. 

;'Th'  English  dillygate  opposed  th'  resolu- 
tion. 'It  is/  says  he,  'quite  thrue  that  these 
here  pellets  are  in  many  cases  harmful  to 


THE  HAGUE  CONFERENCE     209 

th'  digestion,  but  I  think  it  wud  be  goin'  too 
far  to  suggest  that  they  be  abolished  ontil 
their  mannyfacther  is  betther  undherstud  be 
th'  subjick  races/  he  says.     'I  suppose  wan 
iv  these  bullets  might  throw  a  white  man 
off  his  feed,  but  we  have  abundant  proof  that 
whin  injicted  into  a  black  man  they  gr-reatly 
improve  his  moral  tone.    An'  afther  all,  th' 
improvemint  iv  th'  moral  tone  is,  gintlemen, 
a  far  graver  matther  thin  anny  mere  physical 
question.    We   know    fr'm   expeeryence   in 
South  Africa  that  th'  charmin'  bullet  now 
undher  discussion  did  much  to  change  con- 
ditions in  that  enlightened  an'   juicy  part 
iv  his  Majesty's  domains.    Th'  darky  that 
happened  to  stop  wan  was  all  th'  betther 
f'r  it.     He  retired  fr'm  labor  an'  give  up  his 
squalid  an'  bigamious  life,'  he  says.     'I  am 
in  favor,  howiver,  iv  restrictin'  their  use  to 
encounters  with  races  that  we  properly  con- 
sidher  infeeryor,'  he  says.    Th'  dillygate  fr'm 
Sinagambya  rose  to  a  question  iv  privilege. 
'State  ye'er  question  iv  privilege,'  says  th' 
chairman.     'I  wud    like  to  have  th'   win- 


210  MR.  DOOLEY 

dows  open/  says  th'  dillygate  fr'm  Sinagam- 
bya.     'I  feel  faint/  he  says. 

"Th'  Hon'rable  Joe  Choate,  dillygate  fr'm 
th'  United  States,  moved  that  in  future  wars 
enlisted  men  shud  not  wear  ear-rings.  Car- 
ried, on'y  Italy  votin'  no. 

"Th'  conference  thin  discussed  bio  win'  up 
th'  inimy  with  dinnymite,  poisinin'  him, 
shootin'  th'  wounded,  settin'  fire  to  infants, 
bilin'  prisoners-iv-war  in  hot  lard,  an'  rob- 
bin'  graves.  Some  excitemint  was  created 
durin'  th'  talk  be  th'  dillygate  fr'm  th'  canny- 
bal  islands  who  proposed  that  prisoners-iv- 
war  be  eaten.  Th'  German  dillygate  thought 
that  this  was  carryin'  a  specyal  gift  iv  wan 
power  too  far.  It  wud  give  th'  cannybal 
islands  a  distinct  advantage  in  case  iv  war, 
as  Europeen  sojers  were  accustomed  to 
horses.  Th'  English  dillygate  said  that 
while  much  cud  be  said  against  a  practice 
which  personally  seemed  to  him  rather  un- 
sportsmanlike, still  he  felt  he  must  reserve 
th'  right  iv  anny  cannybal  allies  iv  Brit- 
tanya  to  go  as  far  as  they  liked. 


THE  HAGUE  CONFERENCE     211 

"Th'  Hon'rable  Joe  Choate  moved  that  in 
future  wars  no  military  band  shud  be  con- 
sidered complete  without  a  base-dhrum. 
Carrid. 

"Th'  entire  South  American  dillygation 
said  that  no  nation  ought  to  go  to  war  be- 
cause another  nation  wanted  to  put  a  bill 
on  th'  slate.  Th'  English  dillygate  was  much 
incensed.  '  Why,  gintlemen',  says  he,  'if  ye 
deprived  us  iv  th'  right  to  collect  debts  be 
killin'  th'  debtor  ye  wud  take  away  fr'm 
war  its  entire  moral  purpose.  I  must  ask 
ye  again  to  cease  thinkin'  on  this  subjick  in 
a  gross  mateeryal  way  an'  considher  th' 
moral  side  alone,'  he  says.  Th'  conference 
was  much  moved  be  this  pathetic  speech,  th' 
dillygate  fr'm  France  wept  softly  into  his 
hankerchef,  an'  th'  dillygate  fr'm  Ger- 
many wint  over  an'  forcibly  took  an  open- 
face  goold  watch  fr'm  th'  dillygate  fr'm 
Vinzwala. 

"Th'  Hon'rable  Joe  Choate  moved  that  in 
all  future  wars  horses  shud  be  fed  with  hay 
wheriver  possible.     Carrid. 


212  MR.  DOOLEY 

"A  long  informal  talk  on  th'  reinthroduc- 
tion  iv  scalpin'  followed.  At  last  th'  dilly- 
gate  fr'm  Chiny  arose  an'  says  he:  'I'd  like 
to  know  what  war  is.  What  is  war  anny- 
how?'  'Th'  Lord  knows,  we  don't,'  says  th' 
chairman.  'We're  all  profissors  iv  colledges 
or  lawyers  whin  we're  home,'  he  says.  'Is 
it  war  to  shoot  my  aunt?'  says  th'  dillygate 
fr'm  Chiny.  Cries  iv  'No,  no.'  'Is  it  war 
to  hook  me  father's  best  hat  that  he  left 
behind  whin  he  bashfully  hurrid  away  to 
escape  th'  attintions  iv  Europeen  sojery?' 
he  says.  'Is  robbery  war?'  says  he.  'Rob- 
bery is  a  nicissry  part  iv  war,'  says  th' 
English  dillygate.  'F'r  th'  purpose  iv  en- 
foorcin'  a  moral  example,'  he  says. 

'Well,'  says  old  Wow  Chow,  'I'd  like  to 
be  able  to  go  back  home  an'  tell  thim  what 
war  really  is.  A  few  years  back  ye  sint  a 
lot  iv  young  men  over  to  our  part  iv  th' 
wurruld  an'  without  sayin'  with  ye'er  leave 
or  by  ye'er  leave  they  shot  us  an'  they 
hung  us  up  be  our  psyche  knots  an'  they 
burned    down    our    little    bamboo    houses. 


THE  HAGUE  CONFERENCE     213 

Thin  they  wint  up  to  Pekin,  set  fire  to 
th'  town,  an'  stole  ivry  thing  in  sight.  I 
just  got  out  iv  th'  back  dure  in  time  to 
escape  a  jab  in  th'  spine  fr'm  a  German 
that  I  niver  see  befure.  If  it  hadn't  been 
that  whin  I  was  a  boy  I  won  th'  hundred 
yards  at  th'  University  iv  Slambang  in  two 
hours  an'  forty  minyits,  an'  if  it  hadn't 
happened  that  I  was  lightly  dhressed  in  a 
summer  overskirt  an'  a  thin  blouse,  an' 
if  th'  German  hadn't  stopped  to  steal  me 
garters,  I  wudden't  be  here  at  this  moment,' 
says  he.  'Was  that  war  or  wasn't  it?'  he 
says.  'It  was  an  expedition/  says  th'  dilly- 
gate  fr'm  England,  Ho  serve  th'  high  moral 
jooties  iv  Christyan  civvylization.'  'Thin,' 
says  th'  dillygate  fr'm  Chiny,  puttin'  on  his 
hat,  'I'm  f'r  war,'  he  says.  'It  ain't  so  rough/ 
he  says.    An'  he  wint  home." 


TURKISH   POLITICS 

"Well,  sir,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "onaisy 
lies  th'  crown  on  anny  king's  head  these 
days.  Th'  time  was  whin  it  was  me  am- 
bition or  wan  iv  thim  to  be  a  king.  Arly  in 
life  I'd  committed  the  youthful  folly  iv 
bein'  born  outside  iv  th'  counthry  an'  so  I 
cuddent  be  Prisidint.  But  it  don't  make 
anny  diff'rence  what  counthry  a  king  comes 
from  so  long  as  he  don't  come  fr'm  th' 
counthry  where  he's  king.  '  No  natives  need 
apply,'  is  th'  motto.  If  a  counthry  is  so  bad 
off  that  it  has  to  have  a  king,  they  sind  a 
comity  down  to  Ellis  Island  an'  pick  out 
a  good  healthy  Scandinavyan,  make  him 
throw  away  his  wooden  shoes  an'  leather 
cap,  an'  proclaim  him  king,  Definder  iv  th' 
Faith.  Kings  are  th'  on'y  assisted  immy- 
grants  that  are  let  in.   Th'  King  iv  England 

214 


TURKISH  POLITICS  215 

is  a  German,  th'  King  iv  Italy  is  a  Sardine,  th' 
King  iv  Sweden  is  a  Fr-rinchman,  an'  all  th' 
other  kings  an'  queens  are  Danes  excipt  th' 
King  iv  Denmark,  an'  th'  Lord  knows  what 
he  is. 

"So  ye  see,  Hinnissy,  there's  nawthin' 
in  th'  Constitution  to  prevint  me  fr'm  bein' 
a  king,  an  I  looked  forward  to  th'  time  whin 
I'd  turn  th'  Illinye  Cinthral  deepo  into  a  rile 
palace  an'  rule  me  subjicks,  ye'ersilf  among 
thim,  with  a  high  hand.  I'd  be  a  just  but 
marciful  monarch.  No  wan  that  come  to 
th'  palace  wud  go  away  empty  handed.  I'd 
always  lave  thim  a  little  something.  Divvle 
a  bit  iv  a  cabinet  I'd  have,  but  I'd  surround 
mesilf  with  th'  best  thrained  flattherers  that 
cud  be  hired  f'r  love  or  money,  an'  no  wan 
wud  tell  me  th'  truth,  an'  I'd  live  an'  die 
happy.  I'd  show  these  modhern  kings  how 
a  king  ought  to  behave.  Ye  wudden't 
see  Martin  I,  iv  beloved  mim'ry,  runnin' 
around  like  a  hired  entertainer,  wan  day 
doin'  th  wurruk  iv  a  talkative  bricklayer  at 
th'  layin'  iv  a  cornerstone,  another  day  pre- 


216  MR.  DOOLEY 

sidin'  over  a  bankit  iv  th'  Amalgamated 
Society  iv  Mannyfacthrers  iv  Hooks-an'-Eyes 
or  racin'  horses  with  Boots  Durnell  an' 
Charlie  Ox  or  waitin'  out  in  th'  rain  f'r  a 
balloon  to  come  down  that's  stuck  on  a 
church  steeple  forty  miles  away.  No,  sir, 
I'd  niver  appear  in  public  but  wanst  a  year, 
an'  thin  I'd  blindfold  me  lile  subjicks  so  that 
they'd  stay  lile.  An'  I'd  niver  open  me 
mouth  excipt  to  command  music  an'  dhrink. 
But  th'  low  taste  iv  kings  has  rooned  th' 
business  as  a  pursoot  f'r  gintlemen,  an'  to- 
day I'd  think  twict  befure  takin'  th'  job. 
Tis  as  preecaryous  as  a  steeple  jack's,  an' 
no  more  permanent  thin  a  Rosenfelt  holdover 
undher  Taft.  If  a  king  goes  out  an'  looks 
haughty  some  wan  iv  his  subjicks  fires  a  gas 
pipe  bomb  at  him,  an'  if  he  thries  to  be  janial 
he's  li'ble  to  be  slapped  on  th'  back  in  th' 
paddock  an'  called  'Joe.' 

"Look  at  me  frind,  Abdul  Hamid.  Whin 
I  dhreamed  iv  bein'  king,  sometimes  I  let 
me  mind  run  on  till  I  had  mesilf  promoted 
to  be  Sultan  iv  Turkey.    There,   me  boy, 


TURKISH  POLITICS  217 

was  a  job  that  always  plazed  me.  It  was 
well  paid,  it  looked  to  be  permanent,  and  I 
thought  it  about  th'  best  situation  in  th' 
wurruld.  Th'  Sultan  was  a  kind  iv  a  com- 
bination iv  pope  an'  king.  If  he  didn't  like 
ye,  he  first  excommunicated  ye  an'  thin  he 
sthrangled  ye.  There,  thinks  I  to  mesilf, 
there  he  sets,  th'  happy  old  ruffyan,  on  a  silk 
embroidered  lounge,  in  his  hand-wurruked 
slippers,  with  his  legs  curled  up  undher  him, 
a  turban  on  his  head,  a  crooked  soord  in  his 
lap,  a  pitcher  iv  sherbet  (which  is  th'  dhrink 
in  thim  parts)  at  his  elbow,  a  pipestem  like 
a  hose  in  his  hand,  while  nightingales  whistle 
in  th'  cypress  threes  in  th'  garden  an'  beau- 
tiful Circassyan  ladies  dance  in  front  iv  him 
far  fr'm  his  madding  throng  iv  wives,  as  th' 
pote  says. 

"Whin  th'  sicrety  iv  th'  threasury  wants 
to  repoort  to  him,  he  starts  fr'm  his  office  on 
his  stomach  an'  wriggles  into  th'  august 
prisince.  'What  is  it  ye  want,  oh  head  iv 
lignum  vity?'  says  th'  Sultan.  'Bark  Pi- 
th' ladies,'  says  he  with  a  chuckle.     'Oh, 


218  MR.  DOOLEY 

descindant  iv  th'  prophet,  whose  name  be 
blest!  Oh,  sun  an'  moon  an'  stars,  whose 
frown  is  death  an'  whose  smile  is  heaven  to 
th'  faithful — '  'Don't  be  so  familyar  with 
me  first  name,'  says  th'  Sultan,  'but  go  on 
with  ye'er  contimptible  supplication,'  says 
he.  'Ye'er  slave/  says  th'  sicrety  iv  th' 
threasury  fr'm  th'  flure,  'is  desthroyed  with 
grief  to  tell  ye  that  afther  standin'  th'  in- 
tire  empire  on  its  head  he's  been  onable  to 
shake  out  more  thin  two  millyon  piasthres 
f'r  this  week's  expinses  iv  ye'er  awfulness,' 
says  he.  'What!'  says  th'  sultan,  'two 
millyon  piasthres — har'ly  enough  to  buy 
bur-rd  seed  f'r  me  bulbuls,'  says  he.  'How 
dare  ye  come  into  me  august  prisince  with 
such  an  insult.  Lave  it  on  th'  flure  f'r  th' 
boy  that  sweeps  up,  oh,  son  iv  a  tailor,'  he 
says,  an'  he  gives  a  nod  an'  fr'm  behind  a 
curtain  comes  Jawn  Johnson  with  little  on 
him,  an'  th'  next  thing  ye  hear  iv  th'  faithless 
minister  is  a  squeak  an'  a  splash.  He  rules 
be  love  alone,  thinks  I,  an'  feelin'  that  life 
without  love  is  useless,  annybody  that  don't 


TURKISH  POLITICS  219 

love  him  can  go  an'  get  measured  fr  a  name 
plate  an'  be  sure  he'll  need  it  befure  th'  price 
is  lower.  His  people  worship  him  an'  why 
shudden't  they.  He  allows  thim  to  keep 
all  th'  dogs  they  want,  he  proticts  thim  fr'm 
dissolute  habits  be  takin'  their  loose  money 
fr'm  thim,  an'  ivry  year  he  gives  thim  an 
Armeenyan  massacree  which  is  a  great  help 
to  th'  cigareet  business  in  this  counthry. 

"Happy  Abdul,  thinks  I.  If  I  cud  be  a 
haythen  an'  was  a  marryin'  man,  'tis  ye'er 
soft  spot  I'd  like  to  land  in  fr  me  declinin' 
days.  So  whin  I  r-read  in  th'  pa-apers  that 
there  was  a  rivolution  startin'  to  fire  Abdul 
Hamid,  I  savs  to  mesilf:  'A  fine  chance 
ye've  got,  me  lads.  That  old  boy  will  be 
holdin'  down  his  job  whin  there's  a  resigna- 
tion fr'm  th'  supreeme  coort  bench  at  Wash- 
'nton,'  says  I.  'Th'  first  thing  ye  young 
Turks  know  ye'll  be  gettin'  a  prisent  fr'm 
ye'er  sov'reign  iv  a  necktie,'  says  I,  'an'  it 
won't  fit  ye/  says  I. 

"Well,  sir,  I  was  wrong.  I  knew  I  was 
wrong  th'  minyit  I  see  a  pitcher  iv  Abdul 


220  MR.  DOOLEY 

Hamid  in  th'  pa-aper — a  snap-shot,  mind  ye! 
Think  of  that,  will  ye?  D'ye  suppose  a 
sultan  or  a  king  that  knew  his  thrade  wud 
iver  let  anny  wan  take  a  snap-shot  iv  him? 
Did  ye  iver  hear  iv  Alexander  th'  Gr-reat 
or  Napoleon  Bonyparte  havin'  a  snap-shot 
took  iv  him?  No,  sir.  Whin  they  wanted 
to  satisfy  th'  vulgar  curiosity  iv  th'  popylace 
to  know  what  their  lord  looked  like,  they 
chained  an  artist  to  a  wall  in  th'  cellar  of  th' 
palace  an',  says  they:  'Now  set  down  an' 
paint  a  pitcher  iv  me  that  will  get  ye  out  iv 
here,'  says  they.  Nobody  in  thim  days  knew 
that  th'  king  had  a  mole  on  his  nose  an'  that 
wan  iv  his  eyes  was  made  iv  glass,  excipt  th' 
people  that  had  jobs  to  lose. 

"Up  to  th'  time  Abdul  Hamid  wint  thra- 
pezin'  around  Constantinople  in  a  hack  an' 
havin'  his  pitcher  took  be  amachoor  photty- 
grafters  his  job  was  secure.  Up  to  that  time 
whin  wan  Turk  talked  to  another  about  him 
they  talked  in  whispers.  'What  d'ye  sup- 
pose he's  like,  Osman?'  says  wan.  'Oh 
me,  oh  my,'  says  th'  other,   'but  he's  th' 


TURKISH  POLITICS  221 

tur-rble  wan.  They  says  his  voice  is  like 
thunder,  an'  lightnin'  shoots  fr'm  his  eyes 
that  wnd  shrivel  th'  likes  iv  ye  an'  me  to 
a  cinder.'  But  whin  Abdul,  be  damid,  as 
th'  potes  call  him,  made  th'  mistake  iv 
pokin'  his  head  out  iv  th'  palace  'twas 
diff'rent.  '  Well,  who  d'ye  think  I  see  to-day 
but  th'  Sultan.  I  tell  ye  I  did.  What  is  he 
like?  He  ain't  much  to  look  at— a  skinny 
little  man,  Osman,  that  ye  cud  sthrangle  be- 
tween ye'er  thumb  an'  forefinger.  He  had  a 
bad  cold  an'  was  sneezin'.  He  wore  a  hand- 
me-down  coat.  He  has  a  wen  on  th'  back 
iv  his  neck  an'  he's  crosseyed.  Here's  a 
pitcher  iv  him.'  '  What,  that  little  runt?  Ye 
don't  mean  to  say  that's  th'  Sultan.  Why, 
he  looks  like  th'  fellow  that  stops  me  ivry 
day  on  th'  corner  an'  asks  me  have  I  anny 
old  clothes  betther  thin  what  I  have  on. 
An'  to  think  iv  th'  likes  iv  him  rulin'  over  th' 
likes  iv  us.     Let's  throw  him  out.' 

"So  it  was  with  me  old  frind  Abdul. 
Wan  day  a  captain  an'  a  squad  iv  polis 
backed  th'  wagon  up  to  th'  dure  iv  th'  palace 


222  MR.  DOOLEY 

an'  rung  th'  bell.  'Who's  there?'  says  th' 
Sultan,  stuffin'  th'  loose  change  into  his  shoe. 
'Th'  house  is  pulled/  says  th'  captain. 
'  Ye'er  license  is  expired.  Ye'd  betther  come 
peaceful,'  he  says.  An'  they  bust  in  th'  dure 
an'  th'  Sultan  puts  a  shirt  an'  a  couple  iv 
collars  into  a  grip  an'  selicts  iliven  iv  his 
least  formid-able  wives  to  go  along  with  him 
an'  they  put  on  their  bonnets  an'  shawls  an' 
carry  out  their  bur-rd  cages  an'  their  goold 
fish  an'  their  fancy  wurruk  an'  th'  pathrol 
wagon  starts  off  an'  has  to  stop  so  that 
iliven  iv  thim  can  go  back  an'  get  something 
they  f'rgot  at  th'  last  moment  an'  th'  ex- 
commander  iv  th'  faithful  says,  'Did  ye 
iver  know  wan  iv  thim  to  be  ready,  Cap?' 
an'  th'  captain  says,  'They're  all  alike, 
Doc,'  an'  th'  dhriver  clangs  th'  bell,  an'  off 
goes  th'  mighty  potentate  to  a  two-story 
frame  house  in  Englewood.  An'  th'  sultan's 
brother  is  taken  out  iv  a  padded  cell  where 
he  had  been  kept  f'r  twinty  years  because 
he  was  crazy  to  be  sultan,  an'  is  boosted 
into  th'  throne.    An'  he  has  his  pitcher  took 


TURKISH  POLITICS  223 

an'  is  intherviewed  be  th'  reporthers  an' 
tells  thim  he  will  do  th'  best  he  can  an'  he 
hopes  th'  press  won't  be  too  hard  on  him, 
because  he  is  a  poor  loonytick  annyhow. 

"An'  there  ye  ar-re.  There  goes  me 
dhream  iv  bein'  sultan  along  with  me 
dhream  iv  bein'  a  gr-reat  gin'ral  till  th' 
Spanish  war.  If  that's  th'  kind  iv  a  job  a 
sultan  has,  I'll  lave  it  f'r  anny  wan  to  take 
that  wants  it.  Why,  be  Hivens,  whin  th' 
Young  Turks  come  to  search  th'  palace,  like 
th'  pathrites  they  ar-re,  to  find  if  he'd  left 
anny  money  behind,  divvle  th'  thrace  they 
found  iv  annything  that  I'd  thrade  f'r  me 
back  room.  I  begun  to  feel  sorry  f'r  th' 
poor  old  miscreent.  Instead  iv  lollin'  on  a 
sofy  an'  listenin'  to  th'  song  iv  th'  mockin' 
bur-rd  in  th'  pommygranite  threes  while 
ladies  fr'm  th'  chorus  iv  'Th'  Black  Crook' 
fanned  him  with  fans  iv  peacock  feathers, 
th'  mis'rable  old  haythen  was  locked  up  in  a 
garret  with  a  revolver  in  his  hand  ready  to 
shoot  anny  wan  that  come  next  or  near  him. 
He  suffered  fr'm  dyspepsia  an'  he  cuddent 


224  MR.  DOOLEY 

sleep  nights.     He  cud  ate  nawthin'  sthronger 
thin  milk  toast.     He  was  foorced  be  fashion's 
whim   to  have   five   hundhred   wives   whin 
wan  was  abundant.    Take  it  all  in  all,  he  led 
a  dog's  life,  an'  I  bet  ye  he's  happyer  now 
where  he  is,  wathrin'  th'  geeranyums,  mowin' 
th'  lawn,  an'  sneakin'   into  Constantinople 
iv  a  Saturday  night  an'  seein'  Circassyan 
girls  dancin'  f'r  th'  first  time  in  his  life.     His 
childher  are  all  grown  up  an'  safe  in  jail,  he 
has  four  hundhred  an'  eighty-nine  less  wives, 
but  iliven  are  a  good  manny  in  th'  sub- 
urbs;  he  has  put  away  a  few  piasthres  f'r  a 
rainy  day,  out-iv-dure  life  may  improve  his 
health,  an'  I  shudden't  wondher  if  ye'd  read 
some  day  in  th'  pa-aper:     'At  th'  Stambool 
county  fair  th'  first  prize  f'r  Poland  Chiny 
hens  was  won  be  A.  Hamid,  th'  pop'lar  ex- 
sultan.' 

"Ye  can't  tell  annything  about  it.  Give 
th'  poor  man  a  chance,  says  I.  There  may 
be  th'  makins  iv  a  dacint  citizen  in  him  afther 
all.  What  opporchunity  has  he  had,  tell 
me?    What  can  ye  expict  fr'm  a  man  that 


TURKISH  POLITICS  225 

niver  was  taught  annything  betther  thin 
that  he  cud  do  annything  he  wanted  to 
do  without  bein'  called  down  f'r  it?  It 
doesn't  make  anny  difference  whether  'tis  a 
polisman  or  th'  Rajah  iv  Beloochistan,  be 
gorry,  put  a  club  in  his  hand  an'  tell  him 
that  he  can  use  it  an'  he'll  begin  usin'  it 
tomorrah.  He'll  break  wan  head  tomorrah, 
two  th'  next  day,  an'  befure  he's  been  on  th' 
foorce  or  th'  throne  a  year  it'll  be  a  whack 
on  th'  chimbly  befure  he  says  'How  ar-re 
ye.'  By  an'  by  he'll  get  so  manny  people 
afraid  iv  him  that  he'll  be  in  danger  and 
that'll  make  him  afraid  iv  thim,  an'  thin 
he'll  be  more  dangerous  thin  iver,  d'ye 
mind?  Th'  on'y  man  ye  need  to  be  afraid 
iv  is  th'  man  that's  afraid  iv  ye.  An'  that's 
what  makes  a  tyrant.  He's  scared  to  death. 
If  I'd  thought  about  it  whin  I  r-read  iv 
me  frind  murdherin'  people  I'd've  known 
they'd  find  him  thremblin'  in  a  room  an' 
shootin'  at  th'  hired  girl  whin  she  come  in 
with  his  porridge.  So  I'm  glad  afther  all 
that  I  didn't  put  in  me  application.     I  want 


226  MR.  DOOLEY 

no  man  to  fear  me.     I'd  hate  to  be  more  of 
a  coward  thin  I  am." 

"What  ar-re  these  Turkish  athrocities 
I've  been  r-readin'  about?"  said  Mr.  Hen- 
nessy. 

"I  don't  know,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "I 
don't  keep  thim.    Have  a  cigar?" 


VACATIONS 

"Well,  sir,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "I  raaly 
don't  know  whether  I'm  glad  or  sorry  to  get 
back.  It  seems  a  little  sthrange  to  be  here 
again  in  the  turmoil  iv  life  in  a  large  city, 
but  thin,  again,  'tis  pleasant  to  see  th' 
familyar  faces  wanst  more.  Has  annything 
happened  since  I  wint  away  on  me  vacation? 
Did  ye  miss  me?    Am  I  much  sunburnt?" 

"What  ar-re  ye  talkin'  about?"  asked  Mr. 
Hennessy.     "I  see  ye  on'y  last  night." 

"Ye  did  not,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "Ye 
may  have  seen  me  undherstudy,  but  ye 
didn't  see  me.  Where  was  I?  It  depinds 
on  what  time  iv  night  it  was.  If  it  was  eight 
o'clock,  I  was  croosin'  in  Pierpont  Morgan's 
yacht  off  th'  coast  iv  Labrador.  We  were 
both  iv  us  settin'  up  on  th'  front  stoop  iv 
th'   boat.     I  had  just  won  thirty  millyon 

227 


228  MR.  DOOLEY 

dollars  fr'm  him  throwin'  dice,  an'  he  re- 
marked to  me  'I  bet  it's  hot  in  Chicago.' 
But  about  eight  thirty,  th'  wind,  which  had 
been  blowin'  acrost  th'  brick-yard,  changed 
into  th'  northeast  an'  I  moved  back  to 
Newpoort." 

"Ar-re  ye  crazy  fr'm  th'  heat?"  Mr. 
Hennessy  asked. 

"Divvle  th'  bit,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "but 
long  ago  I  made  up  me  mind  not  to  be  th' 
slave  iv  me  vacation.  I  don't  take  a  va- 
cation whin  a  vacation  comes  around  an' 
knocks  at  th'  dure  an'  dhrags  me  out  to  a 
summer  resort.  If  I  did  I'd  wait  a  long 
time.  I  take  it  whiniver  I  feel  like  it. 
Whiniver  I  have  a  moment  to  spare,  whin 
ye're  talkin'  or  business  is  slack  fr'm  anny 
other  reason,  I  throw  a  comb  an'  brush  into 
a  gripsack  an'  hurry  away  to  th'  mountain  or 
th'  seashore.  While  ye  think  ye're  talkin' 
to  me,  at  that  very  minyit  I  may  be  floatin' 
on  me  back  in  th'  Atlantic  ocean  or  climbin' 
a  mountain  in  Switzerland,  yodellin'  to  mesilf. 

"Most  iv  me  f rinds  take  their  vacations 


VACATIONS  229 

long  afther  they  are  overdue.  That's  be- 
cause they  don't  know  how  to  take  thim. 
They  depind  on  railroads  an'  steamers  an' 
what  th'  boss  has  to  say  about  it.  Long 
afther  th'  vacation  will  do  thim  no  good, 
about  th'  fifteenth  iv  August,  they  tear  off  for 
th'  beauties  iv  nature.  Nachrally  they  can't 
tear  off  very  far  or  they  wudden't  hear  th' 
whistle  whin  it  blew  to  call  thim  back.  F'r 
a  week  or  two  they  spind  their  avenin's 
larnin'  th'  profissyon  iv  baggageman,  atin' 
off  thrunks  be  day  an  sleepin'  on  thim  be 
night.  Evenchooly  th'  time  comes  f'r  thim 
to  lave  th'  sthrife  an'  throuble  iv  th'  city 
that  they're  used  to  f'r  th'  sthrife  an'  throu- 
ble iv  th'  counthry  that  they  don't  know 
how  to  handle.  They  catch  th'  two  two  f'r 
Mudville-be-th'-Cannery,  or  they  are  just 
about  to  catch  it  whin  they  remimber  that 
they  left  their  tickets,  money  an'  little  Abi- 
gail Ann  behind  thim,  an'  they  catch  th'  six 
forty-five  which  doesn't  stop  at  Mudville 
excipt  on  Choosdahs  an'  Fridahs  in  Lent, 
an'  thin  on'y  on  signal. 


230  MR.  DOOLEY 

"Fin'lly  they're  off.  Th'  dust  an'  worry 
iv  th'  city  with  its  sprinkled  pavements  an' 
its  glowin'  theaytres  is  left  behind.  Th'  cool 
counthry  air  blows  into  th'  car  laden  with  th' 
rich  perfume  iv  dainty  food  with  which  th' 
fireman  is  plyin'  his  ir'n  horse.  Th'  thrain 
stops  occasion'lly.  In  fact  ye  might  bet- 
ther  say  that  occasion'lly  it  don't  stop.  A 
thrain  that  is  goin'  to  anny  iv  th'  penal 
colonies  where  most  men  spind  their  vaca- 
tions will  stop  at  more  places  thin  a  boy  on 
an  errand.  Whiniver  it  sees  a  human  habita- 
tion it  will  pause  an'  exchange  a  few  wurruds 
iv  pleasant  greetin'.  It  will  stop  at  anny- 
thing.     It  wud  stop  at  nawthin'. 

"In  this  way  ye  get  a  good  idee  iv  th' 
jography  iv  ye'er  native  land.  Ye  make  a 
ten  minyit  stay  at  bustlin'  little  villages  that 
ye  didn't  know  were  on  th'  map,  an'  ain't 
on  anny  map  that  ye  buy.  Th'  on'y  place 
th'  thrain  don't  stop  is  at  Mudville-be-th'- 
Cannery.  Ye  look  into  th'  folder  an'  see 
ye'er  town  marked  'see  note  b.'  Note  b 
says:     'Thrains    two    to    sixteen    stop    at 


VACATIONS  231 

Mudville  on'y  whin  wrecked.'  'What  is  th' 
number  iv  this  here  cannon-ball  express?' 
says  ye  to  th'  conductor  man.  'Number 
twelve/  says  he.  'How  am  I  goin'  to  get 
off  there?'  says  ye.  'How  do  ye  usually 
get  off  a  movin'  thrain?'  says  he.  'For- 
ward or  backward?'  says  he.  'If  ye'll  go 
ahead  to  th'  postal  car  an'  get  into  a  mail 
bag  th'  clerk  may  hang  ye  on  th'  hook  as  we 
pass.  He's  a  good  shot.  He  made  three 
out  iv  tin  last  week/  he  says. 

"But  in  due  time  ye  reach  ye'er  destyna- 
tion  an'  onpack  ye'er  thrunks  an'  come  home 
again.  A  frind  iv  mine,  a  prom'nent  rail- 
road officyal  who  calls  th'  thrains  at  th' 
Union  deepo,  tells  me  he's  cured  his  wife  iv 
wantin'  to  go  on  a  vacation.  Whiniver  he 
sees  her  readin'  advertisements  iv  th'  summer 
resorts  he  knows  that  th'  fit  is  coming  on,  an' 
befure  she  gets  to  th'  stage  iv  buyin'  a  cure 
f'r  freckles  he  takes  her  down  to  th'  deepo 
an'  shows  her  th'  people  goin'  on  their  va- 
cations an'  comin'  back.  Thin  he  gives  her  a 
boat  ride  in  th'  park,  takes  her  to  th'  theaytre, 


232  MR.  DOOLEY 

an'  th'  next  mornin'  she  wakes  up  with  hardly 
anny  sign  iv  her  indisposition. 

"But  th'  kind  iv  vacation  I  take  does 
ye  some  good.  It  is  well  within  me  means. 
In  fact  it  sildom  costs  me  annything  but 
now  an'  thin  th'  thrade  iv  a  customer  that  I 
give  a  bottle  iv  pop  to  whin  he  ast  f'r  a  gin 
sour,  not  knowin'  that  at  th'  minyit  I  was 
whilin'  me  time  away  in  th'  Greek  islands 
or  climbin'  Mount  Vesoovyous.  I  don't 
have  to  carry  anny  baggage.  I  don't  pay 
anny  railroad  fares.  I'm  not  bothered  be 
mosquitoes  or  rain.  In  fact,  it's  on  rainy 
days  that  I  thravel  most.  I'm  away  most 
iv  th'  time.  I  suppose  me  business  suffers. 
But   what   care   I? 

"In  th'  autumn  I  am  pretty  apt  to  be 
shootin'  in  th'  Rocky  Mountains.  In  th' 
winter  I  am  li'ble  to  go  to  Florida  or  to  th' 
West  Indies  or  to  Monty  Carlo.  I'm  th'  on'y 
American  citizen  that  iver  beat  Monty  Carlo. 
I  plugged  away  at  number  siventeen  an'  it 
came  up  eighty-two  times  runnin'.  Tis  thrue 
I  squanclhered  th'  money  on  th'  fickle  Coun- 


VACATIONS  233 

tess  de  Brie,  but  aisy  came  aisy  go.  Me 
disappointment  was  soon  f  rgotten  among  th' 
gayeties  iv  Algeers.  I  often  go  up  th'  Nile 
because  it's  handy  to  th'  Ar-rchey  Road.  I 
can  get  back  befure  bedtime.  In  summer  I 
may  go  to  Newpoort,  although  it  ain't  th' 
place  it  was  whin  I  first  wint  there.  It  was 
simple  thin.  People  laughed  at  Clarence  Von 
Steenevant  because  he  wore  a  hat  encrusted 
in  dimons  instead  iv  th'  rough-an'-ready  goold 
bonnet  that  ye  grabbed  fr'm  th*  rubbish  iv 
old  pearl  necklaces  an'  marredge  certyficates 
on  th*  hall  table  whin  ye  wint  out  to  play 
tennis.  It  has  changed  since.  But  there  are 
still  a  few  riprisintatives  iv  th'  older  member- 
ships iv  th'  stock  exchange  who  cannot  lave 
th'  familyar  scenes,  an'  I  like  to  dhrop  in  on 
these  pathricyans  an'  gossip  iv  days  that 
ar-re  no  more.  Faith,  there's  hardly  a  place 
that  I  don't  spind  me  summers.  If  I  don't 
like  a  place  I  can  move.  I  sail  me  yacht 
into  sthrange  harbors.  I  take  me  private 
car  wheriver  I  want  to  go.  I  hunt  an'  I 
fish.    Last  year  I  wint  to  Canada  an'  fished 


234  MR.  DOOLEY 

fr  salmon.  I  made  a  gr-reat  catch — near 
thirty  cans.  An'  whin  I'm  tired  I  can  go  to 
bed.  An'  it  is  a  bed,  not  a  rough  sketch  iv 
a  brick-yard. 

"Well,  well,  what  places  I  have  seen.  An' 
I  always  see  thim  at  their  best.  Th'  on'y 
way  to  see  anny  place  at  its  best  is  niver  to 
go  there.  No  place  can  be  thruly  injyeable 
whin  ye  have  to  take  ye'ersilf  along  an'  pay 
rent  Fr  him  whin  ye  get  there.  An'  wan  iv 
th'  gr-reat  comforts  iv  my  kind  iv  a  vaca- 
tion is  that  I  always  knows  what's  goin' 
on  at  home.  Whin  Hogan  goes  on  his  kind 
iv  vacation  th'  newspa-aper  he  gets  was 
printed  just  afther  th'  third  inning  iv  th' 
baseball  game  th'  day  befure  yisterdah.  Th' 
result  is  that  whin  Hogan  comes  home  he 
don't  know  what's  happened.  He  doesn't 
know  who's  been  murdhered  or  whether 
Chicago  or  Pittsburg  is  at  th'  head  iv  th' 
league. 

An'  summer  is  th'  best  time  iv  th'  year 
Fr  news.  Th'  heat  an'  sthrong  dhrink 
brings  out  pleasant  peculyarities  in  people. 


VACATIONS  235 

They  do  things  that  make  readin'  matther. 
They  show  signs  iv  janus.  Ivrything  in 
th'  pa-aper  inthrests  me.  Here's  th'  inside 
news  iv  a  cillybrated  murdher  thrile  blos- 
somin'  out  in  th'  heat.  Here's  a  cillybrated 
lawyer  goin'  to  th'  cillybrated  murdherer  an' 
demandin'  an  increase  in  th'  honoraryum  iv 
his  cillybrated  collague.  Lawyers  don't  take 
money.  What  they  get  f'r  their  public 
sarvices  in  deludin'  a  jury  is  th'  same  as  an 
offerin'  in  a  church.  Ye  don't  give  it  thim 
openly.  Ye  sind  thim  a  bunch  iv  sweet  peas 
with  the  money  in  it.  This  here  larned 
counsel  got  wan  honoraryum.  But  whin 
things  begun  to  took  tough  f'r  his  protegee 
he  suggested  another  honoraryum.  Hon- 
oraryum is  fr'm  th'  Latin  wurruds  honor 
an'  aryum,  mainin'  I  need  th'  money. 

"Yes,  sir,  ye  can't  injye  a  vacation  with- 
out th'  pa-apers.  How  glad  I  am  to  know 
that  Congress  has  adjourned  afther  rejoocin' 
th'  tariff  to  a  level  where  th'  poorest  are 
within  its  reach.  An'  how  cud  I  be  happy 
away  fr'm  here  if  I  didn't  know  how  me  frind 


236  MR.  DOOLEY 

Willum  Taft  was  gettin'  on  at  goluf.  Iv 
coorse  I'm  interested  in  all  that  goes  on  at 
th'  summer  capitol.  I  am  glad  to  know  that 
Charles  played  tennis  fr'm  ten  to  iliven  an' 
aftherward  took  a  throlley  car  ride  to  Lynn, 
where  he  bought  a  pair  iv  shoes  an'  a  piece 
iv  blueberry  pie,  but  at  two  o'clock  had 
entirely  recovered.  But  th'  rale  inthrest 
is  in  th'  prisidint's  goluf.  Me  fav'rite 
journal  prints  exthries  about  it.  'Specyal 
exthry;  six  thirty.  Horrible  rumor.  Pris- 
idint  Taft  repoorted  stymied.'  He's  th' 
best  goluf  player  we've  iver  had  as  prisi- 
dint.  He  cud  give  Abra'm  Lincoln  a  shtroke 
a  stick.  He  bate  th'  champeen  iv  the' 
wurruld  last  week  be  a  scoore  iv  wan  hun- 
dhred  an'  eighty-two  to  siventy-six.  He 
did  so. 

"Here's  a  column  about  yisterdah's  game. 
'A  large  crowd  assimbled  to  see  th'  match. 
Prisidint  appeared  ca'm  an'  collected.  He 
wore  his  club  unyform,  gray  pants,  black 
leather  belt,  an'  blue  shirt.  His  opponent, 
th'   sicrety   iv   war,  was   visibly    narvous. 


VACATIONS  237 

TV  prisident  was  first  off  th'  tee  with  an  ex- 
cellent three  while  his  opponent  was  almost 
hopelessly  bunkered  in  a  camera.  But  he 
made  a  gallant  recovery  with  a  vaccuum 
cleaner  an'  was  aven  with  th'  prisidint  in 
four.  Th'  prisidint  was  slightly  to  th'  left 
in  th'  long  grass  on  his  fifth,  but,  nawthin' 
daunted,  he  took  a  hoe  an'  was  well  out  in 
siven.  Both  players  were  in  th'  first  bunk- 
er in  eight,  th'  sicrety  iv  war  havin'  flubbed 
his  sixth  an'  bein'  punished  f'r  overdarin' 
on  th'  siventh.  Th'  prisidint  was  first  out 
iv  th'  bunker  at  a  quarther  past  two,  his 
opponent  followin'  at  exactly  three  sixteen. 
Th'  prisidint  was  within  hailin'  distance  iv 
home  on  his  sixteenth  shot,  while  his  oppo- 
nent had  played  eighteen.  But  th'  pace  had 
been  too  swift  an'  it  was  merely  a  question 
iv  which  wud  be  th'  first  to  crack.  That 
misfortune  fell  to  th'  lot  iv  th'  sicrety  iv 
war.  Findin'  himsilf  in  a  bad  lie,  he  undher- 
took  to  use  a  brassy  in  a  spirit  iv  nawthin' 
venture  nawthin'  gain.  It  was  raaly  a 
brillyant  shot.    A  foot  nearer  th'  ball  an'  he 


238  MR.  DOOLEY 

might  have  accomplished  a  feat  in  golufing 
histhry.  But  th'  luck  iv  war  was  against 
him  an'  he  sthruck  himsilf  upon  th'  ankle. 
Th'  prisidint,  resolvin'  to  give  him.  no  mercy, 
took  his  dhriver  an'  made  a  sterling  carry  to 
within  thirty  yards  iv  th'  green.  There  was 
now  nawthin'  to  it.  Continuin'  to  play  with 
great  dash,  but  always  prudently,  he  had 
a  sure  putt  iv  not  more  thin  forty  feet  to 
bate  th'  records  f'r  prisidints  f'r  this  hole,  a 
record  that  was  established  be  th'  prisident 
iv  th'  Women's  Christyan  Timp'rance  Union 
in  nineteen  hundhred  an'  three.  His  oppo- 
nent cried  'I  give  it  to  ye,'  an'  th'  prisidint 
was  down  in  a  brillyant  twinty  two.  His 
opponent  was  obliged  to  contint  himsilf  with 
a  more  modest  but  still  sound  an'  meri- 
toryous  thirty-eight  (estimated). 

"An'  there  ye  ar-re.  I'm  ivry where,  but 
I  can  always  keep  in  touch  with  what's 
goin'  on." 

"What  kind  iv  a  game  is  goluf?"  asked 
Mr.  Hennessy.  "Why  do  they  call  it  rile 
an'  ancient?" 


VACATIONS  239 

"I  don't  know/'  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "onless 
it  is  because  th'  prisidint  iv  th'  United  States 
has  just  took  it  up." 


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